I don't know what to do, could really use some advice please :(

[ashley89]

Ok, this might be long, so I apologize before I even start. Anyways, here's some of the back story.

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 15 months. We started dating in October of 2009, after working at the same job and knowing each other for 3 months. It was pretty much love at first sight, if that even exists. I knew I liked him from the moment I met him, and we always flirted and joked around with each other at work. After a few months of flirting back and forth, he kissed me in the walk-in refrigerator, and from that moment on, I knew we would be together. We dated casually and didn't really become official for about a month, but once we did, I was the happiest I've ever been in my whole life! I never really had a serious relationship before him. I dated guys but always wanted to remain single and unattached, either because I didn't feel anything serious for the person, or because I did, and didn't want to open my heart up to feeling vulnerable and get too attached. I was having a fine time doing that until Eric came along, when I realized I really did truly care about him.

Anyways, our relationship was great! I was the happiest I'd ever been, and felt we were perfect for each other. I changed jobs about 6 months into dating, but everything went along great. We complemented each other's personalities very well, and I enjoyed spending every minute I did with him. Of course we got into little fights and arguments, but they were always fixed relatively quickly and without doing much damage to each other.

Over the past few weeks or so, things changed a little. Due to stress going on in both of our lives, our relationship got a bit strained. He would say something that would hurt my feelings (whether it was intentional or not), I would over-react because I can be too sensitive, he would get mad that I over-reacted, I would be mad that he was mad, etc. However, I didn't think this was something that was a huge problem, we always seemed to get over the petty fights and move along.

There were a few times recently where we'd be together and I noticed he seemed like he didn't want to be there, or just plain old was annoyed at me for no reason. He would be in a cranky mood and snap at me, or make remarks that were so unlike him. I simply brushed this off as him having an off day or me over-reacting, and things went on as usual.

Last week, everything changed. Things were ok in the beginning of the week, we talked as much as we usually did, and planned to hang out Tuesday night, but he caught a stomach virus and we decided to hang out the next day. He came to my house, and from the moment he walked in the door, I knew something was different. He just seemed like he flat out did not want to be there. He was quiet and distant-seeming. Anyways, we went to do a few errands, and he started in with his cranky attitude. This led me to give him the silent treatment, which made things worse. When we got back to my house, we went to have sex, and got in a little argument about a position (I know, really stupid right?) He said "I didn't wanna do this anyways" which really hurt my feelings. Then he said he was gonna go home, and when I questioned him about his attitude, he said he just didn't want to be with me and wanted to go home. When I brought up the fact that he asked me to hang out, he said he did so just to get out of his house. This hurt me really bad, and he left. He texted me a little while later saying "I'm sorry I was an @$$ baby." I ignored him for about 5 hours when I was working, and even left my phone in the car, expecting a flood of texts or calls when I returned. Instead, there was nothing. I called him and we started to talk, and when I asked if he wanted to do anything that night, he said "not really." I immediately asked him what his deal was and why he was acting like this.

I basically dragged out of him that he said he was falling out of love with me and didn't enjoy being alone with me anymore. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me forever. This was the most heart breaking news I've ever heard in my entire life. I had no idea this was coming, and I was horrified. We didn't talk much for 4 days, which drove me nuts. I was trying to give him his space, but eventually I felt I needed to say something. He couldn't just throw some huge bomb like that at me and not say anything to back it up. I had so many questions, and him not talking to me was making things so much worse.

I finally convinced him to talk with me last night. We met up, and it started out HORRIBLE. Now he was saying that he didn't love me anymore, that he lost interest and wasn't happy with the relationship. He said it happened gradually over a couple of weeks, which I find hard to believe. How do you srop loving someone that quickly?

I got so many things off my chest, like I couldn�t believe he was saying this and especially that he didn�t even bring it up on his own, I had to drag it out of him. I told him off and just broke down completely. After awhile he got really upset too, and he kept saying how sorry he was. We talked more and more, and decided we were gonna try to work things out. There are a lot of things we need to change and work on, and for now he wants us to take it day by day. We don�t need to say �I love you� constantly and see or talk all the time, he just wants to take it slow and see what happens. This is so hard, because I love him and I feel like I�m on the losing side of the battle. This happened so quickly and came as such a shock. We didn�t even fight that much, which makes it even harder. To top it all off, my birthday is on Sunday, and I was planning on doing something fun, and now I�m so depressed and uninterested in anything that I don�t even know what�s going to happen. He has been talking to me and said he is gonna talk to me and wants me to be happy. So for now we are together, but it already feels so different and weird. I�m impatient and not good with waiting for things, especially this. I don�t know how to act. He at least has stopped ignoring me and has promised that he will talk to me, and doesn�t want me to be sad. He admitted he loved me last night but said he still needs time and stuff which I guess I understand. I just don�t know what to do. How do I act? I�m so confused and hurt. I�ve been depressed the past 5 days, I finally started eating again last night and I don�t feel as horrible today, but it still sucks. Can anyone give me ANY advice? I know this is long and I�m sorry.

[ashley89]

come on guys I know it's kinda long but I need some advice! you know you wanna help

[BeingAlpha]

Your natural reaction is to cling to him as tightly as you possibly can but I assure you that is the last thing you want to do. My thoughts are based upon human psychology only but its probably pretty accurate. First people don't chase things that are sitting right next to them -- its often times the challenge that people are attracted to. If you guys really did hang out and talk all the time -- it was too much. You need to stop being clingy IMMEDIATELY -- I would recommend you let him call you, ask to hang out with you when he wants to -- DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT constantly bring up the relationship and how things are going, how he is feeling etc..

You need to give him "space" that he needs and make him realize that he could IN FACT actually lose you. It is going to kill you but you need to wait for him to reach out to you and do stuff -- and then treat it like the beginning of dating when he wasn't sure if he was going to get another date or not. Uncertainty and the chase made it exciting. Your relationship has become stagnant and boring...truth.

DO NOT force him to make a decision -- ultimatums will lead you to pushing him a way and worse hurt.

Hope that helps -- be strong...do not act all clingy -- above all else I recommend doing the exact opposite of what you think is right. Telling him over and over and over you love him is going to get annoying.. professing your love, cards etc.. bad move...sounds dumb but it won't help...this is not about saving face its about human psychology.

[Dean Kaplan]

Good stuff, BeingAlpha. Spot on advice.

Only other thing I would add is to get a makeover, start going to the gym, get a spa treatment, get your teeth whitened, etc. Not because you're ugly, but because you want to work on YOU right now. Also, the next time he sees you, you want him to say, "damn, she looks good..." Us guys are very visual, so if you can make it so that you look better than before the next time he sees you, that will help get him back.

If he doesn't come back, you have an improved self-image and more confidence than you had before. A win-win situation.

[ashley89]

thanks guys that helps alot. I'm feeling much better than I was a few days ago. he has been texting me, and it has been all him initiating it... asking me how i'm doing, and we've been having a normal conversation just about our day and what we've been doing, nothing too heavy like the relationship stuff. yesterday he was saying stuff like he still really cares about me and wants me to be happy, and he is trying to make this work, so that gives me some hope. I guess for now all I can is just sit back and relax and wait for him to talk to me. slowly things will work themselves out. guys suck! why can't you guys just be easy

[ashley89]

oh p.s. Dean - I have been whitening my teeth anyways, and I don't think I need to go to the gym because since this problem I dropped about 10 pounds and I was thin to start off with but I know what you mean and appreciate your advice

[Dean Kaplan]

My pleasure. Sounds like things are going in the right direction. You have the right mindset to make this work. Just gotta wait for him to "bust a move." Hope things continue to go well.