Forgetting the Ex

[XMFGRMS]

I'll start by saying that this is completely irrational and I don't expect anyone's pity. I know what I need to do, but need help getting there.

I am about 40, happily married, and recently made the mistake of contacting an ex (my first real love) through a business networking site. I told myself it was just to say hi and see how she was. We ended things 10 years ago due to a number of issues (long distance relationship, religious differences, etc.). At the time, while I was not happy about it, I also wouldn't say I was crushed b/c she had been acting cold for a couple months before the breakup, and even though it was her doing, I told myself at the time that it was probably for the best. After that, every few years we'd catch up over email. I admit I carried a small torch for her, which faded somewhat over time. Like I said, first real love, and she was stunning and a genuinely good person. It would have been easier if she'd been horrible or cheated on me or something. Still, I knew we were never getting back together and moved on as best I could. Over time, I gradually threw away all the keepsakes, receipts, playbills, and deleted old emails. But I suppose my feelings never went away 100%. I'd been upset in the past about relationships that didn't work out, but I always managed to get over those in 8-9 months or so.

Then I met my now-wife. She's gorgeous and sweet, funny, and truly my best friend. Without question, she is a much better fit for me. I know some of you will may be thinking that I am not really happy in my marriage, but I really am.

The ex and I hadn't had contact in about 4.5 years before a couple weeks ago. She lives halfway across the country, so it's not like I run into her or anything. Something reminded me of her one day recently and I sent her a note to say hi. Did not think it would be a big deal. Told her I'd gotten married, etc. She responded that she's also been married for a few years and updated me on her job, etc.

For some reason, this exchange has thrown me for a complete loop. For the last week, I absolutely cannot stop thinking about her and what our life might have been like if things had worked out. I keep thinking and rethinking the things I said and did, and I keep wondering if I'd said or done something differently, would I have held on to her? It's actually having a physical effect on me. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this is hitting me so hard now. Maybe I never fully dealt with it at the time. Maybe it's just a midlife crisis and I'm over-romanticizing something that happened when I was younger and more carefree. Maybe I'm a "grass is always greener" person. Maybe I was taking some weird comfort in thinking that she never got married - that way it was easier to tell myself there was something inherently wrong with her. Maybe I've just settled into the routine of married life with a somewhat boring job and I miss the days of a new romance.

Whatever it is, I feel like a complete idiot and a jerk for having these irrational feelings. It needs to stop immediately for the sake of my marriage and because obviously there is no going back at this point.

What I'm doing to try and help myself is remember that the ex was not perfect, and that I can't just remember the good times. There were bad times too and reasons it didn't work out. I think over time, a lot of the bad memories tend to fade away and I need to fight that. I also need to remind myself that no matter what I would have said at the time, no big romantic speech would have really changed things in the end since we had issues that we just couldn't get past.

So I guess if anyone out there is considering contacting an ex "just to catch up," I'd advise against it unless you are absolutely sure you're past it. It may dredge up more problems than you think.

I'm definitely cutting off all contact with the ex from this point forward. Any other advice/thoughts would be appreciated. I'd also like to know if anyone has experienced something similar.

[sweetkissesforu]

Maybe you and your wife need to do somthing romantic and fun trust me go buy the wife some flowers and take her out for dinner it will get your mind back on what you do have and not what you dont

[Kaius]

Hey man, I'm about the same age as you, and I was recently contacted by an ex from 15 years ago. She is married now. I was her 1st everything, and she married the next person she dated. Actually it was I who contacted her via Facebook 2 years ago when I was going through my divorce. For some reason I thought of her and wanted her forgiveness for dumping her for no good reason. She emailed back, and we had a short exchange, and things kinda just fizzled out. But 2 months ago, she just emailed me and wanted to talk on the phone. I asked her what's up, and she told me she never really forgave me, so she couldn't really open up to me. But now she is ready to communicate again, and she wants to meet for coffee. I declined. I am engaged to a wonderful woman, and I would never want her to misunderstand. All I remember about the ex was her HUGE breasts and the sex we had. It was amazing, and was the only reason why I dated her for a whole 5 months. I really didn't like her, but the idea of a virgin with big natural breasts was very tempting to me. I was a total jerk back then, and I would never go back.

[ptaylor]

you are right to stop contact, youobviously love your wife but sounds like you need to recapture the start, the sexuall tension, the romance, silly little gifts etc. I can understand you getting all these fellings over your first love, like you say it was your fisrt love and you will have had speciall moments togetehr that you will always remember. I don't think that after all this time things would ever be the same? Concntrate on your wife that you love and make new speacil memories with her. I am no expert but his is what I would do