Have I completely screwed up any Chance to be with him?

[myiond]

Please be patient its a very long one but all the details are needed to fully understand the story.

For the longest time I was in an unhappy relationship. Then I met this guy and we just hit it off. We used to work together and we become friends nothing more, we didn't date or anything like that. We became good friends and naturally we started to open to each other. My relationship was already on the rocks it wasn't as if when I met him then my relationship started to deteriorate. I am not the kind of a person who would do that no matter how bad things were or how unhappy I was.

I was very unhappy in my relationship then one day after a year and half I told him I wanted to leave because things were really bad and that is when he opened up to be about how he really felt for me. I didn't know what to think because he was a really good friend but then when I think about it he always stared at me.

After a while I realized I had started to liked him too and he didn't hide the fact that he wanted to be with me. He then started to ask me to leave but It was complicated and I just didn't feel like I had a good reason to. We both knew that the only way we could be together was if I left the other relationship. But part of the reason why I didn't leave sooner was because I didn't want it to be about him. Then one time he explicitly asked me if I was going to leave him. I told him that I would. He moved to another state and as always he continued to ask me.

So after a year (we would talk from time to time and he would still inquire about me) I started planing to move closer to where he lived (and leave that relationship) so that we could finally be together but I wanted to make it a surprise. So since it was a surprise I just told him I wanted to visit and he seemed really excited so I jokingly asked if his status had changed and to my surprise he said it had but then he said I could still visit then I said I would not. At which point I said so you have found someone then he said no there are no guarantees in relationships.

So we didn't talk for a while as you can imagine then the next time we talked he said he wanted to come but I was still upset with him so I didn't react or anything then we didn't talk for a while yet again. The next time he was still inquiring and I had not left then either at which point he told me he was moving in with his girl friend. I tried to be a friend and wished him the best but its hard to be friends with someone you are in-love with.

So the unhappy relationship took for the worst and I now finally left. Then maybe 6 months after he had told me about the move in and after ending my relationship, I told him and he got really excited and told me that he would be coming to visit me as soon as I got my apartment ready (living with a friend right now). I was so excited and I said yes. He said as soon as I move into my own place I should tell him and he will buy a ticket to come and visit.

The problem is. I am in-love with him like he was all that time he waited for me but I don't want to be the girl on the side and I really don't see the point in him coming if he is still with the other girl. I know I am not entirely innocent in this situation and yes I know I waited way too long to leave to be with him but even if it has taken this long I am now more than ever strongly in love with him.

Since the time I told him that I had left, the GF has not come up in any of the topics. So should I bring up the girl friend? I guess I just don't. I am just confused why he wants to come if he has found someone else because I am not ready to be just friends. I mean I don't mind talking to him from time to time but seeing him in person is another thing. Am I too late, should I just forget about him and move on? Is is a hopeless cause? So hopelessly in love and don't know what to do. Help
PS cheating is out of the question.

[xxazurexx]

Since the time I told him that I had left, the GF has not come up in any of the topics. So should I bring up the girl friend? I guess I just don't. I am just confused why he wants to come if he has found someone else because I am not ready to be just friends. I mean I don't mind talking to him from time to time but seeing him in person is another thing. Am I too late, should I just forget about him and move on? Is is a hopeless cause? So hopelessly in love and don't know what to do. Help
PS cheating is out of the question.

Course you should ask about his relationship status, etc. He will be forming the impression that you are willing to be his 'piece on the side' and if you are aware he has a gf, yet still invite him to your place.

And him coming to your place is asking for trouble IMO and because you might find yourself tempted and to cave ....and become the other woman.

What I would do, is to tell this guy that you DON'T think it is a good idea and that he visits you and while he has a gf.

If he feels for you, what you are feeling him, he will end his current relationship IMO.

Oh...and if you offer a man 'cake', he will sometimes take it....girlfriend or not.

[myiond]

I understand what you are saying but the thing is we wanted to be together and so i just assumed that when he said he wanted to come he knew that it is to be together. Coz when i said "looks like you have found the one he said no there are no guarantees in relationships." Meaning that the relationship is not that serious or am I wrong. anyway I will talk to him about it. maybe since I wasn't doing anything about leaving he decided to be with someone who was willing to be with him than continuing to hope that one day things will work for us. Then the not so serious relationship turned into a serious one esp now that they have even moved in together. IN which case I dont see the point in his coming.

[florintine]

i think you may well have screwed up your chances with him. he kept asking you to leave, he wanted you so desperately but you would not leave what you yourself call an unhappy relationship. you also have to think about this girl, he started dating her while he was waiting for you, maybe she showed him that she is worth going the distance with. i think its too late and his coming to make sure he made the right choice with her. he will compare you 2 then after he leaves you will probably never hear from him again. which is why you have to be careful about what you do with him when he comes( dont do anything you will later regret). Good Luck

[xxazurexx]

I understand what you are saying but the thing is we wanted to be together and so i just assumed that when he said he wanted to come he knew that it is to be together.

So he plans to be together with you and without explaining anything to his girlfriend?

Coz when i said "looks like you have found the one he said no there are no guarantees in relationships." Meaning that the relationship is not that serious or am I wrong.

There are no guarantees in relationships, he is correct. And what that quote actually means is, 'a relationship might last and it might not'.....and that applies to any relationship, whether it is serious or not. Rather than give you a 'straight' answer, he chose to talk in riddles.

anyway I will talk to him about it. maybe since I wasn't doing anything about leaving he decided to be with someone who was willing to be with him than continuing to hope that one day things will work for us. Then the not so serious relationship turned into a serious one esp now that they have even moved in together. IN which case I dont see the point in his coming.

What? So he's actually living with her??? Sounds like it may be pretty serious to me and if he's actually living with her!!

I kinda agree with some of what Florintine says, in that if you do allow him to visit you, he is going to come away comparing you two. He's either going to choose you, or he's going to remain with her.

That is why you don't get tempted to sleep with him. If you sleep with him...you may blow your chance to be with him. If he can turn you into his 'other woman', which he might try to do, he will remain with her!!!

[SelflessnHumble]

Right off the bat: he liked you while you were in a relationship. Can you see the possibility of him doing the same thing to you down the line? I can. 2nd, you unintentionally strung him along by telling him you'd eventually dump the other guy...
and even told this guy (prior to dumping the other ex) "I wanted to leave because things were really bad."

-----------------------------Which is when he told you how he felt: he liked you...Make sense?--------------------------------------------------

How long was he supposed to wait? Until you felt the break up wasn't about him? When? See?

You then became irrationally upset with his rightful decision to be with someone else
AND even more obvious: he wasn't willing to wait for you while you closed up shop with your ex...
I don't see love here: just infatuation/obsession.

Here it is: "Then maybe 6 months after he had told me about the move in and after ending my relationship, I told him and he got really excited and told me that he would be coming to visit me as soon as I got my apartment ready (living with a friend right now). I was so excited and I said yes. He said as soon as I move into my own place I should tell him and he will buy a ticket to come and visit."

At that very moment: YOU should have made it clear:
-was he still with that girl???

If yes: then zero chance of getting together PERIOD.
If no: this is a different matter and precludes you from feeling like the side dish...

[florintine]

I think both your hearts where in the right place though. Honestly I don't think just because he liked you when you were with someone else makes him a cheater. The fact was that he hid his feelings and never said anything well not until you (Myiond) told him about how unhappy your relationship was, that is what made him think he had a chance to be with you. I think the honest truth is you were torn to leave and be with him a guy you didnt know very well in another town or stay with the guy were unhappy with. I see girls do this all the time. The problem is you waited to long and he started to doubt you would ever leave. Maybe when it started he really didnt have feelings for her but sometimes it has been said that the longer you are with some the more you get to know them and sometimes the more you start to like them.
Yes when he said that he wanted to come, that would have been the right time for you to ask him about her. If its hard for you to ask about her the next time he talked about coming. make sure you invite her as well judging from his reaction you will know his true intentions. If he is not afraid to bring her along then he is clearly in love with her but if he acts surprised like, come with her then you will know. One thing to remember you know about her, she probably doesn't. doesnt that tell you about the person he really cares about?

[myiond]

Thanks for taking your time to read my question. Yes it is true that they moved in together. You know how it is sometimes when you feel strongly about something you just want it to be how you feel. You are right though I should have asked him right there but it wasn't a moment of clarity. It was a moment in time were i heard what i had for so long wanted to hear. However, the fact remains, he is not coming if he is with her.

I guess I just didn't understand why he would get that excited. To me it didn't seem like he wanted something on the side , it seemed like now here is what I have been waiting for all this time but I understand where you guys are coming from(it does make sense after-all he is a man). Anyway since I don't know what was going on in his heard, I will talk to him and hopefully I will have some answers.

[myiond]

There are no guarantees in relationships, he is correct. And what that quote actually means is, 'a relationship might last and it might not'.....and that applies to any relationship, whether it is serious or not. Rather than give you a 'straight' answer, he chose to talk in riddles.

See now you are thinking clearly because all I heard was him trying to reassure me. Maybe it was in the contexts he said it in, I don't know. This is the context: Yes my status has changed but you can still come. Then I said I would rather not. Then he said no, there are no guarantees in relationships, it would really be nice to have you here. To which I said that's Ok but I would not. After that the next time I talked to him he told me he was looking for flights to come and see me but then I was still with you know. So that is what made me think that he wasn't serious about her but because I hadn't left, I figured it was not in my right to ask him.

[doppelgaenger]

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[HeartIsAching]

Course you should ask about his relationship status, etc. He will be forming the impression that you are willing to be his 'piece on the side' and if you are aware he has a gf, yet still invite him to your place.

And him coming to your place is asking for trouble IMO and because you might find yourself tempted and to cave ....and become the other woman.

What I would do, is to tell this guy that you DON'T think it is a good idea and that he visits you and while he has a gf.

If he feels for you, what you are feeling him, he will end his current relationship IMO.

Oh...and if you offer a man 'cake', he will sometimes take it....girlfriend or not.

Completely spot on.

[xxazurexx]

See now you are thinking clearly because all I heard was him trying to reassure me. Maybe it was in the contexts he said it in, I don't know. This is the context: Yes my status has changed but you can still come. Then I said I would rather not. Then he said no, there are no guarantees in relationships, it would really be nice to have you here. To which I said that's Ok but I would not. After that the next time I talked to him he told me he was looking for flights to come and see me but then I was still with you know. So that is what made me think that he wasn't serious about her but because I hadn't left, I figured it was not in my right to ask him.

I can see what you mean. He's not committing, but giving you 'hope'. He's making you think, that one day there may be a chance you two will be together....While you live in the hope he gives you that one day you two will be together, it keeps you hanging on in there and waiting around for him.

Some men will put this kinda shit and when they don't particularly want a relationship with a woman, but they still want to keep her around in the picture and usually just for the sex. They never commit but instead make a woman think he wants a relationship - this keeps her hanging on and awaiting a relationship. ..and he continues to enjoy the sex on tap she provides.

Now I'm not saying that this is the case here - but I'd be careful. Like I keep saying, DON'T allow him to turn you into his 'other woman'....

[myiond]

Thanks and I will keep you posted but like I said I would talk to him about it and if they are still together, I will encourage him to focus on her. He is in another town and has a life there and that is what he needs to be focusing on. Thanks everyone