Age Difference and Committment

[DickWallace]

I met my girl when I was 20, she was turning 29. At first, it was just for fun. She was actually my boss; never thought it would go anywhere. Well it did, very hard in fact. We connected on every level and fell deeply in love. I moved in with her and her 3 kids She told me to never feel obligated to care for them (i do help of course). I don't want kids, so this is perfect.

After being together for a couple years we encountered some humps involving our age difference. At a party, someone thought she was my mom; that really hurt. She's what you'd call a MILF I guess, but she's not aging very well. *slapped by several women* but hear me out. I'm 26 now and am socially active and fit. She on the other hand, is too tired to go out and so forth. I'm still attracted to her, but age is taking a tole on her body quickly, as did her 3 kids. When I'm with my other friends I think "man, i deserve a healthy, young and attractive woman too." It's a fact that men are very visual. I'm afraid in 10 years, I'll grow apart from her because I may not be attracted to her any more. "but my parents are 20 years apart!" i know but the time line can make a difference. like its more acceptable to see a 40 and 50 yr old together. I want to grow old WITH someone, not sit back and watch while my youth passes me by.

ok, well here's the kicker, here's where i REALLY screwed up. For years I knew she wanted to get married, but I just didn't. I don't trust myself to be committed as much as I'd like. She told me to NEVER propose to her and that shes content the way things are. Her grandma told her she didn't deserve a white wedding. Wow, this is my chance to make her dreams come true. So i bought her a fat diamond and popped the question. She cried, I cried and the next month was the most magical moment of my life. We work with animals so we were going to get married at the zoo. she bought a dress, visited the venus, was more attracted to me than ever. the glow on her face was amazing. but me on the other hand, was second guessing myself. i told myself "we've been together 5 years, being married won't be any difference except it's on paper." the happier she got, the more scared i got. i started having second thoughts. I was going to endure those doubts to make her happy. But soon she caught on and I couldn't hide how I felt any longer. She was crushed. Never seen a woman cry so hard before. We ended up just postponing it. Then, finally I admitted I didn't want to marry, I was just doing it for her.

I'm a very indecisive person, matter a fact, I just set up a meeting with counselor. One day I'll wake up happy and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Then the next day, I just want to leave her. I don't know why or what triggers this. We have a VERY stressful life. I run a small business and manage hers. I go to school now too. The 3 kids, tons of animals to take care for. Sometimes I crack and take it out on her, "you wanted these damn animals now I'm stuck caring for em and spending money on them. had we not spent $200 on animal supplies, we might have the money to pay our electric bill." that's just an example. her kids drive me nuts too, breaking things, don't do a thing to help out - they're 16 years old now, plenty old to do the dishes or vacuum. I can't picture myself living the rest of my life like this. I want her so bad, but not the baggage. I told her how I felt and she cried. Said I can't keep treating her like a yo-yo. First I want to marry, than I don't. I'm happy, now I'm not. I don't blame her. My own mother said she'd gave up on me a long time ago. "shit or get off the pot" is all i keep hearing. So she decided to let me go. I'm living with a friend right now and its the first day. This is a trial separation and she hopes I find what I want and prays it ends up being her. I'm in agony. My chest hurts beyond belief and I can't eat. It's not even been 24 hours since we split and I'm losing my mind. All I want is to hold her, but I'm afraid by weird brain will hurt her again. I don't know if I'm sad cause I lost a familiar way of life, or because I really can't live without her. I want to give it a week and see how it goes. What's really bad? I have to work with her tomorrow and not speak to her unless it's work related. I feel if I give her up I'll be making a huge mistake. But if I stay, I might be stressed 24/7 and hurt her again. Her would-be wedding dress is sitting in her closet, never to be worn. I emotionally destroyed this woman but she endures it to be with me; she loves me that much. I can't wait to get professional help and find out why I change my mind so much. I feel like I'm about to throw up right now, love literally hurts. It was so hard waking up this morning in an empty bed. Sorry so long, and feedback greatly appreciated.

[SelflessnHumble]

Would you like the truth? Or sugar coated bullshit that will make you smile? I'm going to go with the former...

Allow me to tell you (if you didn't know) how most women work: Sex = Love...Love =Commitment and Commitment means inevitable marriage ordained by the State. The End.
The fact is: You are a bullshitter plain and simple (now don't get too offensive bro) Most men bullshit and I used to be the used car salesman of relationship bullshit!

The truth is: You don't really want her: You just want a woman who is single, hot, puts out and has a flat head for you to put your beer on, sound about right?
These petty things like, oh, I don't know Children, bills, running her business as well as your own and animals are just majorly inconveniencing your life.

You *claim* you're in agony but this is what you really want, heck...You don't trust yourself to be committed (cowards also feel this way)
You KNEW she wanted marriage, and only proposed to her because you got punked by Grandma! I mean really dude? (I'll be damned if she tells me I can't do something) right? A challenge you
accepted...Except you didn't think it through (the common theme throughout your life) I suspect.

The conclusion:
There is nothing wrong with being a coward, not wanting to commit and being an indecisive person...
Just don't DO IT on someone else's meter running (emotionally, mentally and verbally) playing with her like some used toy at the neighborhood good will.
She's not a transaction you can return when you don't want it. She's a person with real feelings.

She is a sucker for being with someone who doesn't appreciate her, love her nor respect her.

You aren't a good planner: I hope you learn how to become one. For your sake and for hers.

The fact is: When you marry her: then you can tell her children how to act: vacuum and clean/wash shit.
They are her children, not yours...You might manager her business but it's her house, not "our house."
Another benefit of being married.

So, please tell me?
What was your childhood like, how was your relationship with your parents?
Anyone abandon/neglect you? Do you start projects you can't finish?

[Cinnabella]

This guy gave you a good advise :-), she has feelings and don't hurt her, certainly she will age fast and the thing like she looks Like your mum will be more obvious in the future :-).

[RikkiLee]

Man I am in same shoes as u, where I am treating my boyfriend like a yo-yo.
One day I am happy. And other, I can't stand him, and it stuffs his feelings, and I know it's not normal behaviour from me.
It drives me nuts, cos I never felt previously like this before. I started to carry these feelings last 12 months, we been together 3 yrs, and me too, I don't quite feel right about marrying this guy, but I do love him.
He is 8 yrs older than me, and so much frustrates me what he does, that would drive me insane if I stay.
He has gone really fat and I am not attracted to him as to when I meet him.
I want someone my age, fit and fun...
But it's so hard to let go, I don't know or understand why I am going through all this, same like you dude.
If anyone has some more answers, pls say...
It's terrible position to be in....50% love and 50% hate relationship....
I am afraid to marry this guy too, he tells me he wants to settle but I am not ready cos my inlove feeling is gone. But yet I am not strong to totally break up...I hate this feeling

[DickWallace]

Wow Rikki, can't believe someone else out there put themselves in a position like mine. The thing is, I'm still attracted to her and she's not a total lump or anything. She's pretty damn hot, she's an ex-stripper, short and very curvacious. I hate looking at pics of her when she was younger; my God she was a total knockout. "Why couldn't I have been with you then? Why couldn't those be MY kids that put those stretch marks there?" I guess because I'd been 10 years old and that definitely wouldn't work.

We still do things just not as often and I can see it declining steadily. Things are okay now, I just look so far ahead that I screw up the present. Part of me says to just enjoy the present and worry about the future when it comes, but I want to be prepared. Who knows, maybe I'll be old and lazy in five years and she go on a health kick or something. Uuggh, it's been two full days separated and I have to go to work with her in 30 minutes. I hope in a week I go crawling back to her, not being able to live without her, and gain the confidence I need to marry her. Because if I do decide to go back and she accepts, I'm all in this time; no more halfway shit.