Why did my ex contact my close friend out of nowhere?

[spiritofjosh]

Me and my ex dated almost 5 years and she broke up with me about 4-5 months ago. I spoke to her loosely for a month or so after the break up and we held hands kissed etc but then I broke contact completely because I felt like she was toying with me. Since then she basically dropped off the face of the earth and the only way I knew she was still even alive was that she works 5 minutes from my house and I see her at work when I have to drive by.

Anyway about 3 days ago my ex randomly texted my best friend Natalie and asked how she was doing and that she misses her. Thing is my ex and her were friends but mainly because I was a mutual friend, they were never close or ever hung out alone. They didn't talk about anything specific really, no mentioning of me but I feel its weird she contacted her especially because they didn't talk at all when we broke up. And Nat and I never hooked up and won't, but we do hang out a lot and everybody knows that, so I doubt my ex would think we were hooking up, if that makes a difference.

What's also weird is the night before my ex texted her, I was talking to Nat about her and how much I really do miss her and stuff and the next day she gets the text; "Hey Nat just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing, I miss you." They talked about small stuff and Nat mentioned to me that she may have my ex do her hair (she's a hair stylist obviously) and the next day my ex texted her again; "hows your hair haha." Like she's reading our minds almost...not really.

They haven't talked in the last two days but it still got my head going in all directions. Honestly I miss my ex a whole hell of a lot, I've talked to many girls since her and just can't move on 100%. I'm not waiting for her but I would like to be with her again. Before I stray off topic though, is there any significance to my ex contacting one of my closest friends out of nowhere?

[smackie9]

She waited for things to kool down between you two before making contact with your friend Nat. I think it was more of a courtesy thing to you. Plus she never mentioned anything about how you were doing ect which means she has moved on.

The mere suggestion of being friends is motivation to get back with her...you are not fooling anyone. If she was around you again it's obvious you will want to get back with her....you are beating a dead horse and you need to get over her and move on.

[spiritofjosh]

I mentioned that because I knew somebody would say something. You need to get over her and move on, I know this and is it easy? Not at all, I spent five years with this girl obviously I can't erase that. And I never mentioned me wanting to be friends with her anyway, hence why I started with this thread. I would of assumed the same thing if they ever talked that much before hand, before we broke up or during. The most they've ever talked was when Nat would be with my other best friend Bill and me and my ex would show up, they'd have small "girl talk."

Me and my ex have gone through this before, I broke up with her 2 years ago for about 4 months, during this time she started talking to my friend Bill (not "talking" she knew he has a girlfriend). She asked how he was etc and he would mention hanging out with me a lot and what we were up to then she would flood him with questions with me, almost waiting for the other to bring me up first. This is why I'm wondering if this is unusual. Nat on the other hand didn't bring me up because I asked her not to, after they talked my ex stopped texting her. If she contacted one of her good friends I know out of the blue, then no big deal. Nat was always an acquaintance at best.

I don't mean to be snippy on the moving on situation. It just gets annoying when I seek advice on something different and that's what I get. I know and want to move on but when stuff like this happens it brings me back to square one. When I can't move on and it's effecting my personal life, then I will start a thread on that subject.

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, she was toying with you. Messing around without a commitment is just begging for problems...Have a look around the forum lol!
Anyway why are you trying to make the connection that your ex is getting in touch with your best friend in order to establish getting back with you?

Before you can be with anyone else dude you need to get over this ex of yours.
It isn't fair to the next girl who will be forced to be 2nd choice only because the 1st choice doesn't want you.

ZERO significance. When someone likes you they make it known.
She made it known by first dumping you -then using you for hand holding and kissing shortly thereafter. And you want this kind of girl back?
Much better choice of women out there.

[NeedAnswers]

Trying to make you feel jealous.

[SelflessnHumble]

I mentioned that because I knew somebody would say something. You need to get over her and move on, I know this and is it easy?

YES it is easy to move on. How you move on is just as easy...
Your issue isn't really about her -it is all about you-

Me and my ex have gone through this before

Dude...Talking to friends, the ghost in her attic, and people you both know means nothing.
You are pretending to read into this hoping to create a shred of hope when there is none.

I don't mean to be snippy on the moving on situation. It just gets annoying when I seek advice on something different and that's what I get. I know and want to move on but when stuff like this happens it brings me back to square one. When I can't move on and it's effecting my personal life, then I will start a thread on that subject.

What is really annoying is reading how people build their lives around ONE person and then?
BAM -that other person takes a huge, steaming pile of crap on your hopes, dreams and wishes...
YET you don't get seem to be annoyed with the fact she dumped your ass and then used you for affection???

You allow "this stuff" to bring you back to square one.
Meaning YOU are in control of your own life and your own decisions.
She didn't "make" you sad, hurt or cry. She made a decision and YOU couldn't handle it because
you invested wayyyy too much of yourself into just ONE person who obviously could care less about
you doing so and how you "feel" about it...

You need to get to know yourself better than you do and figure out why you put all of this on her
when YOU are the one to blame for these feelings, no matter what she chooses to do, or who to be with.

The fact is you need to man up: and take responsibility for what you did to contribute to her leaving you.
Once you've done this you can get the closure you need. Until you stop playing the violin you will never
truly be free of her.

[Cinnabella]

Why did you break up? It's so clear that she's using your friend as a bridge to get to you again, every individual is different and if you are going to ask randomly ppl that knows nothing about your situation, plus every girl has different thinks, especially in this site they will always say move on no matter what the situation is lol. That's what I think, she has her own friends n contacting your best friend is just a way to connect with you again, especially after you ignored her. So, just wait to see but don't put too much hope because I don't want you to get hopeless, it's horrible :-(

[spiritofjosh]

Truth hurts I know, but I honestly feel most people on this site use ridicule as advice, which is alright, I have thick skin. I even agree with most of it but with this situation I personally don't. I didn't mention why she broke up with me to avoid a huge story to read. She broke up with me because at the time I didn't have a job and was just living off unemployment being lazy, my mistake I know and this has nothing to do with my current situation so please keep negative comments to yourself because I already know. And it wasn't just being jobless, my attitude towards her was getting worse and worse. I have a temper problem and being that I was out of work I became more bitter, then would take it out on her and she got sick of it. I don't agree really but in her defense it was probably hard to deal with somebody you love being so negative and bitter and not even looking for a job at that point, but also hard to fully let go (holding hands, wanting to see me etc). I have a good job now and I'm working on bettering myself, finding another girl to get over her isn't such an important issue right now. And I'll be the first to say finding a girl for that purpose is just using her and I have a conscience, so being single is fine. My ex also isn't holding me back in life either, I'm not sitting and waiting for her, I get up and go to work everyday, hang out with my friends and I'm happy. But I have time invested with her, she was my first long term girlfriend and if some of you claim it's simple to break up and then forget they ever existed then bullshit, everybody's different. I mainly asked because I'm wondering what to expect, if I'm going to be hearing from her. Once Nat told me she talked to her I didn't hop up and down wondering when she was gonna come waltzing through my door open arms. It's called curiosity to me, not desperation.

And if she ever were to try and ease her way back into my life and I come here asking for advice, I'll take the criticism on what to do more openly, right now it's off topic and I apologize for sounding so defensive. I just feel everybody thinks I'm taking the issue way too far before I actually am, but I do appreciate most of the advice I received.

[Cinnabella]

I feel like i submit my thread here and i got more of comments like move on, get a rebound, hook up with guys are absolutely not something i would do, If ppl have moral they should solve their problem without take other ppl as their advantage, i just meant that you need to tell the full situation or you ask your real life friends that understand you and your relationship to get the exactly advice.

You are absolutely right, loving someone for some years then you can say forget them to forget that easy, especislly if they meant so much to us :-(. My friend can says it so easy, because she has never had a serious relationship that she can know what real love is.

I give you advice on what i think! The relationship was so stress for both of you, when you didnt have a job and she became your temper basket, im sure she still loves you, and seeing you have changed, she thought that it opens a better opportunity for both of you? But seriously, she contacts with your best friend is a way to reconnect with you again. Because if it was me, i would do it if i want to return with my ex, or else i dont have time to mess around! Hope it helps.

[spiritofjosh]

Thank you and that's why I lash back. Everybody is different and although my situation isn't something new, it is much different than so many people I know who broke up because their ex cheated on them, or left them for somebody else. If this were my situation I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Do I feel my ex took the immature, easy way out? Of course. Would I take her back, if she we're using my friend as a reconnection to me? I don't know. I haven't gotten to that point yet nor do I really expect to. I try to take things one day at a time and since she already stopped talking to my friend Natalie my curiosity already died down.

[Cinnabella]

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure at least she still has feelings for you. Maybe she felt pretty shame and her pride would play a role since you ignored her before. With a girl the ignorance was really touch her pride! You seem like still have feelings for her right? Do you want to return together?


Just see if she will contact your friend again, and slowly she will try to get your information from your friend, at the same time if you want to get back you need To tell something to your best friend so maybe she will tell your ex later, and open a door for her to know what you ard feeling!

[smackie9]

Sorry you feel the advice is not to your liking. The thing is with me I don't blow sunshine up peoples asses so they can hear what they want to hear....it gives false hope. If she comes around she comes around, it's a 50-50 chance just like anything else in life. You have to realize one thing.....communication. You want answers you have to ask her yourself.

[spiritofjosh]

Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily disagree with your advice at all, because you're right. And it's better to be told the truth than getting false hope as you mentioned. I totally agree. I do the same if anybody asks my advice. But as you said, asking her is the best way to find answers, but I want to avoid that until I got any opinions on her actions. I came here first and just wanted opinions but I get the whole nine yards on how I should be moving on...not from you specifically smackie. If I were like "wow my ex must be thinking about me and definitely wants me back to talk to one of my friends, I can't wait till she calls me!!" then please, let me have it. I didn't get into that because I really do know whats best for me at this point. And as I had stated previously, I've talked to other girls but we never "hit it off" for lack of better term. This is leading me to just stay single, because although I'm driving that so far I still miss my ex because nobody can take her place yet, doesn't mean I think she's the only one out there, time will tell.

As for communication; you're totally right. If I was sitting around waiting for her the lack of communication isn't getting anybody anywhere. I guess I just wanted to hear thoughts or past experiences that may have been similar. I guess I'll see where else this goes if anywhere.

[SelflessnHumble]

people on this site use ridicule as advice

Please cite an example of this passive/aggressive statement please, thanks.

She broke up with me because at the time I didn't have a job and was just living off unemployment being lazy

Being on unemployment is one thing.
Getting comfortable, and not proactively looking for a job is entirely another.
If she doesn't understand the difference: she's not a good person.
If she did see your laziness: you can't be upset with her for wanting a man to take initiative.

It's good of you to see your mistakes but consider this:

so please keep negative comments to yourself because I already know.
my attitude towards her was getting worse and worse. I have a temper problem

Unfortunately it is evident you are a defensive person and don't like it when you are told something
which is why you have to preface issues or omit them simply so you won't have to deal with them
from other members. You claim you want advice, but just as long as that advice isn't negative and
just as long as it is in agreement with your own perception.

she got sick of it. I don't agree really but in her defense it was probably hard to deal with somebody you love being so negative and bitter and not even looking for a job at that point

Not probably dude. No one wants to be with someone who has an anger management problem, who
(at the time) didn't get off their ass and take care of business. No one likes a dark cloud always raining on their
own happiness with negativity...She wanted out BUT (not an excuse) she couldn't just shut off the emotional
aspect of the relationship via kissing/holding hands and affection -but she sure as hell shut off the mental aspect.

But I have time invested with her, she was my first long term girlfriend and if some of you claim it's simple to break up and then forget they ever existed then bullshit, everybody's different.

This is your first huge mistake. She isn't a project in which you "invest" in. She's not a bank account where
you are depositing your self into her life. That's bullshit. When two people get together, they don't become "ONE"
-That's bullshit. You are you, she is herself and you combine to be a couple (2 different people who share)

When the other person fails to want to share with you herself and her life: The connection is severed.
You weren't blindsided by her dumping you. Your inaction/actions paved the road to a 404.
You failed to see the warning signs or simply ignored them. This is why you say it's BS that it's not easy to just
break up with someone you've invested all this effort and time with: IT IS, you just didn't take the appropriate steps
and allowed everything to "happen" instead of making IT happen for you. See?

I mainly asked because I'm wondering what to expect, if I'm going to be hearing from her. Once Nat told me she talked to her I didn't hop up and down wondering when she was gonna come waltzing through my door open arms. It's called curiosity to me, not desperation.

Deep down, if she approached you and told you she wanted you back: I suspect you'd take her back in a heartbeat.
If you're just wondering to expect: you didn't seem to state that until we had to pry into the situation...

What to expect: Her moving on, finding another guy or several to "date." Once in a while she may even
strike up a conversation with you. It is possible she is now talking to your friend because she wants a friendship with
you but wants to make sure you aren't "still" pining over her after the break up.

And if she ever were to try and ease her way back into my life and I come here asking for advice, I'll take the criticism on what to do more openly, right now it's off topic and I apologize for sounding so defensive. I just feel everybody thinks I'm taking the issue way too far before I actually am, but I do appreciate most of the advice I received.

In that case: I apologize for reading into what was not there.
I've been here before Josh, I lied to myself to play it cool even though on the inside I was dying to
say out loud how much I loved my ex -now, more than ever and that I'd do anything to take her back.
The beauty part of advice is that (1) we want to help you (2) you can opt not to take it!

The reason why you take our (at least my) responses as defensive is because that is how you are reading them.
They are not offensive posts from my end. They are based on truth and what I've experienced. No one is
on a high chair judging you -least of all me...Why? These are observations...nothing more. If it were up to me
I'd wish she realized what a difficult time being unemployed can be and how it can create a false sense of low self worth
and cause many people to feel bitter and angry...But she is who she is.

[spiritofjosh]

Please cite an example of this passive/aggressive statement please, thanks.

I didn't mean from anybody who replied to my thread, but I have seen people be a little more harsh than necessary..not even to me. I'll try and find an actual quote but I've read younger men/women wondering what went wrong and I've seen replies along the lines of "bro she dumped your ass because you weren't good enough, she's probably happier so go do something about it instead of crying on these forums." Like I said, nobody on this thread at least.

It was hard to type what I felt without sounding like I just want to hear good news. I can handle the truth because the way I see it if the truth hurts I'd rather deal with it sooner than later, hearing it sugar coated isn't going to change the truth further on. I try to be humble as well as modest, I don't ever think I'm above anybody or anybody's advice. This is why I mention that although things have gotten bitter, in my ex's defense she was right. This is also probably why I wasn't so heartbroken because I didn't blame her, which branches into why I'm asking about her intentions, not why we broke up.

But, if she were to come back I can honestly say it would be difficult to take her back so easily. I must admit if it really came down to it I'm sure it would be much different. But I have the mindset that if she could just hit the road so quickly, she could do it again. Either way I still have feelings for her because feelings is what I have invested, which I should have elaborated more clearly earlier. What I meant was a lot of people who give advice assume every relationship ended the same way with the same people, this is false and unrealistic. I feel a lot of people who give such advice definitely had a relationship end and leave them heartbroken, but forget that it wasn't so easy themselves. Possibly giving such advice because they wish they could do the same as the advice they gave, a way of masking their own feelings. Hypocrite comes to mind (again, nobody specifically, especially not on this thread, just a mere realization).

Again, I have a temper and I can be defensive but I also have very little problem admitting when I'm wrong. I knew I was wrong for being irresponsible but too little too late, I made my bed and now I sleep on it, tomorrows another day. If my ex really has intentions of eventually communicating with me through my friend than we can work on being friends first, if not life goes on.