End of my rope...How do I break up with her... (Difficult, Long Read)

[Mofoman2k1]

Hey what's up everyone. New here. I want some un-bias truthful advice. I've asked friends and family, and danced around the subject with them, but I don't think I am getting an objective answers, nor do I think I will.

This has been a long time coming. I've been in this relationship for 2 years more or less. I haven't been happy in it for close to 18 months. I met this young lady through a friend of mine that I used to work with; that is a completely different story onto itself that I may get into another day.

Anyway, she's several years younger than me...some of our problems I attribute to our age difference. There's a gap, albeit not an extremely big enough gap that we grew in different generations or have different experiences growing up or anything. I'm 26 and she's 22.

Me, I've never been good with women, relationships, sharing my feelings, none of that stuff. This by far has been the longest serious relationship I have ever been in. I've tried to bare with our differences, but I don't think I can deal with them any longer; if for no other reason, I'm not happy in this relationship and I no longer have that same feeling I once had with her. I've tried to grit my teeth and bare with some of the BS, tried to understand, even when I didn't understand, I've simply shrugged some situations off in hopes that certain things will pass, but I can't any longer.

A little back story on my lady, I'mma about to get very personal. She was raped at a very young age, repeatedly over the course of several years. I know she hasn't completely dealt with it, hasn't talked to anyone for any significant time about it; not even me, and the person who did it was a family friend, and they are still walking around free to this day.

Before I got with my girl, she was the type to, let's say have anger management problems. She used to fight a lot, friends, family, her mother, who ever would piss her off, she would fight at the drop of a dime. Her emotions would be up and down constantly, she was even suicidal at one point. Much of this has calmed down before I even knew her, but I've seen glimmers of it return on occasion. She doesn't have many close friends as a result. She couldn't keep a job.

Enter our relationship. We met, and we clicked, she has a very warm and inviting personality. I was sprung more or less. I really wanted to help her out with her situation as I found out more about it; but at the same time I didn't want our relationship to move too fast, but because I tend to be a helpful person; not so much in words, but in my actions things progressed way faster than I would have liked.

I tried to help her find steady work, I introduced her to my friends and family, I tried to help her with general things to get her life in order, I even allowed her to move into my house when things with her mom looked like they would turn violent.

And, I do believe I did some good, she's gotten some things in order...but for the most part, since I've been with her I've watched her regress to a state that was worse than when I first got involved with her. She's still quit most of her jobs, I've watched her excommunicate a good portion of the friends she had; even alienate me from some of my own because she's threatened physical violence against some friends and neighbors, she borderline dropped out of school, and now she spends most of her days just sleeping and watching tv and eating. On occasion she has sparks like she really is gonna go out and get back on her grind but she does nothing most of the time. She relies on me and her step dad, who is really not around much his-self to somewhat finance and motivate her to do the things she needs to do.

What's more is, I'm not really right financially and dare I say, I'm not the right person to support her emotionally, at least not now. I'm a recent college grad, who is struggling to keep my lights on.

I find that I'm not even physically attracted to her. My nonchalance, has made her accuse me of sleeping around, repeatedly. I'm putting up a front. And that's where I've went wrong, I allow things to continue without addressing them or even acting like a problem exists.

I'd be willing to still be in her life, and support her and help her out with the things she needs, just no longer as her boyfriend. I know that such a scenario more than likely couldn't work with her.

I keep thinking if we took things slower, or if we tried again in a few years, maybe we could be more compatible, because we click mentally, just everything else isn't there...and I'm at the end of my rope.

[BeingAlpha]

Well you can't stay in the relationship because of guilt. She will definitely freak out because like everyone else in her life she is going to feel like you abandoned her; let her down etc.. BUT when you are breaking up with someone the last thing you should care about is their feelings...thats not to say be cold about it; but a break up is about YOU not about them. Breaking up with someone is just a sign that YOU don't have feelings for them anymore...and you can't ignore it. It doesn't matter that they are utterly completely in love with you, in lust, need you in their life etc.. -- you are not in love with her.

As far as staying in her life - I don't think its a good idea - noble but not a good idea. If she is living with you now, this is going to turn doubly hard and will likely (if her history repeats itself) turn violent. Not sure how you resolve that but have an officer of the law standby (not sure if they do that) when you ask her to leave wouldn't be a bad idea. You could also go the harsh route, pack her stuff into a duffel bag -- change the lock and then ask her in a public place to leave and hand her all her stuff -- but thats pretty harsh.

You are in a very tough situation, but the ending must be swift and final - don't talk about maybe in the future - it creates false hope for her to cling to.