I'm getting desperate..

[Darkfire]

Let me fill you in on the main details first..
I'm a 17 year old guy and my girlfriend is 14, yes there's a noticeable age difference but she's very mature for her age and at heart we're the same and that's what matters in my opinion. We've been together for quite a while now and are very serious about staying together and making our relationship last as if such a thing as a soulmate exists, she's it.

So the problem we have is her mother.. Her mother seems to hate me for no good reason. During our whole time together, I've only seen her mother 3 times briefly and that was at the beginning of our time together. During those times she made no effort to talk to me. I have been nothing but polite and respectful to both her and her daughter and yet she seems to have a bad idea of me.

Now, my girlfriend isn't allowed to meet up with me and I'm not allowed to go and see her either. We have to meet behind her mothers back.. I've suggested to my girlfriend about going and trying talk to her mother properly so she could see I'm not a bad guy but my girlfriend thinks her mum would possibly HIT me. I've been told stories of how she hits her daughter, cusses her out.. Drinks & takes drugs. Her mother needs help but nobody will make her realise it.. And it's slowly hurting our relationship as we can hardly see eachother.

Please, if anybody can offer some advice.. I would be very thankful, I don't want to lose this girl.

[xxazurexx]

I hope you realise that you could be arrested and being with a girl so young, especially if you two have had sex. The legal age for sex is 16.

I'm thinking that her mother doesn't hate you at all, she probably just doesn't like the fact that her 14 year old daughter is seeing a 17 year old guy and as a mother myself, I can see why the mother wouldn't be happy with it. You are too old for her....she's just a kid.

If it's true in regard to what you say about her mother though, she's a druggie and an alcoholic who abuses her daughter, then she needs reporting to the authorities. There are numbers that children can call and if they are experiencing a 'hellish' time at home. What option is this girl left with and if her mother refuses to get help?

[SelflessnHumble]

Let me fill you in on some life experiences: first how long have you two been dating? (what denotes) "Quite a while" to you?
2nd, I dated a VERY mature 14year old (met her Sept my senior year at HS) she just turned 14 in August...She is serving a possible paroled
life sentence for attempted murder and possession of a biological weapon...We looked like the story book couple! We were soul mates if I ever knew it.

Her mother hates you for good reason: SHE'S 14 and she's dating an older guy.
Naturally a respectful young man SHOULD approach the mother, and meet her, look her in the eye and make sure SHE was good with
me seeing her underage daughter. This <--------Is what I did and I received permission. She didn't need to make an effort, you should have, make sense Mr. Man?

So, now you are doing what most every generation does: deceiving your parents (in this case hers) in order to see each other. -Not cool.
-Now you've been told your GF has been physically and verbally abused...Not good.

What you need to do:
Go to her mother ON YOUR OWN TIME!!!
Since you like sneaking around, sneak around your GF's back and confront her mother.
Don't interrupt, look her in the eye with humility respect but also with assertiveness.

Have you had sex with her daughter? Even worse if so because you have to omit this due to your disposition.

You need to convey (and mean it, she'll know) that you're intentions are to love, care for and support her daughter.
Then tell her your values, ethics, morals, volunteer work, ANYTHING that exemplifies your character.
She will know if you are FOS because mother's "know."

I've had this issue repeatedly throughout my life no matter the age difference or similarities...
having been with girls who had overprotective parent(s) sucks...BUT you have to respect this.
She isn't yours, she's someone's child...

You have to be willing to be patient AND/or talk it out with her family OR respect the decision.

[Darkfire]

@ xxazurexx
Yes, I do realise about the legality thing. I wouldn't dream of doing anything that would really have a bad effect. I really do love this girl with all of my heart and it's a shame she isn't a couple years older but we don't see this as much of a problem. She herself, is perfectly mature for her age despite being "just a kid". Wasn't going to include it for that reason but thought it was an important piece of info.

I see what you're saying with regard to reporting.. But I certainly wouldn't want to do it, possibly leaving her without a mother & a father, I'm thinking she would truly hate me for it. And I'm quite sure she wouldn't do it herself for the same reason..

[xxazurexx]

I see what you're saying with regard to reporting.. But I certainly wouldn't want to do it, possibly leaving her without a mother & a father, I'm thinking she would truly hate me for it. And I'm quite sure she wouldn't do it herself for the same reason..

I can understand why she wouldn't want to report her mum and I can understand why you wouldn't either - of course you don't want to see her lose her mum. What that means though, is that her mothers abuse of illegal substances and her daughter, will continue...and you might end up sorely regretting one day, not having taken any action. What if her mother really harms your gf, ends up causing her some serious damage and she ends up hospitalised? Sometimes you have to be cruel and to be kind.

Does your gf have no relatives nearby who you can talk to? Another member of the family who would go and talk to her mother?

Where is your gf's father in all of this?

[doppelgaenger]

I was in a similar predicament when I was your age.

Don't buy into that soulmate crap. Don't idolize your relationship for more than it's worth. Because if you read the same post a few years from now, when you're in college doing whatever it is you'd be doing, you'll laugh at yourself and feel a little bit of regret. I've been here for years, and I get a good laugh at myself whenever other members share my old posts with me.

Anyway, here's the advice that you probably won't want to read: your relationship is slowly dying and you're well aware of it. If her mother resents you now, you can never expect her to give you a chance with her daughter. Your relationship will eventually end, and spending more time with your gf means you're simultaneously allowing yourself to become more attached to her and you're setting yourself up for misery. You should nip it in the bud and break up with her now and save yourself the trouble for when the time will come. Yes, easier said than done, really difficult, but it is something you cannot avoid, even if you do happen to convince yourself that she is somehow connected to your soul in another dimension. Take my word for it. You're young - don't center your life around one girl or romance!

[Darkfire]

@ SelflessnHumble

Thank you sir, your brutal, yet constructive honesty is what I definitely was needing to see.
I think I'm going to have to take on board what you suggested and try to convey my true feelings to her mother so she can give a proper answer, after knowing how things are... As that seems like my only real option to save this. As I mentioned, I'm only concerned about this because of her nature.

[Darkfire]

Does your gf have no relatives nearby who you can talk to? Another member of the family who would go and talk to her mother?

Where is your gf's father in all of this?

Yes she does, but she has had chats with her grandmother before and it has not really done anything to help.
Her father is currently serving time in jail, and whenever he is on the outside, he never wants anything to do with her. And honestly, based on what I've been told, that is for the best.

[SelflessnHumble]

@ SelflessnHumble

Thank you sir, your brutal, yet constructive honesty is what I definitely was needing to see.
I think I'm going to have to take on board what you suggested and try to convey my true feelings to her mother so she can give a proper answer, after knowing how things are... As that seems like my only real option to save this. As I mentioned, I'm only concerned about this because of her nature.

It is a risk you must be willing to take for the ones you love!
If I were in your predicament and at that age I'd have challenged the mother.
If she wasn't willing to listen to my concerns, and my true feelings for her daughter I'd remind her
that you were recently made aware of her physical and verbal abuse against her daughter...and that since you care deeply for her daughter you
won't tolerate this sort of behavior...and if she didn't have a problem with it I'm sure the child development/proper authorities WOULD.

I was brazen at 17, now I see the value of respect BUT in the end: it's her child (unfortunately)

[xxazurexx]

@ SelflessnHumble

Thank you sir, your brutal, yet constructive honesty is what I definitely was needing to see.
I think I'm going to have to take on board what you suggested and try to convey my true feelings to her mother so she can give a proper answer, after knowing how things are... As that seems like my only real option to save this. As I mentioned, I'm only concerned about this because of her nature.

I'd be more concerned about the abuse your gf recieves, rather than be looking for acceptance from the mother....

If it's true what you say about her....she's a fcking nutcase anyway who wants help and if Social Services were aware of this parent, your gf would be banged on a Child Protection Order.

[xxazurexx]

Sorry, but I just hate abuse of any kind.....particularly where it concerns children.

[xxazurexx]

Yes she does, but she has had chats with her grandmother before and it has not really done anything to help.
Her father is currently serving time in jail, and whenever he is on the outside, he never wants anything to do with her. And honestly, based on what I've been told, that is for the best.

Crikey, sounds a right dysfunctional family ...

Shame she wasn't older and you could both just get the hell out of there.

[doppelgaenger]

I'm willing to bet that her mother doesn't do all those things and his GF is making it up. Or she is exaggerating and victimizing herself. The only thing we know for sure is that her mother doesn't approve of the relationship and she does not like the OP. That sounds kind of reasonable to me - many parents don't approve of their kids dating until they are older.

[Darkfire]

Sorry, but I just hate abuse of any kind.....particularly where it concerns children.

Perfectly understandable, I am actually very concerned about it.. I just don't want to make things worse for her. I've mentioned possibly getting her reported before but the idea was turned down. And I don't want to go behind her back on something like that unless it gets to a point where I can see she can't deal with it anymore.

You've all given me alot to think about that I was ignoring to start with, thank you.

[xxazurexx]

Perfectly understandable, I am actually very concerned about it.. I just don't want to make things worse for her. I've mentioned possibly getting her reported before but the idea was turned down. And I don't want to go behind her back on something like that unless it gets to a point where I can see she can't deal with it anymore.

You've all given me alot to think about that I was ignoring to start with, thank you.

If you reported her mother, your gf wouldn't have to know. Just don't leave your name and when you report her. Say that you are a concerned neighbour.

What would actually happen and if you did report her, is that someone from the authorities would visit their home. They would tell the mother that they had received a call from someone, who was concerned for their daughter. They wouldn't just whisk your gf away....so don't worry about that. What they would do, is to hear what the mother had to say about this complaint and they may also want to speak to the daughter. If they were satisfied that things are ok, they would leave and that would be it. I'm thinking that a visit from the Social Services may be enough and to shake her mother up and she may, just may, start thinking about the error of her ways.