control freak husband?

[miss sparkles]

Hi just looking for a bit of advice as I dont know where else to turn really.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and he has always had a temper,never pyhsically towards me but he has punched doors etc in the past.

I suppose I must have ignored it to a point over the years,but recently we have been going through a bad patch arguing a lot,and something must have snapped inside me because I have become much more assertive with him for example he always walks out when we argue and knows I would panic and go out after him,well now I have come to the point where i wont and I think let him go hes playing games.

last night we argued again,he walked out half hour passed my 5yr old was crying so I phoned him saying "where are you" he says "out walking and I am not coming back tell the kids what you like because you wont see me again" I replied by asking "what about your son? hes crying what do aia say to him?" he didnt seem to care and seemed to enjoy seeing me distressed and almost begging (for my sons sake) that if he loved me and his son he would come home and do this properly.

I got the feeling he was trying to control me thorugh my son and he didnt care who he hurt as long a s he felt he was in charge of the situation.

I am really starting to resent him and think he may be a control freak he never says sorry when he snaps and loses his temper and seems to think we can just carry on as normal,but I feel so hurt and disrespected.

I would like to tell him to go for good but worry about my son

Please Help

[reeba]

What do you mean you have recently become more assertive and don't panic when he says he is going to leave. You just did panic, and tried to blackmail him with 'if you really loved your son....' And you call him controlling? So I don't buy the line, you are wanting him to stay for the beneifit of your son. I think it is for your benifit.

I don't know what the fights are about, and him throwing and puching objects is itimidatation towards you. But what type of environment is this for your son - fighting, the constant instability of dad constantly threatening to leave, etc.

You both need counceling.

[xxazurexx]

Not a healthy enviroment for a child.

You need to sit down and talk with him, before you are both reported to social services.

[vashti]

Your son will take a BIG clue about how to react from you. If he sees YOU are upset, naturally HE will be upset, too. I suggest you be as causal as humanly possible when your husband behaves this way, and just tell your kid "oh, daddy is just out getting some exercise. Don't worry - he'll be back later. Let's go play with your cars." And then, don't bring it up again.

I would have snapped over this kind of childish nonsense, too, but what this really means is that your kid is only going to have ONE parent who behaves like an adult, Don't disappoint him.

[cancankant]

It sounds like your husband is trying to calm down by walking out on the conversation and taking some time. I've had to do this in the past in my relationship. I have anger issues and have probably done some of the things your husband has --- throwing things, acting the "fool", yelling, screaming, etc. It's crappy, immature behavior that's embarrassing.

If he needs some "time" to cool down, I suggest that you make peace with the walks. Even encourage them. Say something like, "Maybe you need some down time." If he decides to go out, then fine. Don't call, text or chase after him. He'll be back. Where is he going to walk? Siberia???

I suggest that you ask him to seek help for the anger, even if it's just a support group as opposed to therapy, etc.

[sweetkissesforu]

[url=http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Control-Freak]How to Deal With a Control Freak - wikiHow[/url]

[dguywithabeard]

Many times when men react with anger and violence (towards objects), it's because they sense you are making (the slightest) attempt to try and receive something back in the relationship. Anything. Attention, time, respect, appreciation. They have become so used to using this relationship to get only what they want, that sensing in any way that this equation may be harmed makes them react with an extreme need of control.
You too are sensing that lately you are getting to the point where getting nothing in return just won't do anymore. It's a good movement forward for you.
Perhaps you can explain to your husband how you feel. He will not understand and accuse you of always getting everything and he getting nothing. He will give practical examples while you are reffering to something within. But, men many times have a hard time accepting a position during an argument, which they will accept afterwards, given the time.
Right now it looks bad. Don't worry about the kid. Just make sure you love him very much. Show him and tell him that, he'll be fine.

[url]http://beforeyoubuythering.tumblr.com/[/url]

[vashti]

I'd sooner spend my time worrying about the emotional health of a child I brought in to the world and was responsible for protecting than a grown man that acts like a pouty, semi-violent baby.

But that's just me.

[xxazurexx]

Right now it looks bad. Don't worry about the kid. Just make sure you love him very much. Show him and tell him that, he'll be fine.

What the heck???

I highly doubt that 'Don't worry about the kid', is a view Social Services would take in this country and they'd swoop on this household immediately and if they knew of this situation and this child would be placed on Child Protection. At 5 years old, he is far too young to understand that 'everything will be fine'....all he is witnessing is the arguments and his father banging his fist through doors and god knows whatever else he may be doing.

No kid should grow up witnessing that SHIT!!!

[dguywithabeard]

yeah, i can totally see that. the SS going in and taking the child away so as to REALLY mess him up. Sad. When a kid sees fights between the parents like that, he needs reassurance. He needs to know his mother loves him and that everything will be alright.
This woman has to figure out her situation and solve it. The solution isn't to protect her son, it's to protect herself, because the only way her son will be alright is if she focuses on her needs and comes out of this strong.
I have three kids. Me and them have gone through hell and back. Including extreme violence and lots of SS. I am not talking without experience.

[url]http://beforeyoubuythering.tumblr.com/[/url]

[vashti]

He needs to know his mother loves him and that everything will be alright.

Not really. The primary thing young kids need to know is that they are SAFE and will have their needs cared for. Love is too abstract for a child to comprehend.

Why did you allow you children to be exposed to extreme violence, or was it violence committed by a stranger?

[dguywithabeard]

Not really. The primary thing young kids need to know is that they are SAFE and will have their needs cared for. Love is too abstract for a child to comprehend.

Why did you allow you children to be exposed to extreme violence, or was it violence committed by a stranger?

Well I completely disagree with you, but then again, that is part of what opinions are about. Anyhow, who "allows" children to be exposed to violence? It's not like this mother is saying: ok, I guess I will let my child see this. Of course she'd rather the kid not be exposed. Now that he was, should she be worried, or confident she can turn it around?

[url]http://beforeyoubuythering.tumblr.com/[/url]

[hello1]

Sadly my boyfriend used to act like this so I know what you are going through. I ended up leaving him for him to realise what he was doing and get help. I cannot believe you had children with this man, He is a immature little boy who is doing this to get your attention!

My boyfriend used to pack all his clothes up and leave the house, yes he was that pathetic! I stopped very quickly asking him to stay and sort it out. He never left me, it was all talk and him wanting me to see if I cared. He had anger isssues too like throwing things and yelling. You need get out of this relationship, this is just the way he is as a person! you have a son, do you want him to think this is normal behaviour? that he can treat his partners like this? because he will and he will never be happy. LEAVE, men like this rarely change

[xxazurexx]

yeah, i can totally see that. the SS going in and taking the child away so as to REALLY mess him up. Sad.

Sorry, but we don't leave things to chance in the UK anymore....not as far as kids and their welfare goes.

To many kids over here have ended up DEAD and DIED horrible deaths at the hands of their parents and in houses where the parents had not got along, argued, fought, etc, etc yet it was deemed by Social Services, 'safe' for the kids to stay and they were classed as not 'at risk' and despite neighbours had raised concerns. Kids have died too many times, the fault of the Social Services...and Social Services were heavily criticised. Which is why they now leave nothing to chance and they would swoop on this household to assess if there is a problem. and no matter how trivial it seemed. Even if it doesn't appear to be a huge problem, it could lead to a HUGE problem and if left unseen too.
it's always better to be safe than sorry and check things out.

Put it this way, I know a female who had her kids taken away for LESS than what is happening here....and she didn't get them back for over a year.

Sadly, a lot of cases go unreported and a child will continue to suffer.

Do you have Social Services in the US?

[xxazurexx]

Well I completely disagree with you, but then again, that is part of what opinions are about. Anyhow, who "allows" children to be exposed to violence? It's not like this mother is saying: ok, I guess I will let my child see this. Of course she'd rather the kid not be exposed. Now that he was, should she be worried, or confident she can turn it around?

[url=http://beforeyoubuythering.tumblr.com/]Before you buy the ring[/url]

Exactly....she could leave. But most don't. They do what is best for them and not for the child and without thinking of the child.

A person who doesn't place their child 'first' shouldn't have kids IMO.