I feel like this is an odd problem, one I don't know what to think of it...

[tacticalcraptic]

...I just know that I feel weird about it.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months. As with alot of girls in my area she feels sex and such before marriage is a bad thing. Which is fine, I can go with that, I am not a sexual fiend and alot of girls I have dated have that same view and I have no problem being respectful and I don't need sex to have a relationship.

But here is the issue, the girl I am dating now feels this way but is not really good at sticking to it, though we never had actual intercourse (she is still a virgin) we did other things. And knowing her view, I never start it, I always let her.
But over the last few months it has made her sad and she feels we should not do sexual things, which I am not exactly thrilled about but I respect and love her so I can do it. For awhile she would just kiss me and start doing sexual things, though she would be upset after we were done about our lack of self control. So I started trying to stop her before things went too far, which is difficult cause I still want them and I have no personal moral issue with them. But then she will get depressed and upset thinking that I don't want her or think she is sexy anymore. It's hard cause whether I try to help her resist or whether I give in, I still feel the backlash.

But that's not all, we have stopped doing things like that lately that but it doesn't stop from regularly telling or texting me that I am sexy and the things she wants to do to me or me to her and she gets very detailed about it only to finish it with, "but you know we can't, right?" and If I talk about sexual things in return and it goes past what she feels is ok that day, she gets upset as well, even if it's not nearly;y as "bad" or in depth as what she is telling me. I am trying to walk a fine line between showing enough affection to make her feel physically wanted and attractive without making her feel like I want her to go against what she thinks is best. it's hard.

On top of all that, she tells me about nightmares she is having sometimes where I "rape" whiles she is sleeping and she doesn't notice til she wakes up cause she sleeps so heavily. Which I would never even consider. And the icing on the cake to the problem is that a month or two ago one of my cousin's went off the deep end and tried to kidnap and rape a 16 year old girl (He failed before he could do anything, thank the stars) and he is one of the last people in the world I would have imagined doing such a thing.

But now I am afraid to kiss her or touch her too much for fear of not knowing how she will respond in either direction.
The whole situation just got me feeling frustrated, hurt and always on egg shells.

I am just talking here, thanks for listening, feel free to tell me whatever you want.

[dguywithabeard]

Tough. When someone refrains from sex for religious reasons, normally those same reasons dictate they marry young. It's not clear how old you guys are. But maybe you should talk to her about that: what are her believes? What are they based on? How is sex "bad" or "wrong"? Thinking sex is negative can really mess you up in the long run. Through sexuality people can really open up and become emotionally intimate, and learn to rely on each other, and more. In short: it seems that the problem isn't how far or not you guys go, but why is there guilt and how sensible it is. Talk?

[reeba]

I've known girls in college who were raised that premarital sex was wrong. But they rarely went home alone during the weekend. This is their logic -
-Be really drunk. Not really a slut if not totally aware of what you are doing.
-Don't use birth control. Obviously the sex wasn't premeditated, thus not as much of a crime.

This girl is a ticking sexually repressed time bomb, and she will get herself into trouble, and thus you. Her rape fantasy is right in line with what I'm saying. Obviously not a sin if someone forces her to do it.

She needs to get over the guilt, and find herself a healthy loving relationship where she isn't going to feel like she is going to rot in hell. Obviously you aren't the loving relationship, or she wouldn't feel so conflicted. You are the experiment that is going to get her in trouble.

[tacticalcraptic]

We have discussed it, she doesn't have a religion,she is agnostic like me, but she has this "standard" that she has set for herself since she was young from her mother, we have discussed the guilt thing and guilt is a big part of her, but it's guilt for all kinds of things, failure to perform a work, bad driving moves etc.
it's just this romantic ideal she has about losing her vriginity on her wedding night and it's one of those things that she has "just decided about" (which is not a good reason to me but I don't argue)

I would not say she is a sexual ticking time bomb, I am 27 and she is 25, she had a period when she was younger where she experimented sexually (though only giving sexual favors from people she didn't have a relationship with but never receiving sexual satisfaction from them) she ahs done things and though in many ways she has opened to me more sexually than anyone in her past (so she says and I do believe her) she still like she needs to save something for some reason. Which I can respect I suppose but when she talks about it all the time, it's hard to just ignore it and wait and see how the relationship goes, especially when she seems to think she does want to marry me someday because I am "perfect in more ways than any man she has ever met"

[dguywithabeard]

So if you are 27 and she is 25, you seem to really like her and she you, maybe start talking about marriage?

[tacticalcraptic]

WE have discussed it before, alot, we don't feel ready for it at this moment.