What does he want? (It is quite long, so appologies in advance)

[goody2shoes]

Hi there.


I have been confused for so long, I am in desperate need of advice. It goes way back and it is pretty complicated so if I missed any information, please let me know. And thank you for reading this through.


There is a guy I quite like (will refer to him as A), and sometimes I think he might like me too but I really don't know what he is thinking or want.


I first met A when I was a teenager, and I had a biggest crush on him. But he was a year older than me so we never really spoke but we used to get a lift together to school once a week through a friend's mum. ( He lived nearby my friend but he is not close to her)


He was going off to uni, so thinking I would probably never see him again, I asked for his email address.


We swapped few emails but just kept going on and off, and it got worse once I started uni myself.


Few years passed and I thought I was over A, as I hadn't spoken to him in years. In fact I had a boyfriend at that point, which I was happy about. Something came up and we ended up speaking on msn and found out we were only 30mins train journey from each other. We met up once or twice in 2 years or so, just to see how we were doing. It was clear it wasn't a date as we only saw each other for couple of hours, no flirting and actually talking about each other's partners. I did feel a little fuzzy then but I assumed it was something to do with me used to having a crush on him.


Anyway, the time passed even longer, and we hardly spoke again. We finished uni and got into full-time jobs. Just before I graduated, A was feeling down a lot of the time as he was deeply in love with a girl who wasn't interested in him. I used to try and cheer him up as he seemed pretty fragile. He spoke to me about her, as I was the only one around him who was not in his social group.


When we both settled down with our own lives, and many of our uni friends went home or moved away, I felt that we talked more than we ever did.


We never really met up still, as I was in a serious relationship (Will refer to him as B). If it happened it was once or twice a year, if that. When we did meet up, B knew and he was welcome to join even though he never did. We trusted each other deeply that friendship between opposite sex didn't bother us.

B was my longest boyfriend, we work together and live together. People around us including his and my family assumed we were going to get married.


However, around mid-last year, things started go wrong slowly. B was always easily influenced by other people but I tried ignore it as people around us were pretty nice. He was offered promotion which meant that he started hanging out with different people in our jobs. He began adapting their personality, the way they spoke and their taste in music etc. He began mistreating me by calling me names like I am pathetic, ugly and boring. Because he was the closest person to me, I took in everything he said about me as a fact. We did not have any romantic connections, not even hugs or holding hands.


As this progressed, I spoke more and more with A. He knew I was the sort of the person who would pretend that everything is ok even when it isn't. So he would try and cheer me up in a subtle manner by sending texts and picture messages that might make me smile etc etc.


This went on for months.


One day, both A and I happen to go back to our parent's house so he suggested we meet up at our home town before we went our own way.


Now I have thought about it, I felt that this was the first time A treated me differently to before. Or so it seems but my perception could be deluded by this point as my heart was pumping so fast and loud, I felt like a 16 year-old girl with a crush again. He offered to pay for things and we took a walk by a lake. Someone actually thought we were a couple. When it came to an end, he gave me a quick hug which he never did before. I didn't think anything at the time because I thought he was being a good friend especially as I was going through hell.
He told me whatever I decide to do with A, he will be there for me.


After we separated, I saw my best friend and told her everything. About A and B. She was genuinely shocked as B and I acted as there was nothing wrong to the outside world. Talking to her helped me to finally decide what I need to do. Not for A but for myself.


While I was at home, A told me he couldn't get any signal at his parent's house but he sent me an email just to let me know. He emailed me everyday for rest of the week.


Finally when I got back to my own house, I sat down with B and told him I wanted to break up. We have been fighting over breaking up so it wasn't a surprise to neither of us. However, because of complications in our finance, situations and lots of other stuff, we had to decide to carry on living together as housemates until our contract run out.
I am still currently living with B. We get on ok as housemates and we both seem happier with ourselves but there is absolutely no signs of us getting back together, nor I want to.


A knows all of this, and he knows everything I went through as to why I couldn't just ended with him sooner. A agreed that living with B as housemates is prob the best option if finding/financing a new place was why I couldn't break up with him before.


Since I officially became single, A and I have been texting every day. At first, I thought it was a bit weird so I took a step back but if I didn't text him, he would. Normally silly things like "how are you today?"
He has told me he likes us texting, and prefers it more than us chatting on facebook.


We met up once after all this, and I don't know if it is because I feel differently about him, but I felt that he treated me completely differently to ever before. He insisted on paying everything and wouldn't take no for an answer. He would open doors for me and make sure I am okay in a crowded place. The thing is, all my ex's have never done these things for me, so I don't know if that's normal within friends.


When I was going home, I tried to give him a quick hug, and he pulled me in and held me for longer. Later on, he told me he liked the hug. He also complimented on my appearance which he never did before.
He stated that he likes a girl with a weird name (I happen to have a really weird name) or when I mentioned how all the guys fall for my best friend, he told me "She is not the one I want to talk to everyday, spend time with or give hugs to."


I obviously felt like he was talking about me but as I mentioned over and over, I don't know if I am interpreting in the way I want it to be.


I haven't seen him since.


If you read up to here, I am sure you are all thinking, "what is the problem then?"


Here are the problems.


He plays hot and cold. He sometimes flirts with me but sometimes he is really cold. He says he doesn't like anyone at the moment (he misunderstood my question and thought I was asking if he liked anyone) and he always sends me a list of famous women who he thinks are hot. And they are NOTHING like me.


Also all his ex and the girls he liked in the past are similar, and again, they are nothing like me. I am quite short and people always says I'm the "sweet innocent girl" but the girls he seems to like are tall, skinny, sexy and cool. (This is a weird example but for people who have seen Scott Pilgrim, he always likes girls like Ramona and I am more like Knives)


He stops texting when it comes to something he doesn't want to answer. I am okay with that, but the problem is, he suggest something like "I want to come down and visit you because you came to me last time" or "Why don't you come over mine and watch dvd sometime? Pick a date" but when I tell him, he just doesn't reply until the next day. He then won't mention it again. He finally decided to come and visit next week or so if I have the weekend off but why ask if you don't want to? When this happen, I feel as though I asked him and he is politely turning the offer down.


I have never met any of his friends, and he has never met mine. So for all I know, this could be how he treats all his friends.


The final problem is, I just came out of this one long serious relationship, and I still live with B. I am pretty sure I am not ready for another one until at least I move out.


I feel slightly like a whore ( I am sorry about the language but I can't think of another word) for feeling this way about someone else so soon after the break up, and I am not even sure if I like A or I like the attention. But I can't stop thinking about him, and wanting to see him.


Even if I did like A, I really don't know what he wants? I researched and read so many "signs he likes you" but none of them seem to apply to what A and I have. If I purely went by these articles, I would probably say he doesn't like me that way.


I feel that maybe he likes the attention he gets from me, and the fact that he doesn't have to impress me, as we have known each other for so long. He does often mention how amazing it is that we have been friends for almost 10 years. Maybe I am a convenience?


I have always been with people I find myself comfortable with, so none of this fuzzy feelings and wondering what he is doing. Hence I thought I was unromantic and cool when it came to love, but when it comes to A, everything is different. I am in my mid 20's and yet acting like a silly little teenager. Sometimes, I cringe that I am acting this way.


So everything I said is constantly ready to explode in my head. I don't even know (or don't want to admit) what I want let alone what he wants.



This is why I really would like an opinion from someone who doesn't know us. Please help me.


PS. A is pretty shy and quiet but he will say what is on his mind. He is not a player but kind of proud to be a cool "geek".


Again, thank you.


Goody2shoes

[f1repyro]

I believe he likes u.
But, because both of you had known each other for so long, he's afraid to take a step and making u his gf.
U should help him to take that step. Kiss him on the lips. Be brave! ^^

Regards,

[motty]

I don't like the fact that he is hot and cold, this may mean a stormy relationship and that' the last thing you want. I would advise you to take things slow, you shouldn't feel like a whore, you haven't been sleeping around. The fact is that you have feelings which are natural. They should however be controlled according to our outlook on life. AFter moving out with B, I would allow A is show his interest in a direct way before getting physical with him.

[goody2shoes]

f1repyro< Thank you for your advise. But isn't kissing abit too much? I mean if he doesn't feel the same way, I might lose what I already have... Or is that risk I should be taking?


motty< Yeah that's what I am confused about also. When he is playing flirty I feel like maybe he likes me but when he is cold, I genuinely don't believe that he thinks of me as anything beyond as a friend.

I guess nothing should really happen until I move out anyway huh? I do agree with that but sometimes it's hard but yes, I think I need to wait until the move, then maybe take it from there...

[magnolia6548]

Well I have had a great guy friend for about 10 years as well and at some points he and I got pretty flirty, we were so close we would even sleep in the same bed together, but nothing ever happened, we've never even kissed....Looking back I'm glad it didnt But we were not meant for eachother...we are still great friends, and I'm glad that neither of us went "there" with oneanother because I doubt we would still be as close if that were the case.

On the other hand I have had guy friends that have liked me and one pursued and we were a great match, but for whatever reason didn't work out in the long run.

I'd suggest to maybe bring it up in conversation sometime....you could always take the route of when he sends you a pic of his "ideal celeb girl" and mentions what he is looking for in a girl ask which is more important to him, then lead to if he could ever see the two of you dating? If he says no laugh it off and say "yeah that would be a little strange" if he says yes, then you have your answer. I'd just be lighthearded about it all, rather than conforontational.

[goody2shoes]

magnolia6548< Thank you. He is coming down to see me on Sunday so I might try that out

I just hope he doesn't list qualities that are obviously not me.... fingers crossed...