Advice on a difficult relationship turned friendship please

[nicochick]

Hi,

I'm new here but have been through a great deal over the past year and would like your thoughts and advice on the situation please.

I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 53 so quite an age gap! Although this has never been the problem. We met a year ago, I was unhappily married and less than a year before his partner of 7 years up and left him. They had never married and before that he had never had a long term relationship - it just didn't interest him and he doesn't have any children. He's had a difficult past and history of depression which although has been dealt with and controlled with medication it does display itself every now and then.

Anyway when we met we hit it off straightaway, neither of us were looking for a relationship, it was a situation and circumstances which threw us together! We quickly developed strong feelings for one another, I realised that I had to do something about my unhappy marriage so did the right thing and ended it (something I shouldve done a long time ago but I suppose me meeting someone else gave me the incentive and push I needed). I in no way regret doing that. Overall over the past year although we've been through a lot of ups and downs we've been very happy. We dint live together - live about 60 miles away from one another and sometimes arguments have arose where I have questinned his commitment to me. It came to a head this week, everything blew up (not for the first time) and he said that he really didn't want to be with me, or anyone on a full time basis, I.e he doesn't want to live with anyone again, to marry, have kids etc... This was not a major shock for me as he had said several times before that he did not know what he wanted!

I have had to accept this and he came round the other day to tell me it was over and was prepared for us to never ever have any contact again. Because he thought that I would want all or nothing at all! I suggested saying friends, I said that although I now know the score between us in that he can't give me what I ultimately want, I also don't want to go looking for someone else at the moment. I would much rather keep his friendship because we get on so well and have such a lovely time together an I would be more than happy with this, at least for the time being until I want to look for a new relationship. We also suggested still seeing each other and also having a 'friends with benefits' situation which we both agreed would make us happy. He said that as long as I was happy with this then he is too. He said he doesn't ever want a relationship with anyone else and believes that he spent too much time on his own in the past and because he's become selfish he will never want to share everything with someone again after being so hurt in the past. He agrees that it would be foolish to throw away what we have when we know we get on so well and also have such wonderful sex - but really get on in every way and still love one another.

My question is can this work and I it a good idea? The last thing I want to be is more hurt at the end of it. The pressure is totally off him now and it's not like I'm relying on this but it's like by this pressure off and giving him/us space it's actually making him miss me more and realising what he would be missing by not having me in his life! I totally understand though if it turns out that he still can't commit to me but I don't see anything wrong with still seeing each other on a more easy going basis where the pressure is totally off and just concentrate on having a great tine together! He likes his space and to be honest since the age if 18 I've just about continuously been in a relationship, and now trying to move on after a marriage break up etc.. So I really feel like I need time out to rediscover me again and thought this would be a good way of doing this whilst not losing out on a highly regarded relationship/friendship.

Thanks for listening
nicola x

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Well, you should ride it out and do what you and him planned and at the same time meet other people. He told you straught out how he feels.. already. But, nway best of luck.