I'm New - Long Post - Can't stop thoughts...

[tom84]

Hey everyone. I'm glad to have found this forum. I read through some posts and people seem very helpful!

I have a problem I've been dealing with. I know in a way it is all in my head, and maybe I am over reacting... but, I just can't stop these thoughts in my head...

Let me give you some background. I have been with my wife for about 7 years now(5 years 'going out', 1.5 years engaged, and about half a year married). The first 4 years were pretty good, we had no problems. In fact, we still have a very healthy relationship, I can't complain in any way about our physical relationship. My problem has to do with jealousy I guess. I was a virgin when we got together, she wasn't. That was fine with me, and still doesn't bother me that she had guys before me, but I think that fact, does kind of spill over into my jealousy or thoughts which I'll be getting into here soon...

So my wife and I(before we were married) we broke up at about 4 years into the relationship(she broke up with me, we were living together, I came home one day, and she and her stuff were gone). We got back together about 3 weeks later, then broke up again for a week, then got back together again for good(been 2 to 3 years since this). But during that short split up, I thought she slept with someone else, and during the time me and her were back together (inbetween the two breakups). I asked her a couple times, and she swears she never slept with anyone during that time, but there were texts messages on her phone that were quite fishy(these texts play over and over in my head, I can't stop them...)

Ok, so we moved passed that, and we got engaged a few months later, then married after that. Well, 5 months into our marriage, I looked online at our cell phone account(both phones on same account - hers and mine, different numbers of course though)... but I went online to check the payment, and I noticed she had over 1,000 text messages for only about 10 days! I was curious, and noticed that she was texting one guy, all day, all night, seriously, 100 texts a DAY, if she is awake for 14 hours in a day that is about 7 texts an hour. I confronted her about this, in a very calm way. I didn't yell at her, in fact I was very sad so I probably seemed more depressed when asking than angry. But she said it was just 'friendly nonsense texts'. She did stop texting that number since then, and her texts for this last month were only 100 texts for the WHOLE month)... Some other things about the texts... she had this persons name under a girls name in her phone... I checked her phone before talking to her. I typed in the number, and it said it was a girls name... well I called the number, and was direced to the voicemale of 'mike'... Also, the texts were not on her phone, they were deleted(and this is before I talked to her about it... before she knew I knew about the texts).

Anyways. She has been going on some 'girls nights out'... not often, but like 2 a month. Once about 2 months ago, she didn't arrive home till 5am... My problem is. I just can't get these bad thoughts out of my head. I can't stop thinking she will cheat on me, or has(even though I have no proof, I can't stop thinking about it)... Texts messages roll through my mind that I read off her phone from years ago, other things come up in my head... like the time she got really wasted at a bar and was unzipping and flashing her boobs at people(yes she had a bra on... but still....)... And now she is out getting drunk at a bar... will she get that drunk and stupid.... I dont know. I know I have to give my wife some space, cus everyone need some time away with other people... but I don't like that her time away is going out to bars with her single friends.

I dont' know. I guess I just needed to type this... As I type this, she is out right now at a bar in her hometown. I once went to a bar in her hometown, some guy came up to her and said hey baby and gave her a big hug. He was really a rude type person. He made a joke during our short conversation and said to my wife(just my GF of 4 years at the time) 'So you were with him when we were ****ing'? She laughed at this joke.... He basically called her a cheating slut, saying he slept with her, while she was with me... and she laughed at this joke? she should have been like, 'Of course, not, I would never cheat on him, so on, so on...'... but she laughed at it...

Anyways... I'm done for now... Thanks for taking your time to read this

[BeneathTheSun]

You're at a point where you need to answer some questions for yourself. Like, is the relationship more stressful than positive in your opinion? It seems that you really dont trust her and that is a basic foundation in every relationship. She has been cheating on you, but you've already figured that out. There is no other reason to name "mike" a girls name in her phone so.

Are you afraid of loosing her to someone else? Because if that's the case your jelausy will make sure that happens. "What you fear you create".

But I'm with you, I too have had my days when I read my GFs text messages. Can't say I really miss those days, lying sleepless wondering what she was doing. If I were you I would probably call it quits. A relationship is suppose to be a positive addition to your life, and I don't get the feeling that is the case here. But then again, people are never happy to recive that advice so I'll give you another one too, and that is to try and trust her. You will eventually have to trust her if you are gonna stay together so if that's your goal then believe what she is saying and try to move on with your relationship.

[tom84]

You're at a point where you need to answer some questions for yourself. Like, is the relationship more stressful than positive in your opinion? It seems that you really dont trust her and that is a basic foundation in every relationship. She has been cheating on you, but you've already figured that out. There is no other reason to name "mike" a girls name in her phone so.

Are you afraid of loosing her to someone else? Because if that's the case your jelausy will make sure that happens. "What you fear you create".

But I'm with you, I too have had my days when I read my GFs text messages. Can't say I really miss those days, lying sleepless wondering what she was doing. If I were you I would probably call it quits. A relationship is suppose to be a positive addition to your life, and I don't get the feeling that is the case here. But then again, people are never happy to recive that advice so I'll give you another one too, and that is to try and trust her. You will eventually have to trust her if you are gonna stay together so if that's your goal then believe what she is saying and try to move on with your relationship.

Thanks for your response Sun. My main problem is, I can't ever leave her. I love her too much. And she is a really great wife, in every way(well, she can be a bit messy around the house, but that is my biggest complaint)... but really, I was a virgin before her. I had girlfriends in highschool, one of them I dated for a couple years on and off(8 month stretch was the longest)... I never slept with this girl, or any of the other girls I had chances to sleep with... why, because I knew I wouldn't be with them forever. I wanted to have sex with one person and one person only, and that would be the girl I was with forever. When I first got with my current wife, we didn't have sex for months(And I know she had sex with other guys she dated within days). I wanted to really get to know her before giving her that.... but anyways, I could never leave her. I have asked her a few times, "have you had sex with anyone other than me, since the first time we had sex over 7 years ago, and her answer is always no(now of course, no matter if it was true or not, she would answer no...)... But, I don't know. I feel like I am the oddball. There aren't many real lovers around like me that wait for that one special person. I didn't wait for marriage, we slept together for years before that...but I did wait to sleep with someone until I thought they were a person I could spend the rest of my life with. I feel like she is perfect for me... and I must say, she is amazing in bed(I am a bit adventuruous you might say, and she is willing and excited to try and do most anything). I feel like this is a problem with me, and if I was to get a new girlfriend, it would only happen again. I feel like I need the fixing somehow, and it isn't her fault. I don't know why I feel that way, i know it is irrational.

[BeneathTheSun]

Well then, that's a whole diffrent story. And I will give you an advice from my life. With my first GF I was really jelous, not at first but she started to hang out with another guy more than she was with me so I got suspicious and perhaps they were only friends, who knows, but I tried my hardest to make it stop. I threaten to break up with her if it didnt stop, I did all the things I could do so she wouldn't leave me for him. Guess what she did? She left me for him. And sometimes I wonder how things would have been if I had been confident that she would always choose me first. Perhaps our realtionship would have last longer, not forever though, but longer. I found out she did the same thing to the guy she replaced me with but, yeah, my fear of loosing her to another guy pushed her to him. And this might be your reality too.

This is what I would do, you love this woman and it's the only one you want to be with. If she has slept with another one during your 7 years you can't undo that, and you would probably feel worse if she admit that so I would just believe her words, when she says "no" i would take that as a "no" and not worry about things. You have to fix yourself within the relationship. I could work on myself once I was single again, getting rid of the things that caused my jelousy, but you can't break up with your wife to figure these things out.

I will summarize: whatever you try to prevent her from doing, she is gonna do. Be pleased you find the woman of your dreams and try to be happy. Believe her and now that whatever happened in the past is dead and gone by now, no matter what happened.

[xxazurexx]

I'm unsure why you even married her. Seems you knew what she was and what you would be getting....but still, went ahead and put a ring on her finger.

You say you can't leave her, you love her too much.

How do you expect people to help you, if you can't and are not willing to help yourself? In that case, you are just gonna have to live with it, get on with it and prepare yourself for some future heartache. Because this is what I feel you will get, with this woman.

[tom84]

Thanks for the replies guys! Right now I really need someone to talk to... it is now 2Am and my wife isn't home.. she sent me a text a bit ago saying she was sorry but she was going to stay the night there, and that she loved me... I tried calling but her phone is off... before she went out, she even told me she won't drink and she'll be home at 11PM.. then at 12PM she texts me that... and no phone call even.. now it is 2AM and I am stuck here awake, worrying all night...

[sookie6]

Thanks for the replies guys! Right now I really need someone to talk to... it is now 2Am and my wife isn't home.. she sent me a text a bit ago saying she was sorry but she was going to stay the night there, and that she loved me... I tried calling but her phone is off... before she went out, she even told me she won't drink and she'll be home at 11PM.. then at 12PM she texts me that... and no phone call even.. now it is 2AM and I am stuck here awake, worrying all night...

I feel sorry for you. I don't think your current relationship is healthy...you seem to cling on her so bad that maybe it's also driving her away. Insecurities are not sexy or attractive. You should toughen up a bit and forget about this all 'she was my first and only sex partner' because it's not helping and it's also trivial you know..the most important fact is did she sleep with someone else while your were married? did she flirt with someone else during marriage?

It appears she did. So she broke her mariage vows...what do you do now?

Stop being so candide about relationships...she is not behaving like a wife should, maybe it's time to separate before you have children...there is a whole life ahead of you and possibly you'll meet someone you will really loves you...

[RockNRoll]

You can work on yourself, fight you insecurities, learn to trust her. But it makes sense only if she is willing to be in a loyal marriage with you. Otherwise you'll be fooling yourself.

There are some fishy stories, with "mike" and others (there is no other reason to change male's name to female's.. how came she went from thousand to zero texts a month?), so you are not overreacting that much.

[xxazurexx]

Thanks for the replies guys! Right now I really need someone to talk to... it is now 2Am and my wife isn't home.. she sent me a text a bit ago saying she was sorry but she was going to stay the night there, and that she loved me... I tried calling but her phone is off... before she went out, she even told me she won't drink and she'll be home at 11PM.. then at 12PM she texts me that... and no phone call even.. now it is 2AM and I am stuck here awake, worrying all night...

Probably with another man.

I think you are a big time sucker.

[VincenzoG91]

Tom, you know what's really going on. And you know that it's causing you a great deal of pain. You need to stop kidding yourself and end this marriage. It isn't good for you, because your wife isn't taking the marriage seriously. End it before there are kids involved, so you can make a clean break and find someone better.

[tom84]

she's still not home. 1PM now. She did text me a couple times just saying sorry, i love you but didn't tell me anything about when she would be home. she hasn't called, and hasn't answered my 3 attempts at calling...

*update - she just texted saying 'sorry I fell asleep'... I called her instantly after the text... she said she fell asleep in her car at like 11:30Am in a parking lot and now it is 1:15 when she texted me. She went to a store at about 11AM, i saw a charger on her credit card(I can check online the usage). So she went shopping this morning in a shopping center, then said she fell asleep in her car... it seems so unbelievable...

[tgoodspe]

Ok, I've read this before and I wanted to wait and see what some peoples' replies were and how the situation got. However, now I'm going to give my two cents to the situation.

You need to end your marriage. I know you're strung up on the one and only sex partner situation and trust me, I think that's a very, very noble thing of you to do. But I'm going to be honest with you, you just happened to do it with the WRONG person. She doesn't care about your values anymore or what you're bringing to the table. I'm not saying she never did, but I'm saying that right now there's absolutely no signs that she does.

She fell asleep in the car? Well there's two things to that. #1 Bullshit, or #2 Why was she so tired after last night of "casually staying the night"?

If she's taking the time to text you and apologize then she's obviously taking the time to hide something from you which means she's just stringing you along. I think if you love her which I know that you do, you need to show her that you're a real man and you're not going to be her puppet anymore. Tell her that you truly love her but it's high time that she shows that she truly loves you too.

How do you do that? Leave her. Find someone new. You're worth so much more as a man than to be treated the way she treats you. Find someone who will stay home with you on those nights and be just yours, or takes you with her to bars and doesn't let guys talk to her like that. Find that girl that's more meant for you. Because I'm telling you right now that you're just your wife's ragdoll and she knows it too. She's stringing you along for whatever reasons, probably financial entitlement, then she's off doing her own thing.

Long story short. End the marriage. It's unhealthy, and you've already had enough bags under your eyes from sleepless nights for any man to endure. I know it hurts, but looking back when you find the right person to be with you'll know you made the right decision.

I hope all goes well with what you choose to do, because to us commenters, it's obvious the choice that needs to be made. I wish you the best Tom!