need help re-igniting relationship

[Alliance]

I am looking for some ways to re-spark my relationship with my gf of one and a half years. We're both in our mid twenty's.

She’s recently complained about feeling lack of intimacy and passion in our relationship. The spark has obviously diminished. She says she doesn’t feel like she cares about me anymore. She still does what a girlfriend should do, but it's become a duty rather than any real passion.

We were really close until up to few months ago (we were talking about marriage) but since then seemed to have drifted dangerously apart. Something’s obviously changed. One of the things she’s complained about is that I spoil her too much. Which is true. I spoil her to the point where I paid for everything, bought everything, even warmed the seat for her in the car. She liked it for a few months, but it got old. Eventually just plopped her ass down on the seat and said yes to everything I said/did. I took her shopping, fancy restaurants. She just followed along. Of course, this was a huge mistake. No one likes being spoiled to the point of losing their independence and feeling useless. She didn’t feel like she needed to “do anything anymore”. I've talked to her, we both agreed on this point, and obviously I'm not gonna spoil her anymore.

I need some ideas on how to re-ignite the spark that we once had, because I'm not ready to give up. We desperately need some excitement back in our relationship, and fast. Any ideas are appreciated, thanks!

[reeba]

there is no way that i would help you to encourage her
'to do what a girlfriend should do' and have her
'plop her ass into the car seat' to
'just follow along'
'to shopping and fancy restaurauts'.

in your efforts to make yourself sound so perfect, you just came across as a perfect controlling jerk.

[Emerald_Dreams]

It seems to be a trend around here to accuse men of being "controlling", "insecure", etc. I don't think that's the case here and I don't think you're trying to make yourself sound perfect OP - quite the opposite: If you were perfect you wouldn't need help, right?

At any rate it seems the problem was you were being too nice, and a little suffocating and clingy. Women like men who are nice, but not too nice. Women want devotion, but not too much devotion. They like a man who's confident, independent, has his own life and interests, presents a challenge, etc. From your post it doesn't sound like you're doing any of those things. From the sound of your post it seems as if all you're doing is focusing all your attention on doing nice things for her. There is a such thing as too much love - after a while it becomes suffocating.

I don't think the problem is "control". But I think you need to step back and give her some space to breath. Obviously you've smothered her with your love, and it's snuffed the life out of your relationship. As far as resparking things, I'm not sure. If you give her some space and live your own life, maybe she'll come around, but if not you'll just have to accept it and move on.

[Alliance]

Now that I think about it, theres a whole bunch of romantic stuff we haven't done in a long time ... any good ideas?

[sweetkissesforu]

It seems to be a trend around here to accuse men of being "controlling", "insecure", etc. I don't think that's the case here and I don't think you're trying to make yourself sound perfect OP - quite the opposite: If you were perfect you wouldn't need help, right?

At any rate it seems the problem was you were being too nice, and a little suffocating and clingy. Women like men who are nice, but not too nice. Women want devotion, but not too much devotion. They like a man who's confident, independent, has his own life and interests, presents a challenge, etc. From your post it doesn't sound like you're doing any of those things. From the sound of your post it seems as if all you're doing is focusing all your attention on doing nice things for her. There is a such thing as too much love - after a while it becomes suffocating.

I don't think the problem is "control". But I think you need to step back and give her some space to breath. Obviously you've smothered her with your love, and it's snuffed the life out of your relationship. As far as resparking things, I'm not sure. If you give her some space and live your own life, maybe she'll come around, but if not you'll just have to accept it and move on.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder and i agree with you to much romance wow never heard of that before

[IncognitoSir]

there is no way that i would help you to encourage her
'to do what a girlfriend should do' and have her
'plop her ass into the car seat' to
'just follow along'
'to shopping and fancy restaurauts'.

in your efforts to make yourself sound so perfect, you just came across as a perfect controlling jerk.

Ughh, no he's not. He simply did WAY TOO MUCH. I myself am guilty of making this mistake. Even though you spoiled her, she is just as much to blame as you are for going along with it and waiting until NOW to tell you she's unhappy with it. Once again, communication breakdown.

[Alliance]

I think all thats been said here so far is analyzing what went wrong. I know what the problem is. She told me in large part what they are. And I need to fix it. I'm looking for help with ideas and steps on how to proceed.

We had a three hour talk, she even said I screwed up, though she thinks part of it is her problem too. She doesn't feel the desire for me lately. She can't understand it. Having given it some thought, I explained to her it's due to my prolonged spoiling. I don't think she's ready to give up though, and neither am I.

One thing I've figured out for sure is I'm gonna stop spoiling her. Also, enough with the gifts. Enough with paying for clothes. Enough with the endless talk of joint accounts. Let's put that aside for the time being, and focus on the passion, the emotional things that's obviously been neglected in the past months.

I'm looking to do something simple - nothing heavy. Something that reminds us of the good times, to bring back the fun in our relationship. Could be walk in the park? anything thats light and fun?