Marriage recoverable?

[belfastman]

Hi folks. I'm absolutely dying inside, barely able to cope and hoping someone can help me see a way out of the awful situation I'm in.

I've been with my wife for about 22yrs, married almost 15. She's the world to me as our my two precious children. Several years ago I suspected she was having an affair, in fact I knew she was but could never prove it. About 4/5 yrs ago I got proof which wasn't concrete so she lied and told me it was a drunken kiss. I found further proof a year or so later and she couldn't deny it. I forgave her, said we'd move on and that I promised never to bring it up again for fear of hurting her and living in the past.

Problem is as time passed I've never gotten over it and it's affected the physical side of our relationship. To me she's the sexiest woman in the world, I tell her all the time how beautiful she is and how much I love her. Problem is when it comes to sex I clam up and rarely make the first move. She's not particularly forward either, doesn't perform any foreplay on me so thinks that when she kisses me in bed, I'm to know when she wants sex. The whole affair thing really knocked my confidence and self-esteem and I could never bring myself to be that confident guy in bed who has all the sex he wants with his wife.

So as a result, over the last few yrs my wife has sad how it's made her unhappy and I needed to change. I could never bring myself to tell her why I was lacking confidence and afraid to make love to her as much as I wanted until just last week. A number of things brought it to a head and I finally plucked up the courage to say what was bothering me. Since then life has been a nightmare.

Getting that burden off my chest was literally life changing. For yrs carrying this hurt around and not being able to tell her has torn me up inside. Telling her I almost instantly felt different, more confident and ready to tackle life. However, she now feels that she can't go on any longer, that she's given me all the chances and can't understand how with one conversation I will be different from now on.

I probably did what I should not have done and broke down when she said she didn't want me anymore, she wanted to split and for me to take a few days to find somewhere else to live. I really went to pieces big time and cried like a baby for hrs. I begged her not to do this, promised her things would be different but she said she feels nothing for me anymore.

The next day, just yesterday, I was still devastated, went out for a drive and again cried my heart out, literally shouting out that I wanted to die. Then I had a turn around. I thought no f**k this, this is my life. So I came home, held her and told her I wasn't going anywhere and would win her back. Last night in bed I asked her if I could hold her and she was ok with that and we cuddled as we fell asleep.

I really don't know where I am now or exactly how to play it with her. Do I give her space, play it cool and risk her thinking I no longer care or am making an effort? I'm really rubbish at pretending and am the kinda guy who wears his heart on his sleeve.

Thank you if you've taken the time to read this and are offering help, it is greatly appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

YOu guys need to talk - that's the only solution. Either just the two of your or via Relate or some similar organisation. Why did she cheat all those years ago? That's the big question.
Good luck.