Scared she's going to hurt me

[akman123]

apologies if this post is lengthy,

I am currently in a relationship which started 12 months ago, our relationship started quite badly as my girlfriend was actually in a long distance relationship when we met, I think we instantly connected and grew very close, I told her that I really liked her and that we’d only be together if she left the guy she was dating, anyway she couldn’t leave him and we just got closer and closer. We eventually slept together while she was still dating this guy, well I knew this had been a mistake, I’ve never seen such a devastated girl the next day, she sat at the side of the bed with her head in her hands and just said in a tearful voice, “I’ve never done anything like this before, how can I even look at him again” she looked like a train wreck, I felt terrible and rightly so I had helped her cheat. Well the next time she met this guy she was dating she tried to break up with him, but he begged her not to so she didn’t, but the damage was done and she eventually just broke it off a few weeks later. After breaking up with him we started to get friendly again and I soon asked her if she’d be my girlfriend and if we could be official, she said yes. Well things are great and we’ve had a lot of fun, I believe she is very honest and I’ve seen how guilty and sensitive she can get, and I genuinely believe she wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. Now comes a new problem, she’s going off on a surfing holiday for 2 weeks with some people she knows from a while ago, one of whom she had drunken sex with when she was single, I only know this because I asked her if she’s slept with anyone she was going with and she told me, my heart sank and said I wasn’t happy, she reassured me that nothing was going to happen and that they were just friends and it was a drunken night when she was single and that she’s committed to me now and is happy that way. I want to believe this and love her but I am petrified that she’ll hurt me when she’s away having a good time with this guy, I’m trying to hide how concerned I am from her because I believe that she will find my insecurity will drive her away. I’m holding onto the memory of that morning after she cheated and believes she doesn’t want to put herself through the same agony again. I understand that I am powerless to stop her cheating and the saying once a cheat always a cheat but I love this girl. I really don’t know what to do...

[xxazurexx]

Well.....she's proven herself to be capable of cheating and she'd be capable of it again IMO.

If she would cheat on one guy and a guy she claimed to love, why wouldn't she cheat on you also?

Guess this is what happens when you knowingly bag yourself a cheater....too trust, or not to trust. You will always struggle with trusting her.

[xxazurexx]

One thing that makes me laugh about your sort is, it's ok for you to cheat or be an accomplice to cheating.....but you don't like the thoughts of being cheated on yourself.

Hypocritical IMO and there's a saying, 'What comes around, always goes around'....

[smackie9]

One thing that makes me laugh about your sort is, it's ok for you to cheat or be an accomplice to cheating.....but you don't like the thoughts of being cheated on yourself.

Hypocritical IMO and there's a saying, 'What comes around, always goes around'....

I agree. You are getting no sympathy from me about this...as they say you've made your bed now lie in it. So how does it feel to be in the ex BF's shoes? Karma will always get you in the end.

[RockNRoll]

You helped her to cross that line, maybe she'll never do it again. Or maybe it's different after doing it once? Don't know, what perspective she has now. At least you can hope that she'll confess.
You know, technically she can cheat whenever with any other guy, not just with her friend/one night stand on this holiday. Either trust her once and for all, or be prepared to have such worries again.

[warriormaiden]

You kinda knew what you were getting in to, when you asked her to be your girlfriend.

I'm surprised you trust her at all, knowing what she is capable of.

[Helpme123]

if she loves you she wont do it. if she has any doubts at all, it will definitely happen. it sounds like she is an "honest cheater" if that makes sense in an ironic way, so you will know soon enough. but take it from a girl, she won't do it if she is committed to you, so either way, you'll know the choice you have to make if she tells you what you think might happen, happens.

hope this made sense. good luck!

[akman123]

I knew what i was getting into but i truly love this girl, shee was in a long distance relationship where she only met the guy once a month and she always did the travelling, he refused to come she her even at christmas, she deserved better. i believe she was scared to hurt him and didn't break it up when there relationship looked stale and had little future, this was before we met, she didn't just jump into bed with me we had been getting to know each other for months. i tried telling her to let him go if she wants to be with me, but she didn't know what to do. i don't believe in karma because i believe that circumstances dictate what we do, she often talks of our future together and how happy she is, it's not that im scared she cheat and just hurt me, im scared she'll do something she regret and hurt herself aswell. i have never had drunken sex with a someone i would call just a friend, and so i have no idea what tension will be between the two of them when there away or what his motives will be, i would hope that he would be a good enough friend to her to let her remain happy in this relationship, hypocritical of me maybe but her previous relationship was already on it's way out, i kinda just helped her see what else there could be for her. i know many of you may think i've been a bad person and i deserve what i get but i never meant to get this far in, and now i can't get out she's become my world. She could have easily of told me that she didn't sleep with this guy all those yrs ago, but i believe she wants this relationship to be honest and built on trust, something i'm finding hard to do, maybe this holiday will be the ultimate test for us as i will know if she's done anything when she comes back, and she knows i'd never forgive her and i'd walk away. i can only hope im worth it to her.

[xxazurexx]

i it sounds like she is an "honest cheater" if that makes sense in an ironic way,

Are you for real?

There is NO SUCH THING as an honest cheater!!

[xxazurexx]

I knew what i was getting into but i truly love this girl, shee was in a long distance relationship where she only met the guy once a month and she always did the travelling, he refused to come she her even at christmas, she deserved better. i believe she was scared to hurt him and didn't break it up when there relationship looked stale and had little future, this was before we met, she didn't just jump into bed with me we had been getting to know each other for months. i tried telling her to let him go if she wants to be with me, but she didn't know what to do. i don't believe in karma because i believe that circumstances dictate what we do, she often talks of our future together and how happy she is, it's not that im scared she cheat and just hurt me, im scared she'll do something she regret and hurt herself aswell. i have never had drunken sex with a someone i would call just a friend, and so i have no idea what tension will be between the two of them when there away or what his motives will be, i would hope that he would be a good enough friend to her to let her remain happy in this relationship, hypocritical of me maybe but her previous relationship was already on it's way out, i kinda just helped her see what else there could be for her. i know many of you may think i've been a bad person and i deserve what i get but i never meant to get this far in, and now i can't get out she's become my world. She could have easily of told me that she didn't sleep with this guy all those yrs ago, but i believe she wants this relationship to be honest and built on trust, something i'm finding hard to do, maybe this holiday will be the ultimate test for us as i will know if she's done anything when she comes back, and she knows i'd never forgive her and i'd walk away. i can only hope im worth it to her.

Please don't make excuses for her nor try to justify her cheating ways. Regardless of whether her ex was a good boyfriend or not, she was still in a relationship and she always had a choice to leave and if he was such a twat People do not tend to remain in bad situations and especially if they get the opportunity to escape it and in the form of another person....so I'm thinking her ex was probably not as bad as you try to portray him as being. She loved him, which is why she was torn between you both and why she felt so guilty at cheating on him. You were closer to home than he was, which is why she likely ended up choosing you.

And as she talks of a future with you and how happy she is, she likely fed her ex the same old shit too.....so don't assume you are anything special to her and until she's proven she can be trusted and you can trust her and you are still together in years to come.

And IMO and if she can have drunken sex with men who are just friends, then she is capable of having sex with anyone.

Sorry, but I think you have landed yourself a bad fish. But you are no better than her really, two of a kind, so perhaps you will make a good match, if you can get passed the trust issues that is.

[Boisdevie]

Scared she's going to hurt you?

I hope she does. In fact you both deserve to hurt each other. She cheated (hurt) her ex and you helped her to do it. Have you been checked for STDs recently? Might be worth thinking about.

[akman123]

So I take it the general consensus is that you can never trust someone who has cheated? Is this for life? Can they not change, maybe learn from their mistakes? I’ve learned from mine- to never get involved with someone who is in a relationship already; I’ve learned that the hard way and it’s why I’ve joined this forum.

[Take2]

I wouldn't sy you can never trust a cheater at all. But I think you can depend on people to continue to be the people they are. So it really depends on their motivations for cheating and their pattern since cheating.

If someone decided it was OK to start a new relationship before the old one was over...then any time they find something "better," they are likely to do the same. If someone was too cowardly to tell an ex they were done with the relationship, then that person can't be trusted to tell the next guy when they are done with THAT relationship until they have at least modeled the new pattern. As the next guy, you just really don't know. Several years from now, when she has dated 5 more guys and been true to them all without fail and in the face of temptation, I would say it would be safe to trust her. Sadly, as the guy she cheated with, you don't have a good pattern to judge by, do you?

[akman123]

Some of my close friends have known her since they were little kids and have grown up with her and they all say that when she’s been in a relationship she’s always been faithful in the past, word spreads quickly round here if anybody’s been cheating so they’d know. She seems committed to me as I am the first boyfriend she’s had who she has introduced to her family and her parents seem to like me a lot. Christmas was amazing and probably the happiest Christmas I’ve ever had, we’re both 24 and share a lot of the same interests, I give her space and would say I’m not the clingy type or at least try hard not to be, she phones me every day if she can’t see me and wants to know how my day was , and when she sees me she always has the cutest and biggest smile on her face, we haven’t had any major arguments and we are able to talk about anything, as we have done about this, but I’ve never had my heart broken before. I told her I was scared she’d break my heart and she hugged me and looked me in the eyes and said there was nothing to worry about, I never accused her of anything just told her how much she meant to me and that I was scared.

[warriormaiden]

I feel like you're trying to justify this girl. Make her in to this super being.
BOTTOM EPIC LINE is this: If she loved the other guy, yet f*cked you, she is capable of doing it again. You wanna know why? Because A) like what Take2 said, there wasn't any time period where she could prove herself to be true. A run through, a cool down.
And B) Usually these types of relationships, the ones that are born from infidelity, 99% of the time does not work out. I have seen this with my very own eyes.They may be together for awhile, but there are alot of issues within the relationship, and then eventually, they split.

It's nice that you're happy. And honestly, though I don't know you, I want you to be happy. Everyone should have that right. But I feel like this type of relationship was doomed for suspicion and jealousy from the get-go.
Guard your heart and your feelings.