Something doesn't feel right....

[Junket]

Why the f uck did you spend 20,000 on an engagement ring?!

That's honestly 2/3's my income in a YEAR.

[girl68]

Why the f uck did you spend 20,000 on an engagement ring?!

To stick it up her ass!

[Junket]

To stick it up her ass!

That's worth about 20,000.

[girl68]

That's worth about 20,000.

Interesting, my guy has 16,000 to go! LOL.

[Kaius]

Hahah you guys are so rough on me! Naw it's all good. It's not so crazy if you consider that she is really in a tough situation. We are not gonna have a lavish wedding. Just a small one for friends and family. It's my ego that is to blame. Also, I truly believe that I can handle this, and my current stress is but a temporary setback. She's no gold-digger... there are plenty of dudes richer than me. She appreciates the fact that I sacrifice my own needs to provider her comfort and peace of mind. I mean, ladies, if you see your man as a life partner, and you have confidence in him, wouldn't you ask him for help if you were in a predicament? There is basically no more "you" and "me". It's all about "us". That's how we see it.

[girl68]

^ Absolutely. But when we're talking about US and "our" money. I'd be hella pissed you spent 20,000 of "our" money on a freggin' rock no matter how pretty it was.

Wait a mintue she's buying clothes with your credit card? How's that a "predicament?" Are they dress up clothes for her upcoming interviews?

[Junket]

^ Absolutely. But when we're talking about US and "our" money. I'd be hella pissed you spent 20,000 of "our" money on a freggin' rock no matter how pretty it was.

Wait a mintue she's buying clothes with your credit card? How's that a "predicament?" Are they dress up clothes for her upcoming interviews?

Pretty much what she said.

No point in proving your undying love now that she's gonna know what's in that bank account.

It may be half hers soon, so I'm sure she would also be worried to see almost a quarter million roll out the door for something so useless when you're struggling to keep pace with income.

[MerryH]

I'm glad you're happy with all that, but I think you're missing some crucial points. Just because there are richer dudes she can go after doesn't mean she's not using you for your money. Ok, "using" is a strong word. Let's just say that your relationship is unbalanced. You're the one providing everything for her and her kids (even beyond basic necessities!) Before you, it was her ex-husbands money that was doing that. (This is what I'm gathering from your posts - feel free to correct me if any of the basics are wrong.) She doesn't work because she has small children and is taking classes? That's not a great reason to be unemployed at this point in her life, it seems.

If this were a fair and balanced relationship, the result of you telling her you were having financial problems would be her saying "I didn't realize things were so tight. I'm going to start looking for a job so that you don't have to be the only one paying my rent and feeding my kids. Let's cancel the cleaning service, we can use that money for daycare while I'm at work. You don't have to pay for my clothes and gas any more." Or something. All she said was, "No problemo! We'll just not make any extravagant purchases! And move in so you'll only have to pay rent on one place! Weee!"

A woman can use you for money while still not requiring bling thrown at them. You're financing her lifestyle of not working but still having a her bills, gas, and clothing paid for, a maid, extravagant meals/vacations, etc. That is a pretty ****ing sweet deal for her.

It's my ego that is to blame.

I agree, it IS your fault that you're in this predicament, that doesn't mean everything's fine, though. I mean, what if you lose your job again after you're married and living together? Is she going to pick up the slack if that happens? It sounds like she wouldn't.

[vashti]

A lot of people spend 2 month's salary on wedding rings, and i personally don't have an issue with her being home with her kids while they are small. I think ALL mothers should do that. And I don't really have a problem with you paying for little things for her here and there... that IS what couples do, and she obviously contributes in other ways to make you feel as though the relationship has balance. It doesn't HAVE to be a 50/50 split when it comes to money, especially if you are talking about a relatively higher income level.

My concern is more about you spending money and being RESENTFUL of it later. That is irresponsible. If you can't (or don't want to) afford something, then stop spending the money to gratify your ego.

[MerryH]

i personally don't have an issue with her being home with her kids while they are small. I think ALL mothers should do that.

I agree with this, but it's not always possible for all mothers to have that luxury. Money is the issue. The kids have to be provided for, and whose responsibility is that? The mother's boyfriend? I would have serious problems taking anywhere near $20,000 from a man. (Yeah, 20 grand, I added it up. And that doesn't include the ring or vacations or anything like that - that was just money he handed over to her.) I can't think very highly of someone who would do that while not bothering to get a job.

Kaius, you don't have any issues with that at all?

[Kaius]

I agree with this, but it's not always possible for all mothers to have that luxury. Money is the issue. The kids have to be provided for, and whose responsibility is that? The mother's boyfriend? I would have serious problems taking anywhere near $20,000 from a man. (Yeah, 20 grand, I added it up. And that doesn't include the ring or vacations or anything like that - that was just money he handed over to her.) I can't think very highly of someone who would do that while not bothering to get a job.

Kaius, you don't have any issues with that at all?

Well, at first I didn't think anything of it. But then I started to think if it was the right thing to do. Then my funds started to get low, and I started to get frustrated. But in the end, it's not her fault at all. She can't get a job because she is in school and has 2 small kids. She is going to be my wife by November of this year, so I don't see why she can't accept help from me. It's not like I'm just a guy she's casually seeing. We have been in a committed relationship for over a year. She has no motives at all... she tells me everything she buys with the money, so it doesn't look like she is wasting anything. I help her because I love her, and because I can. Even when funds are getting low, I can still get by. I'll just spend less on myself. Not a big deal. I just have to make sure this is a temporary setback, and not a permanent ordeal. A man has got to do what a man has got to do. I would never let her suffer.

[gigigi4]

i agree with others' thoughts about tightening the purse strings, postponing the wedding...just to add to the other posts: not only is the road you're going down financially disastrous, but you will sooner or later lose your attraction for your fiancee if you continue on in this way. she acts like another child who cannot support herself and is a burden to you, but worse than a child because as a grown woman and a mother she should be able to provide for herself and the family. you want a partner in life, not a greedy dependent. i can't stand it when women act like this, get a job!! having small children is no excuse, millions of single mothers work everyday and daycare would be WAY cheaper than all the money she's accepting from you to sit around and do nothing.

[Junket]

A man has got to do what a man has got to do. I would never let her suffer.

A man is supposed to be driven by LOGIC.

She's nowhere near "suffering", stop acting like she's in need of saving. Like I said before, she's no longer a new g/f you have to jump through hoops to impress. It's no longer "you" and "her", you are a couple, it's "we".

So if one of you has a problem, you both have a problem. If your funds are getting low, her funds are getting low.

Use your f*cking brain.

[sookie6]

I still think that whatever major spendings on her behalf and her children's (ie jewelry + holiday) this money should have gone to a saving account for YOUR kids...and that's all...

I understand you paying for food and rent since a single mother is a package deal...(sorry to simplify here) but ...come on! You're responsible for your kid's future above all...so any extra money should go for their future studies/clothes/extra curricular activities...who knows?

It's fairness...your fiancee's kids have a dad and a mother...who must think of their future..and hopefully once she is finished with her studies she will work and be able to afford any extra..

[misombra]

this is a clear cut example that some people have too much money.