Ethics vs love. Which one wins?

[JasonY]

Firstly, thanks to everyone for your input.

5 months ago I started dating a girl. During this time I had feelings that she was hiding things from me. Just small things. At first I just thought it's a privacy thing since afterall, it's still a young relationship. She's an international student so this Christmas, she told me she went back to her home country to spend the holidays with family. We kept in touch through emails while she was gone and when she came back I thought nothing of it.

I'm a computer science guy so I do computer things that normally don't interest other people. Recently, I was reading those old emails again and for some reason I decided to track those emails to their origin location just for the heck of it because of an article I read on the internet. I found out that those 30 odd emails originated from the otherside of MY country at a university. Meanwhile, in the emails she tells me that she's at her home country. I have reason (I won't go into detail here) to believe she has a relationship with another person on the other side of this country. Additionally, I believe that other guy is from her home town. He is or was also an international student studying here.

Edit: To be clear, she emailed me to tell me she was in China, but the email originates from the other side of my country. She did not go back to China at all. She went to another province in this country.

I confronted her about not going back home to her home town but she just kept denying it. However, I did not tell her that I know there is another guy involved. The evidence is mounting and it all points to the same conclusion. She has an existing relationship before we dated and I didn't know about it until now. The problem is that I love this girl but this moral dillemma is telling me that I can't do this. I would be lying to that other guy, this girl, and most importantly to myself if I kept it going. She always tells me she loves me but I can't help but think that one day I'll end up being in the other guy's position.

How do you pick between right, wrong, and love? Give up love or give up my ethics? Am I too naive to believe that she loves me and that she would give up that other guy for me? I feel that I'd lose all self respect if I just ride this out and hope that she does the right thing.

Thank you all for reading and giving input.

J

[sadie_genie]

So you found out she is sending lovey-dovey emails to her ex who lives in her home town? I would say confront her about it. All is far is love and war. Plus, if you are pretty sure that she is keeping another relationship while she is with you, then she has already broken the ethical rule. There would be no need for you to not do the same.

[cheeze_guy]

wow all i can say is make sure u are sure about what u say and are not just paranoid. and if u are 100 percent sure then back out as hard as that shit is normally when my heart tells me something i always go for it... prolly why i end up with a lot of trouble sometimes but keeps real people around me

[JasonY]

Hmm, maybe I didn't make my post clear. I'll edit it shortly. She told me she went back to her home town in China for Christmas but really, she went to Vancouver in this country.

[doppelgaenger]

Do you have any idea how incredibly easy it is to find the part of an email header with the sender's IP? You don't need a computer science degree to figure that one out, lol.

Anyway, you're incredibly paranoid. If you know another guy is involved, do the logical thing and end your pain with a mutual breakup. I think everybody deserves a minimal amount of security in their relationships and if you have the feeling that you're being used as a rebound, you certainly should get yourself out of that situation.

[sadie_genie]

How do you know she was there to see her ex?

[SelflessnHumble]

In relationships: there is no RIGHT/WRONG. People that view relationships like this: either WIN or LOSE...Which in itself is a joke..

Common sense tells us that love too abides by the same ethical principles that you hold in high regard.
I don't find based on what I've read that you love her: nor does she love you.

Your computer/science competency is no match for her illogical bullshit dude: you lose no matter what.

How do you pick between right from wrong and love?

(1) There isn't any love in this relationship
(2) To do the wrong thing goes against your ethics...Done.
(3) To do the right thing: is to tell her how you feel (in other words: the truth)

(4) Before you do this: you need to be 100% sure of your accusations...not just using hypothetical conjecture...If you cannot meet face to face: a phone call would suffice...

What to say? "(insert name), Look, I know you tell me you love me, and I am really wanting to believe this...there is something I should tell you..."

"Since I know a thing or two about computers" I looked up the header information pertaining to all of those emails you sent me and I discovered that you have been lying to me about where you really were."
"Since you've already denied this fact before: I won't press the issue any further than to just ask you WHY would you lie to someone you said you loved?" (then let her answer)
"While digging a little deeper into the rabbit hole I've also uncovered that you've been secretly hiding you having a relationship with another man while claiming to love me."

"Since I will not tolerate this bullshit I just wanted to let you know that you and I are over and that I do not want to ever see, nor hear from you again."
"There is nothing you can do nor say to make me change my mind because I don't want to be with lying, cheating, low self esteem women who use men whenever one or the another becomes available...

Good bye.

I have to ask: how do you know for certain she lied to you? What proof do you have?
Why in the world can you not talk to her on the phone, or have her video chat at a location that would prove where she would be?
Why would a computer science savvy guy not want proof of where she was outside of petty emails?

[Regnent]

Yikes. Dude, the fact that you went back and traced old emails tells me the only thing you're having a hard time with is trust.

If someone says their going to china, and you feel the need to check up on them, you don't have anything worth keeping. Whether they are in china, or boinking the next door neighbor.

[JasonY]

This is not an ex. I don't think it ever ended while I became involved. I know she didn't go back to her home town because I found photos of her in landmark places in my country at Christmas time this year. The photos were taken in the same place as where the email headers indicate. I don't think that's a coincidence. These photos have her and the other guy in them but nothing incriminating. The fact that she lied about her location is what bothers me. She would rather spend Christmas and new years with this guy instead of with me.

[Regnent]

The fact that you spend that much time 'just checking' concerns me.

You need to make a choice. You don't trust her. That's the -only- think you have any control over. Whether she's lying or telling the truth, isn't the problem.

If you don't trust her, either deal with it, or end it.

[BrianM]

Like others above said, you felt the need to check up on her. This isn't good. Even if you had found that she had gone back to China, which technically would have been good news, the bad news is that you had to investigate her claims. I understand that you're a computer science guy, but that isn't something people normally feel compelled to do.

You said in the beginning of your post that you felt she was hiding things from you. Young relationship or not, honesty and trust are crucial. Your relationship seems to be missing both in one form or another.

I would advise you to move on. You've confronted her, she's denying it, and doesn't know that you tracked the origin of the emails. I consider this a good thing. For now, you look paranoid to her. If you tell her you tracked her email point of origin, you risk looking like a stalker. Which will severely hurt your image if word gets out. Think long term here in terms of how you'll be perceived by those outside of your relationship if she runs off and tells people about your investigating.

Move on and find someone that you can trust. The answer is simple, but very, very difficult to do since you have feelings for her.

Best of luck.

[JasonY]

Thank you all for your input. Since my post, I have done more investigating. I found more evidence to know she has another guy in Vancouver. I'm going to find her now and will confront her about everything. It's over. I'm going to show her what I found. Now the question is, should I tell the other guy too? I am not one to take revenge on anyone, but I just feel that I'm obligated to tell him that I have been involved for the last 5 months.

[girl68]

The fact that's it's a one sided love obviously takes "love" out of the running so by default you go with your morals which are dump the hoe.

[girl68]

Leave the other guy out of it. Walk out and leave it alone.