Was I wrong?

[SixShooterFish]

Back in October my bf was upset with me, bc I chose to watch t.v. rather than call him on the phone (to talk for 3 hours as we did every night of the week for the past nine months.) We talked about it after the fact and I apologized for ignoring him. The next day he brought it up again and I got upset, bc I thought the whole deal was over with, so I told him to give me some time to cool off. After a few days I wrote him an email (we had a long distance relationship) telling him that I felt we needed to slow things down a bit. I also told him that I felt that he didn't really love me, bc he was always getting upset by things that I say and do. I felt that he was not pleased with the person that I am, as well as, that I really wanted to take time to address concerns in the relationship before we continued talking about the future. His response to that was he agreed on some aspects, but also wanted to take some time to process all of this, but wanted to make it clear that he only looks forward not back. A few days later, he told me that he loved who I am and didn't want me to change, but we kept hurting each other and that's not healthy. He also said that he'd given all he has to offer to me and that he was sorry that I don't believe in his love. He said he was disappointed and confused by everything and maybe one day we'd be in communication, but for now he was done. I was left shocked and heartbroken by his words, bc I honestly wasn't looking to break up. I wrote him afterwards to tell him this and that he was always going to be the love of my life. It's been nearly four months and we've never spoken again. My reason for posting this is simply to hear from all you guys out there. Be brutally honest, was I wrong in asking for a tap on the breaks?

[Emerald_Dreams]

Well, your post leaves a lot of questions. Such as:

1) What did you do that made him upset with you "all the time"?
2) Was it really "all the time" or did it just feel like "all the time"?
3) Did you tell him you weren't going to call, or did you just completely flake on him?


As far as your question "was I wrong", let me see if I can come up with an answer for you:

You told the guy you've been with for 9 months that you don't believe he loves you, and now he's gone. Yep that's pretty much it.

[twinrexes]

Getting upset so easily could be a sign that he's insecure, not that he doesn't love you. A fragile ego would also be easily crushed by someone calling a time out. I mean, all you did was take a few days off and he's done? Solid relationships are built on people who can work out their conflicts, and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

[Emerald_Dreams]

I don't see any "insecurity" or "fragile ego" on his part. I see a woman he's been with for 9 months accusing him of being a liar and saying "I don't believe you really love me." And now he's gone.

Men aren't so simple that you can chalk everything up to ego and pride. Once you realize that you can start having real relationships with men.

[vashti]

What did you mean by "time to cool off"? Why didn't you just tell him you didn't want to talk to him on the phone for three hours every single night?

He probably interpreted your speech as a pending breakup and beat you to the punch.

[Emerald_Dreams]

He probably interpreted your speech as a pending breakup and beat you to the punch.

Well yeah, he's with a girl for nine months and she suddenly vanishes and tells him "I don't believe you really love me.".

Also, I've had long distance relationships before. Believe me, talking on the phone for hours every night is a normal part of it.

[SixShooterFish]

No, it was not "always", but it was enough times to have to address. We hardly ever argued, but when we did it was about things like: what I was wearing (ripped jeans), using "inappropriate" language ("damn"), being upset over the Eagles losing (or the Rangers), or some other inane situation. When I was upset with him it was, bc I felt he was trying to change who he claims to have fallen in love with (that's what I said to him, "How can you love someone you're constantly trying to change? I need actions not just words.") I did not flake or vanish on him either, I told him via text and an email that I just needed the weekend to cool off and I reassured him that he should not worry [about a break up.] I understood that I was wrong in ignoring him that night to watch a game, I apologized for that the same night and he accepted my apology. "Emerald_Dreams" is absolutely right in saying that in a long distance relationship any form of extended communication is vital to the relationship, but that night I was just tired of the monotony of the situation & wanted to enjoy a baseball game. I asked for the break when he brought it up again the next day. I was p.o., bc we had spent that day texting back and forth; as well as making plans for the weekend, then he brings up squashed issues that night just before I was supposed to be at a very important meeting. I told him that there was obviously some underlying issue to all of this and that we (mostly me) needed to take the weekend to cool off. His response to that was: I'm thinking alot of things, agreeing with some of what you said and things i want to say, but want to meditate on them. Hoping we can skype monday night, if you think we need more time, that's ok. Will text you sunday or at the latest monday. (I'm quoting his email.) Then HE sends me the second email that Sunday; dropped on me like a bomb.

[Emerald_Dreams]

You can be in love with someone but still be annoyed by certain things they do and wish they'd stop. I've yet to meet a woman who didn't have more than a few complaints about her boyfriend or husband! Just because you sometimes argued about your choice of clothes doesn't mean he wasn't in love with you. A lot of people these days have this all or nothing, "love me exactly as I am or not at all" attitude, and that's not how life or relationships work. For instance, my fiance has a certain kind of voice that when we talk on the phone, it often hurts my ears. I complain, and we've argued about it (much to the dismay of my eardrums...) but that doesn't mean I love her any less.

It sounds like you guys had some issues that built up over time - and believe me, I know: In a long distance relationship, tiny issues become magnified. It sounds like these issues were nagging at him, which is why he kept bringing it up. At the end of the day, he took matters into his own hands, weighed the pros, weighed the cons, thought about it and decided it was time to move on. It's not about being "wrong" or "right" - although it's generally not a good idea to question someone's love for you (it can be VERY insulting and hurtful!) unless there's an obvious issue such as abuse.

[SixShooterFish]

At this point, you've pretty much confirmed what I've been feeling all along. What now, though? Swallowing my pride is no biggie in affairs of the heart; however, would it be wise to contact him? If you were my guy, would you ever want to hear from me again? Would an I'm-sorry-for-being-a-selfish-unappreciative-spoiled brat.-I-love-you,-bc-you're-the-best-thing-that-has-ever-happened-to-me apology be welcomed?