I'm in love but she doesn't feel the same - should I dump her or keep her?

[johhnymac]

Earlier last year I was going through a separation and divorce while simultaneously starting a relationship with another woman. (Yes, I know - terrible timing, and I fully realize it was a mistake.) I'll call this woman "Tonya". Tonya and I hit it off wonderfully and began a romantic fling while I was technically still married. After a few weeks, she called it off because she didn't want to feel like she was becoming a mistress.

In the next few months we got back together twice and broke up, each time getting deeper and heavier into short relationships. While those were going on, Tonya seemed to be crazy about me while I was crazy about her. She and made both vague and concrete references about the future, and she seemed very sincere about being serious with me. She finally called things off for good because I could not give her 100% due to the divorce still going on. Unfortunately I took it really, REALLY hard because I had realized that I was falling head over heels in love with her. I was devastated.

Since then, I had to do a lot of healing to do. I went through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays alone and that was incredibly difficult. Eventually the whole divorce process wound down and ended, I had moved out and moved on and was starting to get comfortable in my new single life.

Meanwhile, Tonya and I started seeing one another again, this time very slowly and carefully with occasional dating. Things have been feeling good and comfortable with no rushing into things as quickly and heavily as before. In theory I want to give us all the time and space we need for a proper courtship and for a relationship to blossom.

The trouble is, after recently having a sort of "define the relationship" discussion, she has made it clear that she doesn't want any relationship with me or any other man right now or for the foreseeable future. All she wants is non-committal dating. Strange because during my divorce process (and when I was less available) she was all gung-ho about having something serious with me but now she's not.

Now I'm around this woman enough, and know enough about her work schedule, time with her kids, her friends, etc. to know that there most likely isn't another guy she's involved with, so Tonya's probably not playing me in that regard.

I'm still crazy in love with her. I can't seem to shake it. It hurts like a mild heartbreak that she doesn't want to have much to do with me outside of occasionally going out or hanging around at her house as friends.

I've never told her the full extent of my feelings towards her. I know she likes me, but I would be pretty accurate to say that she doesn't love me back.

What should I do? Should I tough it out for a few more months in hopes that Tonya might change her mind and begin to have deeper feelings for me? Should I tell her how I truly feel? Or should I cut things off now and work on trying to fall out of love with her, as difficult as that will be?

I've already tried dating a few other women, but I just can't get Tonya out of my mind and out of my heart. Please help!

[AlanaKurzinjek]

If she's not mature enough to make a commitment, it doesn't sound like a good idea. It's a waste to spend yourself loving someone when they've said they don't truly feel the same for you. If you stay with her I've got the feeling it'll be much more painful to break up with her after you've been together for even longer. Just let her go...she's had her chance and she's seen all of you, you're not changing. So it sounds like she's trying to just wait and see if something better might come along or she's not the committing type.

[SelflessnHumble]

She has made it clear that she doesn't want any relationship with me or any other man right now or for the foreseeable future. All she wants is non-committal dating. Strange because during my divorce process (and when I was less available) she was all gung-ho about having something serious with me but now she's not.

She fits the stereotype and common generalization of women:
They want what they can't have. Sociopaths do this as well.
See, now that they can "have" you they don't really want you.
So hitting it without strings attached is likely her M.O. You're the rule, not the exception here.

She's playing you alright.
She's jipping you out of what you want: a true, meaningful committed relationship.
She doesn't want to have to carry the burden/responsibility should she meet someone else.
So it's better to just bang you without the liability...

Well, since you are in love with her: you need to make a decision now that you have a factual point of view concerning her lack
of general respect, trust and love for you: Stay and continuously give more than you receive, OR be a man, assertive and walk.

Of course she doesn't love you back: and she doesn't have to...
You've allowed her to use sex as a hobby and for recreation instead of making a lasting connection between 2 people that love each other...Why does she have to give you a commitment NOW when you've given up the initiative to do so?

This solution is easier than you make it out to be:
You sit her down and you tell her (calmly and rationally) :
I have feelings for you, I want a committed relationship with you. Why do you not want to give the same to me?

Whatever her reasoning: be quiet, let her finish and hear her out: because she is telling you WHY.
Next, it's up to you what to do: be a sucker OR get what you want from a better woman who doesn't view sex as fun.

[johhnymac]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. It's amazing that someone can get caught up in emotions and not being able to see things clearly, so your help is appreciated.

SelflessnHumble, it's funny that I didn't elude to sex at all but you mention it. But you've hit the nail right on the head and are 100% correct. We do meet for sex at least once a week (in addition to the literal "dating").

Even though we just a DTR sit-down, I think another one is called for where I tell her my true feelings and give her the ultimatum that you suggested.

[SelflessnHumble]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. It's amazing that someone can get caught up in emotions and not being able to see things clearly, so your help is appreciated.

SelflessnHumble, it's funny that I didn't elude to sex at all but you mention it. But you've hit the nail right on the head and are 100% correct. We do meet for sex at least once a week (in addition to the literal "dating").

Even though we just a DTR sit-down, I think another one is called for where I tell her my true feelings and give her the ultimatum that you suggested.

Well, Johnnymac is a tell, but a Mack doesn't fall in love with a girl, either...
Anyway, it's not really an ultimatum...You want a relationship she is incapable of providing -period.
This is an issue that cannot be solved via compromise. It's not trivial.

A commitment=serious relationship.
Her view of a "relationship" is what prostitutes and whores do, except payment is pleasure, not money.