Disowning Family

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

Hi All.

I'm not sure if this is the best place to obtain advice but since I've posted on here before and got decent advice I felt it the best place for me.

I just wanted to know if any of you have fell out with your family / had your familles fall out with you since starting to date somebody new?

To make the story a short one......

I left my partner of 6 years who I had a home with due to not being in love with him anymore and feeling suffocated, my family got along with him and as a result I felt it appropriate to keep this to myself as I hadnt really got an open relationship with my family where I could talk about these kind of things. When I left my partner I met someone else, almost immediately whom I knew from work. Things developed dramatically between us and we have moved quite quickly since being together.
The home I had with my ex was mortgaged which meant it needed to be sold, he took alot of issues round to my family who listened to him and welcomed him there, however, I never took any of these to his family. Feeling it would be wrong to involve them, as it was between the two of us.

Over the past 10 months since leaving things have never been right with my family and my ex still went on a family holiday for a wedding of my brothers, which I had to attend, however, I went to the wedding and flew back the day after whilst my ex continued on a holiday with my parents. WRONG???? I think so.

Ever since that holiday my brother has not spoken to me, claiming i runied the wedding, i didnt. And the rest of my family have only been interested in me and my partner when it suited them.
It came to a head on christmas day as we went round to visit them in the morning and have not heard of them since. Until today, to find out if we are attending a family funeral.

I dont know what to do anymore, its causing great friction and distance between me and my partner when they are on the scene and things have happened which have hurt me beyond belief.

Thanks for reading

[xxazurexx]

I'd disown them...end of.

Couldn't be part of this negativity and I would stay away from those kind of surroundings and people - family or not.

When I was younger my mum would kinda constantly put me down. Everything I did, was never right or good enough.

Just as well for her that she has changed over the years and now we get along well and are close ....else I'd have been long gone.

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

My mother seems to be the 'ringleader' in all of this. Unfortunately though she seems to be managing to get the rest of my family to see her point of view.
My mom too has put me down, on the phone to my partner, telling him that he doesnt really know me. That I can be a nasty piece of work. Shes told me that she's embarassed by me and used very petty excuses for these things such as I didnt wear a piece of costume jewelley to my brothers wedding reception, oh and I didnt turn up for a hair appointment for the event (which they failed to inform me of)

Its hard because they are my family but I fear them splitting my relationship up if these games continue.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'd cut ties too. No point in maintaining relationships that are unhealthy for everyone.

[xxazurexx]

My mother seems to be the 'ringleader' in all of this. Unfortunately though she seems to be managing to get the rest of my family to see her point of view.
My mom too has put me down, on the phone to my partner, telling him that he doesnt really know me. That I can be a nasty piece of work. Shes told me that she's embarassed by me and used very petty excuses for these things such as I didnt wear a piece of costume jewelley to my brothers wedding reception, oh and I didnt turn up for a hair appointment for the event (which they failed to inform me of)

Its hard because they are my family but I fear them splitting my relationship up if these games continue.

Crikey!! Sounds more like a worst enemy than a mum. I'm being honest, I'd stay away. Least until she changed her ways and attitude.

My mum would say I was too much like my dad. She'd also find fault with my friends and I was never allowed to bring friends home. She'd put me down and to every guy I'd cared to introduce. I'd tell her of my ambitions and she'd scoff and say I was all talk, that I'd never do anything with my life. if I made a cup of tea, she'd tell me that I had my own house in which I could make a cup of tea..etc, etc....so much more but it used to totally piss me off and I'd stayed away on many an occasion and for months!. Like I said though, over the years she has changed and now I pretty much tell her everything, we are close and I go to her with all of my problems - if she acts negative, I say 'Bye, talk to you soon'....lol

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

Thats the point I've got to.

Me and my partner are engaged now and there was never a congratulations. I never got engaged or anything to my ex but it seems that they're not intrested in all of that. I've lived with him for just under a year and none of my family know where I live.

Come to think of it, they know nothing about my fiance. He could be some sex attacker or nut job and they wouldnt have a clue, they clearly dont care who I'm with or what I do with my life.

[vashti]

Did you expect that just because you moved on, your family was supposed to stop caring about your ex? If they loved him, and considered him part of the family for 6 years, your expectation was unrealistic. Just because YOU stop loving someone doesn't obligate the rest of the world to do the same. Also, if you have given them no reason to see things from YOUR point of view, for all they can tell, you were probably carrying on with this work guy while you were still with your ex. Why didn't you try to let them see things from your point of view? You have given them no other perspective, so anything your ex says is the only truth they know.

I think you contributed heavily towards the way your family feels about you and the new guy, unfortunately. I hope you can repair this. It really isn't fair to your new relationship, and one day, you are going to have babies. All these people who you are ready to disown will be their family, and the only people you can really count on when you need help. Be careful about burning bridges you may need later, especially when you played a large role in this.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) I commend you for leaving someone with whom you'd fallen out of love with...
(2) Him discussing ALL of your dirty laundry and relationship issues with your family was VERY WRONG!

(3) YOU have never had the close relationship with your family...HE took the time to get to know them and to become close to them: not his problem you don't like it. <-----Not wrong
(4) People can come and go: BUT you cannot dictate someone extricate themselves from your families life just because you dumped him...it doesn't work that way. <----You are wrong
(5) You leaving the wedding tainted it <-------This was wrong and even worse is that you seemed to make it ALL about YOU..... <--------This was wrong.

Now, if you had communicated (as we all know you DON'T) that you will attend the wedding, but you feel uncomfortable to be around your ex at the reception (or other events) this is your choice.
If you didn't say anything, just left because seeing your silly little ex was more important than staying there for your families benefit (and for celebration) you clearly have issues which need to be addressed.

This can only happen via communication.
You allowed this entire thing to happen, you just sat back and watched these events unfold.
Should you want to grow up a bit and take responsibility for your actions (thereby humbling yourself) and apologizing for your behavior so that
you can be closer to your family: then it would be a great thing for you to do...You have hurt your family as well...You may have even hurt your ex too.
People have a right to feel upset, although they shouldn't take it out on you: sometimes the only way to resolution is by showing them that there is another way of handling adversity...

The ball is in your court.

[Mongoose]

Woa, large role seems a bit unfair. The mum and co. seem to have chosen this ex over their own daughter/sister. That's surely not right? It's the guy that makes things awkward. Talking to your ex's parents following the end of a long-term relationship is understandable, but going on holiday with them is hugely odd to me, especially when the ex is uncomfortable with it. Shouldn't the family just accept that that relationship wasn't what she wanted and was wrong for her?

Frankly, everything you have described is the opposite to what should have happened. It's as though you are describing your ex's family. Your mum might as well adopt him. That doesn't sound like the kind of family environment you need at the minute, so at least give yourself a bit of space from them and focus on your new guy.

Edit: I kinda like the above post too

[xxazurexx]

Woa, large role seems a bit unfair. The mum and co. seem to have chosen this ex over their own daughter/sister. That's surely not right? It's the guy that makes things awkward. Talking to your ex's parents following the end of a long-term relationship is understandable, but going on holiday with them is hugely odd to me, especially when the ex is uncomfortable with it. Shouldn't the family just accept that that relationship wasn't what she wanted and was wrong for her?

Frankly, everything you have described is the opposite to what should have happened. It's as though you are describing your ex's family. Your mum might as well adopt him. That doesn't sound like the kind of family environment you need at the minute, so at least give yourself a bit of space from them and focus on your new guy.

Edit: I kinda like the above post too

Well said I agree....

[LOVE_CONFUSED]

Before I left my home and my ex I spoke to my mom about how I felt, she told me that If I didnt love him or want to be with him anymore then I shouldnt continue with this and I couldnt stay living in the house. To which I agreed, I informed them all I was going to stay with my friend until I sorted myself out and figured out what I was going to do.
From the word go I discussed the family holiday/wedding situation and I even offered to pay my ex all of the money he had spent so as he didnt lose any money (he replied that I was putting him in an awkward position) I informed my family of my intentions from the start, that I didnt was him to come on the holiday as I wanted to spend the time with them so they knew it was my intention all along. Plus, If I'd split with a partner I certainly wouldnt want to go to a family wedding of theirs as I wouldnt consider myself part of the family.
Now, there was quite an age gap between me and my ex, meaning he was only 7 yrs younger than my mother. He'd made comments to me in the past that If I looked anything like my mom when I was older he'd be well sorted! What kind of remark is that to make!?!

In the end, he refused to give up on his holiday in America, I attended the wedding ceremony (this was the only day that we spent with my brother and his wife) as they wanted to enjoy their own holiday too. Therefore, I know I didnt ruin the wedding at all for them. It was a nice day, all things considered.

Whilst I understand that he was part of their lives for 6 years, he never went round to try to sort things out, he only went to visit my parents to play the marter and to run me down.

[xxazurexx]

Now, there was quite an age gap between me and my ex, meaning he was only 7 yrs younger than my mother. He'd made comments to me in the past that If I looked anything like my mom when I was older he'd be well sorted! What kind of remark is that to make!?!

I'd have walked as soon as he made that comment ^^

I can understand that he was a part of the family and for 6 years, but really....does he have to spend all of his time there and go on holiday, etc with them? Doesn't he have a life of his own?? Obviously he doesn't have new partner. And the deal about the wedding....if it was your exs family, I wouldn't have even bothered going. You sound like me in that once it's over with a partner, you'd prefer a clean break and that is the way it should be. Fair enough and if he was close to your family, he could visit them once in a while, but every day?? Sounds to me that he sticks around and simply to keep ties with you, or because he loves causing trouble for you...or maybe your mum perhaps??? All in all, he sounds a very bored little man!

When I split with my ex, it was more or less a 'clean' break, although I do know that my ex will keep in touch my dad from time to time, but only because they are in the same work trade. I havn't seen any of his family in years. I saw no point in making a point of staying a part of a family, that I was no longer a part of.