I have just ruined everything, don't know how I can recover it from here!

[HillBow]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for the past 10 -11 months. I am 34 and he is 35. We both have no kids.

He lives on a farm about 2.5 hours away from me. On my free weekends I travel up there to see him on a Friday night after work and come home Sunday nights. Keep in mind he has never been to see me in my town yet, he has never met any of my friends and have met my immediate family once. I know all of his friends and get along with them very well.

When I go up there we always work on his farm. I go up there to see him not work on his property, but lately I feel like an employee not a girlfriend. When we do work, half the time it is not together, he is usually doing one job and I'm doing another. I don't mind if I get asked but it is just expected of my these days.

We were having a conversation the other day and I asked if he loved me. He said I like you alot but I don't love you (he was drunk at the time though). Maybe he is scared to love someone as he was hurt before. I understood that but I feel after 11 months if you don't love someone, it generally isn't a good sign.

I contacted him after a few days and we resolved the issue but I had to agree to some of his terms. I love him but I can't stand this behaviour as this isn't the first time this has happened, this occurred about 2 months ago but ither, I must admit I whinge about doing work but it is only coz I work hard during the week and working all weekend is not my idea of fun. I want to spend time with him.

When he is stressed out he is very rude and abrupt on the phone. I have brought this up with him nicely but he said as he is close to me, he feels he cant vent but I don't want to hear that. I should be the last person that hears all that sort of stuf.

The last 3 weeks he has been really distant, not returning my calls so I let him go for a while until I went up there last weekend and talked. We agreed that we will lie low for a while, have a break but still remain friends and then in a few months see how things go as he keeps telling me how busy he is with his farm, I thought this would give him the time he needs to get things done without having to worry about us.

Well I contacted him tonight as I need to send something to him and I need his postal details and he was drunk as he just came home from a party so I tried to keep it short. He asked me if I was visiting him this week as we are both on holidays but I said no as we are on a break so he got annoyed with me. He then told me he was getting ready for bed and that a girl is coming over, she isn't there yet but she will be soon, well we have broken up haven't we. I said to him - wow you move quick, it has just been a week and you already have someone in bed with you. He then yelled again down the phone at me saying that is not what he said that I misinterrupted him and he never wants to speak to me again then hung up on me.

I am at a loss at what to do. Part of me just wants to go up there patch things up and move on and the other part is absolutely torn, I am not treated nicely but yet I have feelings for this guy which I don't understand. Someone like this doesn't bring out the best in someone so I would imagine he has told his mates what I'm like so I look like a pscyo. What do I do when I love this guy?

I am a bigger girl so I keep thinking maybe if I was slimmer, would I care less what this guys says to me or is this whole scenario about my own self confidence.

[mishful]

Ohhhh darling!!! You sooo dont deserve to be treated like that, no matter what shape or size or age or race or anything you might be! No one deserves to be treated like that by the person they love. This man sounds incredibly selfish and you (at least from your side of the story) seem generous and sweet, you definitely deserve someone who treats you better. I would take the few months and rather than let him get on with things and still pine after him, you should just go out and have fun with your weekends, try to get over him and if he comes running back with a change of heart (and attitude!!) then you can look on your relationship prospects in a clearer light.
All the best darling, but just remember you deserve to be treated like a queen not an employee!

[vashti]

Are you sure you love him? Because he doesn't sound very lovable. Maybe you are just willing to settle out of fear of being alone?

[smackie9]

It has nothing to do with your looks, rather your choice of BFs. We all know love can be blind and we do fall in love with someone that is truly not good for us. The love keeps us hoping they will finally see the light and become the wonderful partner that we always wanted.....but it's wrong. This is a relationship that has been going nowhere for quite sometime. A relationship has to have respect, compatibility, compromise, able to make sacrifices, unconditional love, compassion, and full involvement. All you were was a booty call that helped him with his chores. Once you finally, after 11 months, called him out on it, he got pissed because he got busted and the gravy train ran dry. He took one last effort to manipulate you and guilt you into coming back by threatening to have a girl come over and have sex. That is pathetic to say the least. This is not by any means a real relationship. The other poster Vashi is right.....it sounds like you take what you can get for fear of being alone. Also you sound very insecure because of your weight. There are men out there that love a voluptuous woman with curves. I know we are bombarded with media of super hot models with perfect bodies and flawless skin. But I know tho that most men like a woman that is natural, and confident in herself. So maybe you need to work on your self confidence, love yourself more, and feel good about who you are and the way you look. That right there attracts a good man.

[HeartIsAching]

It has nothing to do with your looks, rather your choice of BFs. We all know love can be blind and we do fall in love with someone that is truly not good for us. The love keeps us hoping they will finally see the light and become the wonderful partner that we always wanted.....but it's wrong. This is a relationship that has been going nowhere for quite sometime. A relationship has to have respect, compatibility, compromise, able to make sacrifices, unconditional love, compassion, and full involvement. All you were was a booty call that helped him with his chores. Once you finally, after 11 months, called him out on it, he got pissed because he got busted and the gravy train ran dry. He took one last effort to manipulate you and guilt you into coming back by threatening to have a girl come over and have sex. That is pathetic to say the least. This is not by any means a real relationship. The other poster Vashi is right.....it sounds like you take what you can get for fear of being alone. Also you sound very insecure because of your weight. There are men out there that love a voluptuous woman with curves. I know we are bombarded with media of super hot models with perfect bodies and flawless skin. But I know tho that most men like a woman that is natural, and confident in herself. So maybe you need to work on your self confidence, love yourself more, and feel good about who you are and the way you look. That right there attracts a good man.

+1 Bizillion.

Oh, and I AM one of those guys that prefers curves. We're out there!

[Starry Night]

Girl, you sound like you are settling. And you didn't ruin anything, you wanted clarification on the state of the relationship and he pretty much proved to you that he's not relationship material. In my opinion, it sounds like he takes you for granted, you are just an option until something better comes along. And trust me, he won't find any better if this is how he treats a significant other. It doesn't even sound like you guys go on dates, your dates consist of being his farm hand- he sounds selfish. He hasn't even come to visit you in your town, it sounds very one sided. And the manipulation? Threatening to have a girl over? This guy is a piece of work. Honey, you will find someone better, someone that respects you and can provide some give & take in a relationship.

[SelflessnHumble]

Red flag #1: He makes zero effort to see you: and how convenient YOU make all the effort for him??? -Big Mistake-
Red flag #2: He has his world already made...and you CATER to that world, not just by driving all the way up to his farm...but to actually help with the chores!!!

He doesn't love you...so you need to respect that...It's selfish of you to expect him to say he does when he does not. Appreciation doesn't = love.
He takes out his frustrations out on you: THIS isn't LOVE. Nor how to build a foundation on love!!!

Ask yourself this question: Did you have sex with him? If so, when? K... Now ask yourself what man in their right mind would tell you they love you when:

A-you make all the effort to drive to see him
B-he has an employee who loves HIM but doesn't get paid...and
C-you've given him everything on a silver platter...He doesn't feel ANY incentive, nor motivation to give anything else other than what you've been receiving, see?

Last point: He had the expectation to bang you: without a resolute commitment -without loving you...Since you had allowed this unpaid whore scenario to perpetuate
indefinitely of course he didn't like that!!! So, he either told you the truth, or made up a lie: the intent was there in either case: TO HURT YOU...

Why: Because he is a selfish, piece of shit coward who has no issue in saying he loves your vagina, just as long as he doesn't have to say he loves "YOU" get it?
Hello: Your feelings are not met with reciprocity! The only feelings he has for you is when he ejaculates...nothing more: and it's partly your fault for allowing this...

Your weight wasn't an issue when you two were seeing each other for 11 months, so don't make excuses for yourself, nor him, k?
If you are happy with your weight? Great.
If you aren't happy with it: what are YOU doing to change this?

Life is all about being accountable for YOUR actions, not this douche bag's own personal issues.
He wasn't able to take responsibility for what he has done, and not done for you...he's a coward.

You've been given the truth, what will you choose to do with it?

[ashley89]

When he is stressed out he is very rude and abrupt on the phone. I have brought this up with him nicely but he said as he is close to me, he feels he cant vent but I don't want to hear that. I should be the last person that hears all that sort of stuf.

my ex used to pull this crap on me too. he'd be tired or stressed out or had a bad day, so then he'd act really mean and rude to me. then when I would bring it to his attention, he would try to use the excuse that he was so close with me and loved me that he felt he could take it out on me and that "when people get mad they take it out on the ones closest to them." the sad part is I actually believed it and let it happen, but eventually I started to think... this isn't right. don't let him do that to you! it's not cool at all

[SelflessnHumble]

my ex used to pull this crap on me too. he'd be tired or stressed out or had a bad day, so then he'd act really mean and rude to me. then when I would bring it to his attention, he would try to use the excuse that he was so close with me and loved me that he felt he could take it out on me and that "when people get mad they take it out on the ones closest to them." the sad part is I actually believed it and let it happen, but eventually I started to think... this isn't right. don't let him do that to you! it's not cool at all

Exactly, it is called abuse: verbal abuse not to mention his true colors in how he treats people.
He has an issue with anger and takes it out on the people who've been nothing but supportive...Not worth it.