a lot at stake.. (long)

[ferriswheels]

...meaning like a 3 year old is involved.

my girlfriend and i have been going out for 3 1/2 years now. very early in our relationship we had a child together. it wasn't so much a mistake as us being lunatics, as we were far from financially or emotionally prepared to raise a child. nonetheless we have raised a really happy, cute, and healthy boy, who brings a ton of joy into our lives.

but there are some issues in our relationship.

first off my faults: i'm an extremely jealous guy, really bad i'll admit, i have a tendency to expect the worst, and i draw conclusions that can sometimes be a bit far fetched. i have always constantly asked her "what's wrong?" or "do you love me?" to the point where she will generally snap at me if i say those things. there were a couple of times that i caught her in a lie, she went to meet other dudes from her past both times. my jealousy got so bad at one point that i went looking for information that was not meant for me to see. i started snooping, and i did not like what i found. she was arranging another meeting with a guy who would obviously make me jealous. she says she lies to avoid conflict and because i would freak out. which i understand but do not agree with. she has a lot of guy friends and a few of them flirt with her incessantly, and she somewhat encourages it.

so needless to say i told her what i did, full well knowing that it would become a huge fight which it did. so what was the result? well i have completely acquiesced, i don't pry into her affairs, i don't constantly ask her for confirmation of love, i don't ask her if guys flirt with her or anything. i realize what i did was basically wrong and evil, i love her so much, and i am wrestling with knowing this person is a person of great integrity on one hand and this sort of insecure build up on the other hand. i always expect doom. it just overtakes me!

anyways things are getting better again in our relationship, she is slowly warming up to me again, and i think i'm acting in a way that proves how much she means to me, and how much our family means to me. doing everything i can to become a better person, and not heft my personal issues into her lap. she is already stressed with work school and our son, she doesn't need a freaked out jealous boyfriend breathing down her neck. i know.


but there are things that are nagging at me that are not phantom, paranoid feelings of jealousy.

so i have a few questions:

is she justified in keeping meetings and general contact with men from her past from me?

really to be honest it's the lies and hiding of things that gets me more freaked out than her actually hanging out with these people. but for some reason i just cannot get her to be straight with me about it.

she is not as affectionate as i am, never really was, yet she seems to offer casual friends more respect and friendliness than she does offer to me. i always have to ask her for hug. she never initiates any affection with me. she more often than not makes me feel like a nuisance to her.

is this a really bad sign or are some people simply like that? she's not a total ice queen its just really hard to get a hug out of her sometimes.

i feel like i would move mountains to be with her and raise our son together, because i love her in such a profound way, i can honestly say i have never felt this sort of depth of love before. and i'm in my mid 30's. but i feel like everytime we get into a disagreement she just wants to take off. she often talks of how unhappy she is and she seems to really miss going out to bars and hanging out all the time. i am always home with our son (when i'm not working) i hardly ever go out, she goes out at least twice a week, when a friend visits from out of town she takes days off of work, drives our son to her mom's to hang out with them. when i ask for just a night alone with her or to plan something with her she just says that i'm being selfish for asking her mom to watch our son for basically "no reason"? she has even broken plans with me to drive to another city to hang out with her friends and lied to me about it.

so like i said she's really an amazing beautiful strong intelligent woman who i love so so much. but i'm starting to think that maybe we are trying to force ourselves to be compatible for our son.. that maybe i'll never get the sort of affection that i need. which is generally just someone who takes an interest in my life and thoughts and seems at least happy to see me most of the time. i just feel like i'm walking on egg shells and just giving and giving but it's hardly being noticed. our situation is stressful as well trying to make ends meet and raising a son, and i'm sure it contributes to our distance... i'm just really confused at a critical time in my life. and i know the best thing is to wait and see what happens.. but it's very very difficult.

she does love me i know. she does little things like make breakfast and is affectionate some of the time with me. our sex life is as good as can be expected with a 3 year old running around. but the magic is lost even when i try all the tried and true flowers poems gifts and favors, i clean the house constantly. i do as much as i can to make her environment a positive one. but i cannot get her to spend quality time with me. if we talk for like an hour it's a really amazing feeling for me, cause it's somewhat rare. i just don't know what to do right now. and now i don't ask her about guys or anything so my mind is going into a feedback loop. i want so bad for this to work out. what can i do to cope?

[reeba]

She needs to grow up and start acting like a mommy and a wife (I know you aren't married, but living together and having a 3 year old is basically a marriage). And there are valid unlying reasons why you are insecure, and wanting verbal reinforcements of 'yes everything is great' and 'i love you'. You are insecure because she is still going out to the bars, still staying in contact with her past guy friends, has many guy friends, lies, and won't do anything with you that isn't behind closed doors and convenient for her.

Basically for her to keep her current lifestyle of partying, she needs you and her mom to babysit. And by the way do you do most of the house chores, cooking, etc. Don't you realize she just reversed roles on you? Basically you are the girl that is stuck with a bad boyfriend because you have a kid by him.

I don't know what to suggest, the problem isn't the child so much, it is you. You have emotions for a woman who puts what she wants first. Because you have emotions for her, you shouldn't stay there. Can you affort your own place and child support? My guess is if you had your own place nearby and the split was very civil, you will still be the built in babysitter and see your son much more than the custody arrangement.

[tom84]

you sound like me and my wife... cept we don't have a kid... i battle with jealousy and bad thoughts that run through my head(caused by passed lies from my wife). I love her more than anything, and I would never leave her, but soemtimes being with her brings me such pain. I think you, and me, just need to either find trust, or leave. For me, the only option is to try to find trust... the problem is... for me... finding trust takes time... and during that time, I can't help but continue to snoop... I hope I don't find anything else to cause loss of trust... I hope for you too!

[ferriswheels]

she is a really really great mom. i cannot stress that enough. she is completely available for our son, and has gone through some tough reality to ensure that he is mentally and emotionally healthy. going out twice a week is not so bad. i'm just not into bars. i still do stuff on my own just not as often. the issue is just that i feel that our "relationship" time is really low priority.

@tom84, i would suggest trying hard not to snoop. it is really really hard but i feel like it is much like an addiction and needs to be kicked. letting go of that control is gonna make you a stronger person ultimately. girls always hate it when you read their diary!!! they need and deserve a certain degree of mental space to just be free. and when you are a jealous guy, such as myself, things can easily be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion. to show lack of trust is generally unattractive and undermining. it's very hard though when trust has already been broken. just gotta try and be resolute in the matter. of course this is just my own situation i'm dealing with and i could be off the mark for yours.

[Yet another guy]

From what you are saying, it seems like she is not a "relationship type girl". She enjoys the attention she gets when guys flirt with her but gets bored with being with just one guy. I'm betting that the only reason she stays with you is your child.

[reeba]

Now you say it isn't all so bad, she deserves trust, blah blah blah? That you BELIEVE
- that your problem is that you are a jealous guy (or is that what she is saying, to make the situation all your fault),
- she deserves trust and her space so you wont' snoop (with her past and common actions she is exhibiting the actions of a cheater, and you have already snooped and found evidence, are you no longer snooping because you are scared of what you might find? or did she give you an ultimatum upon confrontation?)
- that you feel your relationship isn't priority with her (hmmmm, I wonder what makes you think that, perhaps it is dating other guys and not willing to ever go out with you?)

I'm going to stop typing now. Because at this stage you are beyond hope. You are just venting, and not willing to face a reality that it isn't going to change. By the way you need to read this post tom84 did (not his reply to you, but his post he dis on his wife), cause this is the road you are starting to head down too. He is another one living in denial.