Confusing actions

[jko123]

So a girl that I have had a off and on again relationship for the last year is confusing me. We stopped seeing each other during the summer but she ended up reaching out to me through some hard time she was having. I made my self clear that I felt much more than friendship and thats what I wanted, however I would be there as a friend for now. We have a great time together and everything feels so natural when we put our guards down. She just got out of a bad relationship and I didnt want to push anything however in the next few monthes we grew closer and then ended up kissing and making out a few times. She then ended up saying she just didnt have that feeling taht she needed to date me...and I told her that I respect that but I cant just be her friend it to hard. I stopped contact but she keeps coming back saying that she needs me in her life because i mean so! much to her and she cant lose me. I kept telling her that it cant work because we both want different things...bbut she keeps making contact. It seems that she cant go more than a few days without reaching out...its hard but I am trying to ignore her to let her be without me for a while.

I just dont know if she means what she say when she say I just dont feel that spark, or if she just does not know what she has untill she loses it?

[MerryH]

It's quite selfish of her to continue bothering you after you made it clear that it would be too hard for you to be just friends, so you shouldn't feel too guilty about cutting her out for good. Tell her one final time that you can not remain friends with her, and that you do not want her making any more attempts at friendship. Then block her cell number, Facebook, email, etc. Make it so that she has no way to contact you.

And yes, I'm sure she meant it when she said she doesn't feel the spark. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.

[xxazurexx]

Does she have other friends in her life?

Often I think and one reason as to why they hang on, is because they have nobody else they can turn too and if they want to talk, etc.

I have an ex, turned guy friend who is the same.

[MynameisJesus]

It's quite selfish of her to continue bothering you after you made it clear that it would be too hard for you to be just friends, so you shouldn't feel too guilty about cutting her out for good. Tell her one final time that you can not remain friends with her, and that you do not want her making any more attempts at friendship. Then block her cell number, Facebook, email, etc. Make it so that she has no way to contact you.

And yes, I'm sure she meant it when she said she doesn't feel the spark. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.

Yes that is very selfish and I have seen many girls doing this. Do they not realize how hard this is for a man? Or do they realize it and ignore it because they don't care?

[xxazurexx]

Yes that is very selfish and I have seen many girls doing this. Do they not realize how hard this is for a man? Or do they realize it and ignore it because they don't care?

If men wanted to be a 'real' friend to a woman and rather than be friends with the motive of getting in her pants, these issues wouldn't arise.

He's allowing it to continue....therefore he is to blame, not her.

[jko123]

If men wanted to be a 'real' friend to a woman and rather than be friends with the motive of getting in her pants, these issues wouldn't arise.

He's allowing it to continue....therefore he is to blame, not her.

. I am not that shallow, of course I want the sexual relationship but that is not the reason I want to be with her, I love the connection that we had and that was not 90% of the relationship. I just feel to strongly to only be a friend.

[jko123]

That was 90% of the relationship...sorry

[xxazurexx]

. I am not that shallow, of course I want the sexual relationship but that is not the reason I want to be with her, I love the connection that we had and that was not 90% of the relationship. I just feel to strongly to only be a friend.

Still stands, that you want more and probably did when you first encountered this female.....otherwise you probably wouldn't have cared much for being her friend.

I hope you are not using this 'I can't be friends because I want more' and as an emotional means of blackmail, in the hopes she will realise that she wants you, because it doesn't quite work that way and games can backfire.

Your quote below suggests that this may be game-play.

I just dont know if she means what she say when she say I just dont feel that spark, or if she just does not know what she has untill she loses it....

If you can't genuinely be her friend....cut her off and out. You've already explained things to her and the reasons why you can't do friends, so she is full aware of why you'd be cutting her off.

Don't blame her and for a situation you have chosen to be a part of YOURSELF.

[MerryH]

Yes that is very selfish and I have seen many girls doing this. Do they not realize how hard this is for a man? Or do they realize it and ignore it because they don't care?

It's also pretty selfish for a guy to befriend a girl "for now" in the hopes that eventually he'll wear her down enough so that she'll date him. That kind of friendship is insincere. And it's a difficult situation for girls, too. I mean, you think you've got this really great friendship with a cool guy, and then it turns out he doesn't want to be your friend anymore unless you date him.

That said, if someone tells you they don't want you around anymore, you don't keep calling and trying to get back in with no consideration for the other person's feelings.

[jko123]

Well in my case it stared off as a romantic relationship and even when we got back together as friends I always made my feeling super clear. Its just confusing that she thinks the world of me and at one time was very! attracted to me and thought I was the one...but know she just does not see the spark but needs me in her life. I told her were I stand and that she should not question herself because of what I must do, I want to find someone who will recipricate those feelings...and if it was meant to be between me and her then maybe she will come back.

[MynameisJesus]

It's also pretty selfish for a guy to befriend a girl "for now" in the hopes that eventually he'll wear her down enough so that she'll date him. That kind of friendship is insincere. And it's a difficult situation for girls, too. I mean, you think you've got this really great friendship with a cool guy, and then it turns out he doesn't want to be your friend anymore unless you date him.

Befriending someone you don't like, with the intention of having sex later is not fair indeed. Happens all the time though

How about befriending someone you DO appreciate, because he/she has qualities you value, but realizing that there is physical attraction as well?
It's happened to me before that I've developed feelings for someone I genuinely appreciated as a friend. An attractive friend, but a friend. Feelings developed over time and she found out.
She had a BF and kept a distance. If she had told me that she still wanted me as a close friend, I don't think I could. Even though I truly cared about her.

Not being able to be friends anymore doesn't have to mean that you're not the cool guy you claimed to be

[MerryH]

Befriending someone you don't like, with the intention of having sex later is not fair indeed. Happens all the time though

I think you've misunderstood me. I wasn't referring to anything as sinister as the above quote. I don't think most guys who start friendships with girls they're attracted to are doing so maliciously, but it's a bad way to go about dating a girl. I don't think they realize that.

How about befriending someone you DO appreciate, because he/she has qualities you appreciate, but realizing that there is physical attraction as well?

So she has attractive qualities, and you find her physically attractive. But you DO NOT want to date her? Is that what you're telling me?

If she had told me that she still wanted me as a close friend, I don't think I could. Even though I truly cared about her.

If she had told you in the beginning of your friendship that she did not and would not ever like you romantically, would you have continued being her friend?

[xxazurexx]

Befriending someone you don't like, with the intention of having sex later is not fair indeed. Happens all the time though...

Men tend to befriend women they DO like and are attracted too. He will rarely befriend a woman he doesn't like.

What would be the purpose in befriending someone he didn't like nor was attracted too?

How about befriending someone you DO appreciate, because he/she has qualities you value, but realizing that there is physical attraction as well?

The PHYSICAL is what both men and women notice initially. Noticing the QUALITIES AND TRAITS tend come after the initial physical attraction.

Maybe you are an 'exception' (or claim to be), but it happens with guys A LOT that they will befriend a woman and simply because they are PHYSICALLY AND SEXUALLY attracted and want to get into her pants, than rather he likes a 'quality' she might possess.

Not being able to be friends anymore doesn't have to mean that you're not the cool guy you claimed to be

When a man will PRETEND he wants to be friends with a woman and uses the 'friends' route as a guise to try and get into her pants, ....then discards her when he doesn't get into her pants, it makes him an INSINCERE PIG IMO....and I've met MANY insincere PIGS in my time.

[xxazurexx]

Well in my case it stared off as a romantic relationship and even when we got back together as friends I always made my feeling super clear. Its just confusing that she thinks the world of me and at one time was very! attracted to me and thought I was the one...but know she just does not see the spark but needs me in her life. I told her were I stand and that she should not question herself because of what I must do, I want to find someone who will recipricate those feelings...and if it was meant to be between me and her then maybe she will come back.

Not only women do this, men do it too and I'm in your exact situation and with an ex - now it's 'friends'....

I've also told him how I feel and said I can't do friends, etc, but he also won't piss off and leave me alone. I've cut him off and a thousand times for months at a time....still he comes back, like your girl...

I'm not gonna get what I'm looking for with him and you aren't going to get what you want with this girl.

If you can't do friends, then cut her off.

Fortunately for me I am able to do friends now and because my situation has dragged on for 3 whole years.....and now I'm past caring that he doesn't see me in that way anymore.

[jko123]

So last night she texed me saying she misses me alot...it has only been 5 days, this make me feel like she really does want to be with me? I dont know how to handle this.