Voyeuristic want & relationship therapy

[MrCoffee]

At present my wife & I are in relationship therapy due to my obsessing over the need to recreate a memorable voyeuristic experience from my late teens. Prior to this, and for a long period afterwards, this was my only rewarding, fulfilling sexual experience against a few that were pretty bad and recent events have caused me to fixate on it to a degree. It's been determined that this is a massively significant occurence in my sexual life and has subtely/unconsiously informed several of my decisions and sexual wants since, including within my marriage. The therapy has helped me understand where this fixation has come from and I'm thankful for it, even though it has uncovered quite a bit of suppressed anger, resentment and unhappiness. It's getting dealt with and I'm already feeling more balanced and happy because of it. I hasten to add that that neither the original voyeuristic experience nor what I want to see recreated is in anyway problematic from a legal or moral view (seeing two girls genuinely kiss - not for titilation purposes, and wanting to see two women actually have sex respectively. Neither of the women I want to see will be my wife).

My wife has also uncovered a couple of self-esteem issues that she's working on and she too is making progress with them.

The dillema is this: I've been wanting to see the recreation described above as it has been a recurring fantasy and a happy memory that has seen me though some bad times in my marriage without my ever resorting to an affair, extra marital sex of any description etc. My wife was unsure as to whether to permit it, and has been counselled by our relationship counsellor not to do anything she is either unhappy about or doesn't want to do - for obvious reasons. She's agreed today that I can do it, but her reasons are mostly around her not wanting to see me unhappy and also a sense of thanking me for my support in during the bad times (her depression etc). One half of me wants to selfishly leap at the chance and just go for it, and the saner more considerate side thinks that whilst I appreciate her reasons, they're more "why not" reasons than "I want to too" reasons. Or to look at it another way, a lack of negative reasons does not equal a single positive reason. Am I over-thinking matters if, as I am at the moment, am not accepting her yes decision on the grounds that without her actively wanting to allow me to fulfil the fantasy, it could possibly harm her self esteem further? Or should I not be looking a gift horse in the mouth, accept the offer and just be sure I'm offering enough support and reassurance that if she feels in anyway awkward about it, we can either try and resolve the issue or call the whole thing off (massively dissapointing as that would be to me)?

Apologies for rambling on. I'm not neccessarily after advice per se, more opinions that aren't second and third guesses of my own.

[MerryH]

Kudos to you (and her) for trying to work on this in a healthy way.

I get the impression you'll only be comfortable going through with it if your wife is into it, too. Like, you want her to get off on it as much as you do so you'll feel better about it. It's sort of unfair to require her to want this. It's your fantasy, not hers. You're going to talk to your therapist about this before you act on it though, right?

Without going into great detail, how would you recreate this fantasy? Is it even possible?

[MrCoffee]

Kudos to you (and her) for trying to work on this in a healthy way.

I get the impression you'll only be comfortable going through with it if your wife is into it, too. Like, you want her to get off on it as much as you do so you'll feel better about it. It's sort of unfair to require her to want this. It's your fantasy, not hers. You're going to talk to your therapist about this before you act on it though, right?

Without going into great detail, how would you recreate this fantasy? Is it even possible?

The idea of girl-girl idea appeals to her as a fantasy, but has said she would absolutely not want to participate in in real life - which I'm absolutely fine with. The voyeuristic thing of watching two other women is ok with her in principle, as long as she's not pressured to participate. Again, not a problem. We have discussed this with our therapist who's said a) it's fine if you both want to do it (all be it to a differing degree and for different reasons), but b) if one of us doesn't want to then the answer is no, we shouldn't do it. Whilst it is something I could just go off and do by myself without permission or notice, it's not something I'd want to do like that and I'd have a hard time living with it. Not to mention if my wife found out, and she would, so much hard work in therapy would be undone in an instant. I'm not wanting my wife to be into it as much as I am - the reason I am is due to reasons outlined in my OP. I'm just wanting to be sure that she is actually ok with doing this for/with me, rather than doing it for love & gratitude but might have negative consequences for her afterwards. If she said she didn't want to do/watch it but was ok with me doing it by myself with her blessing, I'd be happy with that.

We plan on talking to our therapist more next week, although I am worried that my/our checking every last tick box and anticipating every conceivable outcome might be interperated as one or both of us looking for reasons not to do it. This isn't the case, at least for me, I just like to plan for every conceivable outcome no matter what the issue in life.

How would I/we recreate this? To my mind cold, hard cash. Asking friends or similar is obviously right out, and I really don't want to damage friendships or potentially create any emotional issues even if someone said yes. Our therapist has suggested that there are clubs out there that cater to exhibitionists/voyeurists, but I've no idea how to find them, if we'd be allowed to join and even if the specific thing I wanted to see would be catered for. To me this leaves paying "professionals" to recreate the scene, something a few of them can & do do. To be blunt.