How do I get some confidence back?

[schueys_girl]

Hey guys this is kinda related to my other post. To sum up: boyfriend finished with me suddenly in February. Had no contact and then he came after me in July saying he regretted it and still loved me. So I have given it a go again.

My problem is as I said in the other post, i am just so scared of him finishing me again. i know i need to let go of the past and enjoy my time with him but I really dont know how to. I dont know where all this lack of confidence has come from but I hate it when he goes out with his friends (even tho I dont tell him so) and I know he should go out with his friends and it shouldnt be an issue, but it just is! I know he wouldnt actually cheat on me or anything I just dont know where this insane jealousy has come its just the thought of other girls LOOKING at him! Which is so silly I know!

I never ever used to have such issues, i didnt have anything like this when I was with him before, I mean for some of our relationship last time I was away at university and he came up to me at weekends so I didnt even see him in the week. But now all of a sudden for some reason I have this STUPID idea that if i dont see him for a day he wont come back to me. And if i dont hear from him for a while he doesnt love me anymore. The stupid thing is i know how irrational and silly this is I just dont know how to stop feeling this way.

The reason im writing this now is because ive been being silly all day, worrying because he hasnt rung me from work (which i know he cant really do because he is so busy and doesnt even have a lunch break) so how silly is that?! and worrying because he is going the pub 2nite with his friends because I am working. This is all so silly i just wanted all of your excellent advice because this isnt like me at all i want some self confidence back and i want to be able to stop worrying because it really is destroying me

Thanks guys, hope your all ok -x-

[Zinthar]

Hey, I'm not sure if I'm in the best position to give advice, cuz my girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I was absolutely crushed. But now I've started getting my confidence back -- partly by reading about what others have gone through and knowing that I'm definately not alone in the way I feel, but mostly by hanging out with friends whenever I can, going out, and going to the gym. We lose confidence because we fear rejection. We feel down and not worthy of being loved if the object of our desire rejects us -- but nothing could be farther from the truth.

You are someone worth loving and deserve to be with someone who will love you as strongly as you love them. And if he's not that man, there is someone out there who is and this guy isn't worth your time. If he is, you guys should be able to communicate that to each other and be clear about how you feel for each other.

I don't know if I'm right, I haven't been through too many relationships, and these things are always complicated -- but there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

[kronos51]

Well that seems perfectly natural to me. Since you were confident about the relationship the first time he broke up with you proving that confidence misplaced, you now lack a basis to build confidence off of. You know that everything was fine before and you still got dumped, so youre naturally worried that no matter how good things are now he could still dump you again, with no indications.

This is a problem I had at one point with my girlfriend, and required communication and time to fix. She broke up with me (kinda) and immediately started "seeing" another guy, and even though that was over within a weekend and we worked through it and got back together, I still wasnt confident. I forced myself to ask her more (even though I feared I would dredge up some deep desire in her to end it still) and we worked through some deeper issues (actually having a 3 week breakup to give her some space to think without feeling pressured by her desire not to hurt me) and now everything is great. We're back together and I know that the things that caused her to doubt our relationship previously are dealt with and gone, and I have a basis to believe that everything can be okay.

Try talking to him about it, and if you find everything is dealt with and you still arent quite confident, just give it some time. After a while you will be able to accept again that he wants to be with you and isnt going to dump you out of the blue again.

Cheers, and good luck

[blackiesharley]

Hey, I'm not sure if I'm in the best position to give advice, cuz my girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I was absolutely crushed. But now I've started getting my confidence back -- partly by reading about what others have gone through and knowing that I'm definately not alone in the way I feel, but mostly by hanging out with friends whenever I can, going out, and going to the gym. We lose confidence because we fear rejection. We feel down and not worthy of being loved if the object of our desire rejects us -- but nothing could be farther from the truth.

You are someone worth loving and deserve to be with someone who will love you as strongly as you love them. And if he's not that man, there is someone out there who is and this guy isn't worth your time. If he is, you guys should be able to communicate that to each other and be clear about how you feel for each other.

I don't know if I'm right, I haven't been through too many relationships, and these things are always complicated -- but there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think I've ever read a better post. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, and it will be worth waiting for. You might meet him tonight, you might meet him next year but there IS a guy out there that will love and appreciate you.

As for the confidence issue, it takes a LOT of work (I know personally) to hold your head up. What's helped me is to look at the positive aspects of my life and concentrate on other things IE: Go to the gym, get a suntan, finish the book, buy some new clothes, fix up the house a bit, etc., but at the same time keeping my eyes open for that 'special one.' She'll come, she's out there, probably longing to meet a guy like me.

Chin up!

[schueys_girl]

Thanks for your replies guys they've been very useful to me. I guess its all down to me getting confidence in myself so I know that if it happens, there is life without him again. Zinthar i hope your feeling better about the split if you need a chat or anything Pm me Anyone else got anymore advice? Hope your all ok -x-

[Zinthar]

I really think confidence comes down to just hanging out with friends and going out and having fun and just in general, not sitting around and thinking about him and feeling bad about being alone. Thanksgiving break hit right after my gf broke up with me and when I went back home I just felt like sleeping all day and doing nothing -- it was absolutely miserable. But now I've been seeking to hang out with friends more and even little things like talking on these forums to people in similar situations feels so much better than just sitting around and wondering what my ex is doing or if she is ever thinking about me. Tonight I'm gonna go out with friends, drink just a little, and go to a club -- I doubt I'll feel like asking anyone to dance, but it'll still be a good time.

schueys girl, I added you to my MSN messenger contact list, and I also have AOL instant messenger if you use that. If you want to talk sometime, feel free to message me (I'll add my contact to the profile) -- I'm finding it's always better to talk to someone rather than sit around and spend your time wishing you could be with the person you want to be with.

[DownWithLove]

Please, go out and get the book "Why Men Love Bitches". The title is misleading. It's really not about being a "Bitch" at all. It will help give you a boost of confidence and a way to think clearly when you are distraught. It is in most bookstores in the "relationship" section.

Also, definitely go out with friends when he is not around. Make yourself. You'll be glad you did and it will make you feel stronger. BUT, do things with friends that will not jeopardize your relationship. Single friends can sometimes be a bad influence. It's hard to go to a bar, be a little drunk, and think clearly about not doing anything to jeopardize your relationship. Especially when you are feeling unsure about is or your girlfriends are encouraging you. Just stay away from that situation to be safe.

Please, please, please... get the book. Read it when you are feeling down. It will help you be stronger.

[Jenrick285]

Eh? As someone said before its quite normal...
Fact is, you got ran over. Takes a little time to recover from that, for any person.
As for your relationship with him, sounds like you are very insecure about things between you and him, and thats where the "clingy" episodes are happening.
I agree with Downwithlove in that, men and women like challenges, are we more attractive to the person asking us "Who you with, why didn't you call . ." or the ones that go "Not now, maybe later"? I'll stop babbling now.
I would definitely start going out with your friends more and go back to having your own friends, your own stuff to do, ya know? before you two met and stuff?
I'm sure we've all been there, I've carried the tag of emotion carry boy more than once myself =)

[schueys_girl]

Wow thanks all so much for your help its much appreciated and i am definetly going to take your advice Downwithlove i will be looking for that book, maybe asking for it for xmas from someone hehe (im a student and very short on cash) thanks for adding me to your msn Zinthar i do sign on most days so I will be on there 2moro (im not im my computer at the mo)
thanks again to you all for the good advice, its nice to have people to talk to!
Much love to you all -xxxx-

[turbomx3]

Hey it's like this your still worried due to previous experiencies that's natural just try and chill. You are right don't stress him about your insecurities but don't be afraid to talk to him about them. It sounds like you feel pretty down on yourself! Don't! Especially if you got dumped with no signs no change in tempo it's natural for you to feel down. Like everyone else has said try and hang out with your friends when your not seeing him if he doesn't phone try and resist the urge to be all over his case. Maybe the impression of caring but not caring is going to be better than suffocating. I think your thinking on the wave length of: once bitten twice shy! Which is logical but it'll eat into you and then your relationship if he's cool he'll be able to understand the stuff you say just don't lay down little laws of texting back in x amount of time! Hey either way good luck to you and I hope it all works out.

[schueys_girl]

thanks man, ive been resisting calling him and stuff when i worry about him and stuff and im doing pretty well, and also ive realised that he pretty much calls me anyway, when he gets in from work each night, and he does it without me chasing him throughout the day with texts reminding/asking him to call me, so i didnt need to worry about stuff like that anyway! im going out with some mates 2moro and thursday so im trying really hard

[turbomx3]

It sounds like your pretty chilled now which is good! And it's good that your going to go out with your mates today and Thursday. It also pretty much sounds like your back on track (no more voices destroying your confidence) which is the best part! Sounds like your sorted! good luck!