Is it all in my head?

[wheeler]

Hiya everyone,

new to the site, never had to ask/write anything like this before as I've never let anyone in like I have with my girlfriend.

Few bits of info:
I'm 25, she's 21, been together for 11 months, lived together for 8 months (it was all very fast but worth it ), had 2 serious long term relationships before (both 2.5 years), never really 'played the field'.

Recently I've been getting a bit jealous over my girlfriend. When we go on nights out together, she always gets lots of attention from guys... alot of the time she'll end up talking to the guy for quite a while & it's made me feel like a spare part at times. When I've mentioned it and hinted that all I want is a bit of reassurance (cuddle, 'I love you' or maybe joke that the guy wasn't her type even if he was waaay hot, usually would do the trick for me) but she's always gotten all defensive and said I need to get over myself and that just because she's with me she's not going to stop talking to people and making friends etc. and I absolutely do NOT want her to feel trapped like that - I'd never try and control her like that.. It's just that if the situation was reversed then I'm positive she'd react in the exact same way.

But then one time a blonde girl came over and asked me if I wanted a dance (probably the only time anyone has ever 'blatantly flirted with me' EVER) at the exact moment my girlfriend walked back in from the toilets. I told the blonde girl I was with my girlfriend and I was sorry but with a smile/politeness... I didn't chat to her for an hour or buy her a drink or even go and approach her, but still it managed to make my gf feel really insecure - she mentioned it for quite a few days afterwards. Each time she mentioned it I gave her a cuddle, told her I was with her and don't want anyone else etc. and reassured her.

We had a big massive chat a few weeks ago and concluded that since we've got together we've both stopped doing things seperately (going out, doing things independently etc.) and that we need to nip it in the bud & start having time apart every now and again.

She's gone out to town with her mum last saturday for dinner and then drinks - I was really supportive and said I'd pick them up and take her mum home etc. It was absolutely awful. I managed 5pm until around 9pm just sat in the house trying not to txt her or think about what guys might be saying to her or touching her & stuff.... Then at around 10pm I just started winding myself up thinking that there's probably some healthier taller funnier fitter guy buying her drinks and I'm just sat at home alone with nothing to do.

She said they'd probably be ready by midnight - I picked them up at 4am and they were both absolutely wasted. Her and her mum always wind me up but they started talking about the guy she met who she fell in love with tonight, and "Shhhh don't say anything in front of him hahahaaaa" all very funny. I just smiled and played along as usual..

Then the next day - I know I shouldn't have done this and I am genuinely sorry - I had a quick look at her phone while she was in the shower. There was a message from a contact with no name, just the letter 'B'.. It didn't have any writing, just some picture of a guy. The only time I'd put a contact in my phone as a single letter would be if I maybe didn't want anyone to know who said contact is?

She's recently gotten back in touch with a guy who was in some of her classes in school - they were never friends in school but she's got a real soft spot for this guy (even I do, he's really quiet but funny and very cool/laid back). Last night I got home from working away in London - her phone ping'd and she said that this guy had txt asking if she wanted to go the pub tomorrow (friday). She txt back saying "just me or with my bf?" and he txt back saying "yeah both of you"... While she was out of the room I had a quick look at her phone again (SORRY! I'm not doing it again ever) and found that it was actually her who had txt him asking if he wanted to go to the pub, he said yes and then she txt back saying "just us 2 or with my bf as well"? He did say "yeah bring bf"... But why did she lie and switch the sides around?

I tried to approach these 2 things with her in a non argumentative way - I started by telling her that I loved her and that I do trust her, but when I get a little bit paranoid and it actually turns out that there was something to find on the phone which was different to what she'd said or which would make me think "who's that guy?".... needless to say she went banana's that I'd looked at her phone, that I'd never get my hands on it again (all this despite her asking me to leave my phone around more so she can check it if she's feeling a bit paranoid = me absolutely fine with this because there's nothing for her to find & if it puts her mind at rest then fine by me)...

The story about the guy on her phone was that she used to go to school with him and that she did know him, but she'd seen him out round town.

As for txting her friend but switching the story around, she said that she thought I'd end up being all grumpy with her? At that point I explained that that was the exact reason why I was asking about switching sides round - because if she feel she has to lie about tiny little things, I want to fix it because I want her to be happy and not have to lie! Also, it just erodes my sense of trust...

Anywho we made up and everything's ok and I do trust her... but then I saw that she'd become friends with the 'b' txt photo guy on facebook and when I had a quick look it says he's 31years old = 10 year age difference means it wouldn't be possible for them to be at school together? So why would she say that they were at school together when it's not really possible?

Is it because it's just some guy she's met out in town, flirted with, given him her number and then thought "oops it's not really appropriate, I'll just say its a guy from school?" - if so, I'd rather know the truth because although it would be hurtful and damage my trust, the lies and guessing game is more damaging to our relationship & my own state of mind...

When we first got together I had been seeing another girl very briefly before we met but it wasn't working out. My gf found a few messages and flipped out about it at the time - there was nothing going on & I had just forgotten to delete them, although I'd told her I hadn't been seeing anyone for quite a while (I wanted it all to be a fresh start). When that happened, the whole jist of our conversation was "Don't ever lie to me, just tell the truth even if you think I won't like it, because if you do lie and I find out, it'll break my trust in you".

And I agree - it's just a similar thing is happening now and I feel like she's trying to convince me that I'm being overly possessive or jealous whenever I try to talk to her about stuff like this.


Sorry for the huge long ridiculous post but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this and I want to fix all this stuff & make it work because I've never loved anyone like I do with my current GF. I do trust her but it's the tiniest little things like the above which are making me think "should I really be getting in this deep if there's a remote chance she's going to absolutely break my heart?"... Or is it all in my head and I'm being petty/pathetic?

Thanks in advance

[HeartIsAching]

I saw all sorts of bullshit going in there. You're lying to yourself, she's lying to herself, and you're both lying to each other.

Lets start with trust. You don't trust her, and she does not trust you. Period. Acknowledge that before you move on, because anything else is a lie. If you trusted her, you'd never have looked in her phone, you'd have no problem with her talking to people at the club, etc. If she trusted you, she'd have not have had any difficulty with the blonde that you turned away while she was in the restroom. You don't trust each other. Live with that fact. I'm not saying you don't have REASON to distrust her, but you don't trust her.

Looking into her phone YET AGAIN after having that discussion with her was proof of that. It's a form of abuse called "isolation". You're attempting to track her life through her phone. I wouldn't be surprised if you were going through her computer and trying to hack her email/social networking site passwords too.

Why would it be impossible for a 31 year old to have been in school with a 21 year old? I went back to school when I was 30 and had lots of kids in the 18-19 year old range in my classes.

[AMansView]

1: It's good that she gets attention, that means she's fine. 2: She should not be talking to other guys like that. 3: You two are young and still frisky so attention is a need 4: My advice would be to keep it a sexual relationship so your emotions don't get jacked. You might be scheduled for a huge heart ache in the future brah. I'm 41 been with my wife 18 nice years man. But heed my words.
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