my boyfriends best friend just died a few days ago

[mollychambers]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and one of his really good friends just died. He's been good friends with him since we were 15 (18 now) and he sees him at the gym like everyday. He actually set him up with his girlfriend of 3 years. Well the friend who died and his girlfriend were on a break when he passed away but anyways, my boyfriend hangs out with his girlfriend about once a week. They have been good friends for a while they actually had a small passed before I came into the picture and they go to the same school and even have classes together. Now my boyfriend and I are very close so I have complete trust in him so them two hanging out is not a problem with me. But now that her boyfriend/ my boyfriends really good friend passed away, he feels the need to spend everyday with her, helping her cope and being her shoulder to cry on. He is a paulbearer at the funeral and is going to hold her hand when they are sitting and be there for her. The two of them have been going to his (Boyfriends friend) house everyday to comfort his family and just spend time. The problem is I live an hour and a half away. I just moved here 4 months ago for college I came home the night after he found out and I let him cry in my arms and we talked about everything and we were passionate and the next afternoon we spent all day laughing and having a great time. Now I am back at school and he is hardly speaking to me and told me last night that he doesnt want to be attahced to anyone right now, not me or his family. I don't know how to take that because I feel like he has attached himself to his friends family and his friends girlfriend. I trust him but I know these things can pull people apart and maybe push people together. Should I be worried about things with my boyfriend and I? We are in a very serious relationship but I am scared cause he is the only person I really have but I feel like I don’t have him right now. He even told me he didn’t want me at the funeral. I don’t know what to do. I've talked to him for a few seconds on the phone at least once a day but its kind of just hi, bye, and a pushed i love you. I tell him every time that i am here whenever he needs me and he tells me not to worry. I know he just needs space but should I be worried? He is the only person I have to talk to.

[SelflessnHumble]

Look: Your boyfriend just gave you the biggest and most genuine gift a man who's future feels uncertain could ever give their partner:
He's just told you that he doesn't want to be attached to anyone right now: you two aren't in a committed relationship any longer. DONE.

He doesn't love his friend's family nor his friend's girlfriend as he does YOU, make sense?
No, you WERE in a serious relationship: Death CAN have a huge life altering impact on his perception from here on out.

You would be naively selfish and irresponsible to somehow make this all about YOU -when he has just permanently lost someone he cared about.

STOP telling him every time you speak "I'm always here for you!" He knows this.

Your 1st mistake is to have ONLY him to talk to about things.
Even worse if you have no friends to talk to: go make them.

He dumped you: and you aren't getting the memo.
His wanting to comfort and support the family and close girlfriend WHO have lost someone is more important than HIS wants of
having a committed relationship: WITH YOU. Do you see that? If this isn't cool with you: it is understandable you take action
and you tell him you will still be here to support him as a friend, but you don't want to be with him anymore. If not? Sit here in limbo
and wait for him: an event which may never come to pass...Your call.

If he chooses to get with her: that's HIS decision, not yours.
You must respect people's choices, whether or NOT you agree with them: this is called growing up.

[mollychambers]

Look: Your boyfriend just gave you the biggest and most genuine gift a man who's future feels uncertain could ever give their partner:
He's just told you that he doesn't want to be attached to anyone right now: you two aren't in a committed relationship any longer. DONE.

He doesn't love his friend's family nor his friend's girlfriend as he does YOU, make sense?
No, you WERE in a serious relationship: Death CAN have a huge life altering impact on his perception from here on out.

You would be naively selfish and irresponsible to somehow make this all about YOU -when he has just permanently lost someone he cared about.

STOP telling him every time you speak "I'm always here for you!" He knows this.

Your 1st mistake is to have ONLY him to talk to about things.
Even worse if you have no friends to talk to: go make them.

He dumped you: and you aren't getting the memo.
His wanting to comfort and support the family and close girlfriend WHO have lost someone is more important than HIS wants of
having a committed relationship: WITH YOU. Do you see that? If this isn't cool with you: it is understandable you take action
and you tell him you will still be here to support him as a friend, but you don't want to be with him anymore. If not? Sit here in limbo
and wait for him: an event which may never come to pass...Your call.

If he chooses to get with her: that's HIS decision, not yours.
You must respect people's choices, whether or NOT you agree with them: this is called growing up.

1- You obviously don't understand, he did not break up with me, he made that very clear, he just needs space.
2- I am not making this all about me, I am not calling him bawling my eyes out telling him i need him, I came on this site for some advice.
3- I only have him to talk to because I just recently moved away from home and am having trouble adjusting and making friends in a strange city/ I cant talk to my family about this because they dont approve of us dating.
4- Your advice was bias and unhelpful.

[Petit Papillon]

I think he's overreacting a bit. I'm sure this girl has her own friends to get comfort from and ok ,he has every right to be upset right now, but the way he acted towards you just shows that maybe he's not that into you... Ok on one side,you should make it now all about you ,because he lost his friend,but on the other side, you are his girlfriend and he should want to seek comfort in you. If he doesn't ,then it means that you're not that important to him. Leave him alone, when he decides to come back, tell him that it wasn't right the way he acted towards you... Anyway I would start to think if a relationship with this guy makes some sense...
If someone very close to me would die I would EXPECT my bf to be here with me and to give his shoulder to cry on and I'm pretty sure that if someone close to my bf died, he would expect me to be there to comfort him as well.. This is what relationship is.Is to be there for your beloved one. I don't understand such "pushing away". It's normal that people want to be there for you. Well this is my opinion.

PS. And don't insult other member, it's not necessary and if you continue I will have to infract you. Edit your post,please.

[romeo4]

listen i think you should give him some time to settle down thats all. some of the people over here are a bit harsh in there advice, at times its good , but in this case there is no need to. what you should do is just dont put too much pressure on him thats all.

[SelflessnHumble]

1- You obviously don't understand, he did not break up with me, he made that very clear, he just needs space.
I do understand: if he loved you as much as you think: he would confide in you about this tragedy: he doesn't because he don't. 2nd, your posts didn't make it clear: his actions have.


2- I am not making this all about me, I am not calling him bawling my eyes out telling him i need him, I came on this site for some advice, bitch.
I gave you advice: clearly you cannot make the distinction between reading advice, and being able to disagree with it
without resorting to name calling (as you've done)
Instead here you are emotionally irrational with your tantrum responses. I'm wanting to help you.
Why are you so defensive?

3- I only have him to talk to because I just recently moved away from home and am having trouble adjusting and making friends in a strange city/ I cant talk to my family about this because they dont approve of us dating.
Understandable: but he is avoiding you: when you have only one person to lean on: you will
feel more pushed away.

4- You should not be giving advice on a relationship forum, you are clearly bias about something and have an attitude problem.

I'm sorry you feel this way.
When people get defensive like this: it usually means what I said was too close to the truth.
Avoiding it and getting angry is what people do who have trouble facing reality.

And yes you ARE making it about you.
He just lost someone to a death and all you seem to care about is whether or not
HE is spending too much time with his one time fling: his dead friends girlfriend?

Never once were you understanding nor patient concerning this death.

[mollychambers]

I think he's overreacting a bit. I'm sure this girl has her own friends to get comfort from and ok ,he has every right to be upset right now, but the way he acted towards you just shows that maybe he's not that into you... Ok on one side,you should make it now all about you ,because he lost his friend,but on the other side, you are his girlfriend and he should want to seek comfort in you. If he doesn't ,then it means that you're not that important to him. Leave him alone, when he decides to come back, tell him that it wasn't right the way he acted towards you... Anyway I would start to think if a relationship with this guy makes some sense...
If someone very close to me would die I would EXPECT my bf to be here with me and to give his shoulder to cry on and I'm pretty sure that if someone close to my bf died, he would expect me to be there to comfort him as well.. This is what relationship is.Is to be there for your beloved one. I don't understand such "pushing away". It's normal that people want to be there for you. Well this is my opinion.

PS. And don't insult other member, it's not necessary and if you continue I will have to infract you. Edit your post,please.

I was thinking the same way, that he should want me beside him but I looked in a lot of different places and everywhere talks about how men and women are so different in how they take grief. Men isolate themselves until they get over it while woman surround themselves by people they love to make them stop thinking about it. So I believe it's normal the way he is acting especially since it's with me, his friends, and his family. Everyone except the people that remind him of his friend.

And my boyfriend is always trying to be a hero, always the shoulder to cry on, that's why he feels the need to be there for these people.

[mollychambers]

1- You obviously don't understand, he did not break up with me, he made that very clear, he just needs space.
I do understand: if he loved you as much as you think: he would confide in you about this tragedy: he doesn't because he don't. 2nd, your posts didn't make it clear: his actions have.


2- I am not making this all about me, I am not calling him bawling my eyes out telling him i need him, I came on this site for some advice, bitch.
I gave you advice: clearly you cannot make the distinction between reading advice, and being able to disagree with it
without resorting to name calling (as you've done)
Instead here you are emotionally irrational with your tantrum responses. I'm wanting to help you.
Why are you so defensive?

3- I only have him to talk to because I just recently moved away from home and am having trouble adjusting and making friends in a strange city/ I cant talk to my family about this because they dont approve of us dating.
Understandable: but he is avoiding you: when you have only one person to lean on: you will
feel more pushed away.

4- You should not be giving advice on a relationship forum, you are clearly bias about something and have an attitude problem.

I'm sorry you feel this way.
When people get defensive like this: it usually means what I said was too close to the truth.
Avoiding it and getting angry is what people do who have trouble facing reality.

And yes you ARE making it about you.
He just lost someone to a death and all you seem to care about is whether or not
HE is spending too much time with his one time fling: his dead friends girlfriend?

Never once were you understanding nor patient concerning this death.

Sorry about name calling, it's just this is all bottled up cause I have no one to talk to. And yes I was understanding about his friends death, I drove him at 2 oclock AM to be there for him, I sat and listened and then spent the following day doing whatever he liked.

[Petit Papillon]

I was thinking the same way, that he should want me beside him but I looked in a lot of different places and everywhere talks about how men and women are so different in how they take grief. Men isolate themselves until they get over it while woman surround themselves by people they love to make them stop thinking about it. So I believe it's normal the way he is acting especially since it's with me, his friends, and his family. Everyone except the people that remind him of his friend.

And my boyfriend is always trying to be a hero, always the shoulder to cry on, that's why he feels the need to be there for these people.

Well dunno how it is with other guys,but as soon as something bad happens to my bf,he comes to me looking for comfort. But we are few years older than you guys and I think it also makes a difference.

Well but I have other example. Few years ago, my friends mother was murdered.Obviously, everybody was telling him how sorry they were and all and I'm pretty sure he was sick of it. I decided to approach him from a different side. I didn't repeat how sorry I am and how bad I feel about him, I was just talking to him. About random stuffs, trying to make him stop thinking about this. I've listened to him but didn't make him talk about this. Of course at the time when he needed to talk about it ,I've listened, but I never pushed him to anything. I was there without telling him that I'll be there for him. I was just saying like "heyah ,what's up? " and we were starting to talk. I didn't look with pity at him, I treated him normaly. And I think somehow I helped him at the time to forget about it ,even just for a moment. Without pushing. Just trying to talk to him ,step by step. You could try similar thing. When you try to talk to him ,start with how are you? Or dunno, what did you do today, or what plans do you have for today, I don't know. Try to get to him but in a delicate way.

[mollychambers]

Well dunno how it is with other guys,but as soon as something bad happens to my bf,he comes to me looking for comfort. But we are few years older than you guys and I think it also makes a difference.

Well but I have other example. Few years ago, my friends mother was murdered.Obviously, everybody was telling him how sorry they were and all and I'm pretty sure he was sick of it. I decided to approach him from a different side. I didn't repeat how sorry I am and how bad I feel about him, I was just talking to him. About random stuffs, trying to make him stop thinking about him. I listened to him but didn't make him talk about this. Of course at the time when he needed to talk about it ,I've listened, but I never pushed him to anything. I was there without telling him that I'll be there for him. I was just saying like "heyah ,what's up? " and we were starting to talk. I didn't look with pity at him, I treated him normaly. And I think somehow I helped him at the time to forget about it ,even just for a moment. Without pushing. Just trying to talk to him ,step by step. You could try similar thing. When you try to talk to him ,start with how are you? Or dunno, what did you do today, or what plans do you have for today, I don't know. Try to get to him but in a delicate way.

That's a very good idea, every time I get on the phone with him I sound solemn while he sounds normal just a little distant. I will definitely do that the next time he calls me, thank you

[SelflessnHumble]

Sorry about name calling, it's just this is all bottled up cause I have no one to talk to. And yes I was understanding about his friends death, I drove him at 2 oclock AM to be there for him, I sat and listened and then spent the following day doing whatever he liked.

And I'm truly sorry if I made you feel bad, it wasn't my intent.
My intent (having dealt with death and having girlfriend's who've lost people close to them) is to give you piece of
mind that this hasn't anything to do with you: your BF is suffering a huge loss...It may not be easy for him, and
that he may find comfort with people that were closest to his dead friend, that's all.

All you can do is be there for him and support him: but him telling you not to go to the funeral is very odd...
I mean if you knew him too I don't see the issue: does he not want to see you there with his dead friend's girl?

[mollychambers]

And I'm truly sorry if I made you feel bad, it wasn't my intent.
My intent (having dealt with death and having girlfriend's who've lost people close to them) is to give you piece of
mind that this hasn't anything to do with you: your BF is suffering a huge loss...It may not be easy for him, and
that he may find comfort with people that were closest to his dead friend, that's all.

All you can do is be there for him and support him: but him telling you not to go to the funeral is very odd...
I mean if you knew him too I don't see the issue: does he not want to see you there with his dead friend's girl?

I didn't know the friend, I mean we went to school together but I don't think I have ever spoken a word to him. My boyfriend played football with him and hung out with him a lot at school and when him and I got together he kind of lost touch with him. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go because I didn't know him plus I would have to miss class to go.

[SelflessnHumble]

he should want me beside him

THIS is what he should be doing.
Since he likes being the hero: taking into account YOUR feelings should matter just as much if not more to him
than the girlfriend...What he told you about not wanting to be attached to someone tells me more than what you're willing to see at this point in time.

[SelflessnHumble]

I didn't know the friend, I mean we went to school together but I don't think I have ever spoken a word to him. My boyfriend played football with him and hung out with him a lot at school and when him and I got together he kind of lost touch with him. My boyfriend doesn't want me to go because I didn't know him plus I would have to miss class to go.

Honestly, I get that: but it's your choice to go: to comfort him: the fact he wants
you NOT to be there to comfort him: tells me something is amiss here. (based on experience) not based on bias.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should break up with him and tell him to take as much time as he needs, and to come back to you when he's ready to resume the relationship if that's what he wants. It's fine if he needs time alone to grieve, but it needs to be just that, ALONE time. His friend dying doesn't give him the right to hold you emotionally hostage. Break up with him, and let him come back if he chooses, but you need to start moving on in that time.