no sex in relationship

[bluedemon]

I am 30 years old and my fiance is 24. Ever since the birth of our son (her 3rd) in early July my fiance has a total aversion to sex or even the idea of or talk about sexual activity. Before and during the pregnancy she loved sex, so much so in-fact that many times I struggled to keep up. Our son is 7 months old now and since his birth we have been intimate a total of only 2 times. The first time she agreed after weeks upon weeks of my basically all but begging. The next day the subject of out “activities” the night before came up in conversation. She said that she did not particularly enjoy it and just let it happen so she wouldn't have to hear about it for awhile. She also added that she had been doing fine without sex.

Very early in the morning one day, 3-4:00am she woke me up and asked me if I was in the mood. I of course jumped at the idea. This time she seemed to enjoy our “activities” more & I didn't hear any negative aftermath the following day. Since this isolated incident it's been a lot of the same old story. Just the thought or mention of physical intimacy seems to appall her. On a couple occasions she has even become quite angry at my advances. She has suggested several times that I should “take care of matters myself.” I rarely if ever masturbate because doing so feels very wrong and dirty. In my past experience after I masturbate I feel terribly depressed, the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. Afterwards it's a feeling of pure despair. I can only compare it to the way I might feel if I had killed someone. My fiance knows of this personal issue I have but I don't think she believes me or if she does she does not understand.

I've tried talking to her about my feelings toward this new persona she's taken on but at the very mention of anything sexual she becomes agitated and I end up talking to a brick wall. All in all her constant rejections are damaging our relationship. I've lately stopped trying or even trying to talk about the issue to avoid having my head bitten off.

I'm not a chauvinist or a pervert as my fiance called me recently. I do however enjoy intimacy as much as any 30 year old male would be expected to. I love my fiance very much and plan to marry her this June. Intimacy and making love makes my love for her feel just that much more validated. I feel as if a part of our relationship that once existed has died or is no longer available, like a part of “us” is missing. She claims to be happy and satisfied with our family & home life. She says she still loves me just the same. She just simply has taken a total aversion to sex. We are done having children. My fiance elected to get an IUD to protect us from becoming pregnant again. I do not understand why my fiance's feelings toward intimacy have changed so much. She keeps saying “sex is not everything,” and I do agree. It's just difficult to go from having a very active sex life just over 6 months ago to having next to none now.

If anyone has had a similar experience. Does it get any better? I fear that all of this and the accompanying lack of communication about the issue may be warning signs. I just hope it's not the beginning of the end of our relationship. Any advice is appreciated.

[sweetkissesforu]

Sometimes having a baby can lower the sex drive she's busy with a baby and other kids i had my kids 14 mths apart and i had know problem sex is important to you she should find time for you 2 or i would pack my bags deal breaker love you do make sacrifices for each other

[sookie6]

I feel sad for you because your fiancee is not acknowledging your needs. Her struggling with her sex drive whould be an issue that she's willing at least to discuss openly without putting the blame on you. You have not changed, she has...and she should really see this before calling you a pervert (which is such bad name calling in a relationship!)

I don't know what to say because of the kids...you have young children who need their dad, so obviously you have to stay in the relationship for their sake...yes it is so unfortunately...

I think many couples experience problems, it's life. And what makes them get through is both partner's willingness to discuss any issue.

About marriage: you don't have to marry her if you're not happy with her. You are the fathers kids and that's a fact...but to become her husband you'll need to feel loved and understood first. So I suggest you postpone the marriage until you're both happy.

[smackie9]

Ok whoa here. This is the deal. She is tired, and has to focus all her energy on taking care of baby, so mentally she's not gonna be there for awhile. There is nothing there to feeling sexy with a misshapen body from carrying a child for 9 months, and then having your days and nights dealing with a pissin, shittin, droolin crying baby. This is what happens when you have children. You have no clue what happens to a woman after child birth do ya. There's a lot of changes women go through, but also they are instinctive to take care of that child. So all that attention you were getting before now belongs to that child....welcome to fatherhood. This is very normal part of having children. You should have picked up some of those baby books to learn all about the process of during AND after to better understand all this. She can't help the way she feels. So you better stop your whining and get off you ass to take some of the responsibility of taking care of this child as well as doing the house cleaning, cooking and shopping. Then take time out to run her a nice bath to relax, take her out for nice dinners, and to get her in the mood give her a full body massage. If you get her totally relaxed and feeling appreciated, she will give you sex.

[sookie6]

Smackie yes you make valid points but 2 times in 7 months...there is something wrong...at least there should be an open discussion about it without name calling and to tell her soon to be husband to 'take care of matters himself' is brutal...

[HeartIsAching]

Ok whoa here. This is the deal. She is tired, and has to focus all her energy on taking care of baby, so mentally she's not gonna be there for awhile. There is nothing there to feeling sexy with a misshapen body from carrying a child for 9 months, and then having your days and nights dealing with a pissin, shittin, droolin crying baby. This is what happens when you have children. You have no clue what happens to a woman after child birth do ya. There's a lot of changes women go through, but also they are instinctive to take care of that child. So all that attention you were getting before now belongs to that child....welcome to fatherhood. This is very normal part of having children. You should have picked up some of those baby books to learn all about the process of during AND after to better understand all this. She can't help the way she feels. So you better stop your whining and get off you ass to take some of the responsibility of taking care of this child as well as doing the house cleaning, cooking and shopping. Then take time out to run her a nice bath to relax, take her out for nice dinners, and to get her in the mood give her a full body massage. If you get her totally relaxed and feeling appreciated, she will give you sex.

Some definite validity to that.

[HeartIsAching]

Smackie yes you make valid points but 2 times in 7 months...there is something wrong...at least there should be an open discussion about it without name calling and to tell her soon to be husband to 'take care of matters himself' is brutal...

She's lashing out like that because she's feeling inadequate and taking it out on you. It's not right, in fact it's abusive behavior, but that's why she's doing it.

Frankly, I would not get married under those circumstances. Maybe if she got help... but I've lived with those circumstances and it's not tenable long term.

[Emerald_Dreams]

She has suggested several times that I should “take care of matters myself.”

I'm not a chauvinist or a pervert as my fiance called me recently.

Get rid of any woman who ever says these things to you. She has zero respect for your masculinity or feelings.

Ok whoa here. This is the deal. She is tired, and has to focus all her energy on taking care of baby, so mentally she's not gonna be there for awhile. There is nothing there to feeling sexy with a misshapen body from carrying a child for 9 months, and then having your days and nights dealing with a pissin, shittin, droolin crying baby.

Oh boohoo. Babies sleep 20 hours a day. Quit pretending it's such a big life-draining chore. The baby cries, you change it (5 minutes). The baby cries, you feed it (10 minutes). You hold the baby. The baby sleeps. It's not rocket science. If a 10 year old could do it (my cousin took care of her brother) then an adult can do it. Taking care of a baby is definitely easier than working a full time job!

So you better stop your whining and get off you ass to take some of the responsibility of taking care of this child as well as doing the house cleaning, cooking and shopping. Then take time out to run her a nice bath to relax, take her out for nice dinners, and to get her in the mood give her a full body massage. If you get her totally relaxed and feeling appreciated, she will give you sex.

This is exactly the type of bitter cunt you should avoid in life. Would you honestly want to marry and spend the rest of your life with a cunt like that? Your wife calls you a chauvinist and a PERVERT because you want to have sex? She tells you to go masturbate? And in response to that you're supposed to kiss her ass and "make her feel appreciated"? Appreciated for what, exactly? LOL

[bluedemon]

Smackie- I posted on this forum seeking advice not a literal ass ripping based on your absurdly incorrect assumptions. I get enough of that at home. You say this is a "very normal part of having children", I beg to disagree. I have many friends who have children and have normal healthy routine sex lives. As for your comment about the baby books I read "what to expect when you're expecting" virtually cover to cover plus I read a book for expectant fathers called "what to expect while your wife is expanding." Nowhere in any of the texts did it say that sex or even the mention of would become an in-tolerated taboo.

As for your comment about taking responsibility I am happy to do even more than my fair share of taking care of my children. My son is bottle fed and it is I who grog-illy climbs out of bed sometimes as often as 3 times per night to feed him so my fiance can sleep. It's the least I can do. She carried him for 9 months and she didn't suffer from morning sickness, she suffered from 24hr sickness from the pregnancy from month 2 - 9. House cleaning, cooking, shopping, working, child care I do my fair share of it all. Not all men are selfish pigs and frankly I feel sorry that you felt the need to make such assumptions and respond to aggressively to my post.

[Emerald_Dreams]

It sounds like you've done more than your fair share. She has no right to complain about how "hard" it is to take care of a baby - especially when it sounds like you're doing half the work! But women like Smackie and your fiance - they're never satisfied. It's a disease of the mind. They think they're lives are so hard and because of this they're entitled to all sorts of special treatment and pampering. Pffft! Bluedemon, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Take my advice: Don't marry her!!!!! This is what it will be like for the rest of your life. She will turn you into a slave, trust me bro!

The next time she says "I want marriage", tell her "And I want sex, but we can't all get what we want, you chauvinist."

[SelflessnHumble]

Smackie- I posted on this forum seeking advice not a literal ass ripping based on your absurdly incorrect assumptions. I get enough of that at home. You say this is a "very normal part of having children", I beg to disagree. I have many friends who have children and have normal healthy routine sex lives. As for your comment about the baby books I read "what to expect when you're expecting" virtually cover to cover plus I read a book for expectant fathers called "what to expect while your wife is expanding." Nowhere in any of the texts did it say that sex or even the mention of would become an in-tolerated taboo.

As for your comment about taking responsibility I am happy to do even more than my fair share of taking care of my children. My son is bottle fed and it is I who grog-illy climbs out of bed sometimes as often as 3 times per night to feed him so my fiance can sleep. It's the least I can do. She carried him for 9 months and she didn't suffer from morning sickness, she suffered from 24hr sickness from the pregnancy from month 2 - 9. House cleaning, cooking, shopping, working, child care I do my fair share of it all. Not all men are selfish pigs and frankly I feel sorry that you felt the need to make such assumptions and respond to aggressively to my post.

Hi there...I read that first post and damn it was hard to read!

First off: you need to learn something that you may not have learned yet: People Change.
She will not be the same person you first met, in fact you need to learn to account for variable change.

While I understand *her* issues she feels she has to face: she is facing them alone:
taking it out on your needs when you're supposed to be the confidant she finds solace and comfort in.

All I hear from your mate is a bunch of excuses.
They aren't reasons at all.

It isn't selfish to want her to physically express her supposed love for you.
If she is truly going through a tough time: fine...She should be sitting down with YOU, and seeking
resolution so your relationship gets back on track...People will always use life altering changes
in order to justify THEIR action/inaction. -This is the fatal flaw of people bro.

You either have to accept it, sit down and address them, OR find someone who truly loves YOU, not punishes yours for her.

[smackie9]

2 times in 7 months is not uncommon after child birth. Giving birth is like pushing a watermelon through a keyhole.....after something like that sex is the furthest thing from your mind. The body and hormones need time to readjust before sexual desire can return. All women are different, so some take longer than others to recover. Like I said before instead of being resentful, discover why and work with it and stop being ignorant about it. Marriage is a partnership, and with proper communication these things do not have to be an issue.

[SelflessnHumble]

2 times in 7 months is not uncommon after child birth. Giving birth is like pushing a watermelon through a keyhole.....after something like that sex is the furthest thing from your mind. The body and hormones need time to readjust before sexual desire can return. All women are different, so some take longer than others to recover. Like I said before instead of being resentful, discover why and work with it and stop being ignorant about it. Marriage is a partnership, and with proper communication these things do not have to be an issue.

They aren't married but never the less, it is still a partnership: it's just that the state hasn't become a party to their relationship (yet) but it will.
The real issue here isn't the sex, as it is the reason(s) she is using to withhold sex. Communication is the key.
If she truly tells him she doesn't feel sexually charged (which is a possibility having a child, no doubt) and he STILL gets angry? He has an issue.

[Emerald_Dreams]

2 times in 7 months is not uncommon after child birth.

As a medically trained professional I can tell you it is uncommon.

Giving birth is like pushing a watermelon through a keyhole.....after something like that sex is the furthest thing from your mind. The body and hormones need time to readjust before sexual desire can return. All women are different, so some take longer than others to recover. Like I said before instead of being resentful, discover why and work with it and stop being ignorant about it. Marriage is a partnership, and with proper communication these things do not have to be an issue.

Sorry, but after a while using the "hormone" excuse gets old - and that's all it is, too: an excuse.

[MerryH]

I rarely if ever masturbate because doing so feels very wrong and dirty. In my past experience after I masturbate I feel terribly depressed, the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. Afterwards it's a feeling of pure despair. I can only compare it to the way I might feel if I had killed someone.

This is pretty unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with jerking off and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. And, maybe it's just me, but I feel it's also sort of unfair to your fiancee. She shouldn't be solely responsible for your sexual release. I'm sure this is compounding the problem for you.

That said, she should be a bit more willing to work with you on this, and the fact that she doesn't seem to care that you have a problem is a major issue. I think if you tell her you want to postpone the wedding until you guys can work this out, you'll really get her attention. It's been easy for her to blow you off about this, but this will either push her into action, or she'll continue to ignore your feelings and you can break up with her.

Suggest couples counseling to her. If she refuses to go, get counseling on your own. You need it anyway, because you really don't need to feel dirty and wrong for masturbating.