cheated on an abusive boy friend.

[guiltndespair]

I cheated on my man. I know, it's a HUGE mistake. I did one night stand with a close friend (at another state).

Me and my bf: two years re/ship, but it's more of an "ON & OFF" one so clearly there are a lot of unresolved issues and we're not that compatible. However, we still want to try.

I can't sleep at night, having repetitive dreams where my bf discovered me cheating, and sometimes I resort to sleeping pills. Or else, I'd read lots of books just to get my mentality exhausted. I can't sleep because, there's a NEED to tell him the truth. But I can't, I'm scared. I love him, but we're in an abusive re/ship where we fight constantly, hardly compromise, and always resort to silent treatments. Besides, he is the "revengeful" type of man. There are times when people pissed him off, he'd think of evil ways or any spiteful solutions to attack.

And, there was once when we were separated (for about 3 months), he got so angry of me, slapped me on the cheek (after an argument), and then he told off my friends about my secrets. So, during that 3 months I had no friends and he felt good about it. You see, he knows my weaknesses. I WILL always go back to him despite the fact that he had hurt me so deeply. Rationally I feel so stupid, wanting to get out whilst, my heart has a soft spot for him and finding excuses for his actions.

Funny how we got back, but when I think about it.. I should have walked away instead. All these hatred, unresolved feelings, mental war had got me into doing something like this to him. I know my mistake isn't excusable, I feel remorseful and I do pray to God for forgiveness (cause I've no one to talk to) but I am so scared that he might hit me. Or, he'd find ways to get back at me.

Anyone please help me! Should I walk away? (Finding other excuses?) or.. I continue to NOT tell him what I've done.

After typing out, I feel so much better, it's been awhile I've let all my worries out to people.

[GK001]

Read this[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/50051-allowing-abuse-relationships.html"] thread[/URL] very carefully
pretty much outlines everything about girls taking it up the arse with abusive man because of this so called LOVE you feel.

you have a mental problem. recognize it before destroying your life.

[xxazurexx]

If you had an ounce of common sense, yes you would walk away...

But you won't, so why even ask?

[sweetkissesforu]

You will leave someday trust me when he beats you so bad that no one recognizes you
one day you will have children from him you want to protect
you need to decide for yourself
it may take years to rebuild yourself esteem
trust me ive been there im still trying to recover
i could tell you to smarten up that it wont work
that once he finds out you slept with another man could be what breaks this cycle
when it does there are shelters full of abused women just like you
that is if he dont kill you and trust me again there are women who do get beaten to death
Sorry if i was so harsh but girl you need it before this happens
it may be just a slap now and alienating you now it gets worse trust me

[BusyBee]

I agree with the others. Walk away a man who abuses you, will end up destroying you.

[HeartIsAching]

It took my wife 22 years to leave her abusive husband.

Sometimes I wish she'd just let me pound him. It would have been worth going to jail again.

[GK001]

If you had an ounce of common sense, yes you would walk away...

But you won't, so why even ask?

Its women like her who not only destroys her life but her child's life too.

Op: I've just dealt with one of your kind. you cant control your heart and feelings cos its too painful to walk away. unless you grow a brain, you'll fall deeper and deeper under his control. Tell your parents to hold you back tell your best friend to hold you back. you need lots of support from people you trust.
Built up your self-esteem by telling your self "i'll find a man who will get him self hurt rather then see me hurt and give me his all". If you got some one like that by your side don't let him go, hold on to him even if you don't have feelings. cos they don't come around too often in ones life and girls like you might not fall for them.

[sweetkissesforu]

Its women like her who not only destroys her life but her child's life too.

Op: I've just dealt with one of your kind. you cant control your heart and feelings cos its too painful to walk away. unless you grow a brain, you'll fall deeper and deeper under his control. Tell your parents to hold you back tell your best friend to hold you back. you need lots of support from people you trust.
Built up your self-esteem by telling your self "i'll find a man who will get him self hurt rather then see me hurt and give me his all". If you got some one like that by your side don't let him go, hold on to him even if you don't have feelings. cos they don't come around too often in ones life and girls like you might not fall for them.

Your kind is not any way to descibe her she is a woman who is being abused and it happens far more then any one can imagine and as for your other points i agree

[SelflessnHumble]

Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself..."Am I happy?" Only you can really answer this...

I think it's no, and IF it is no...then the next logical step: is to reclaim what YOU want: and discard
what you've been doing to take a horrible person back who uses abuse to keep you in his life...

You cheated: because you chose to.
Since you cheated, and you chose to...Choosing to leave a guy who hurts is called common sense.

It's conceivable you cannot reason with someone like this: and I understand that.
A slap, can turn into more frequent, and even deadly force you cannot predict...

Since you KNOW you bargain, and negotiate the (excuses) and reasons to stay....You know you need to find the reasons to leave!

It was wrong of you to cheat, no matter how bad he treated you because you are in a relationship...
All you have to do is to find the courage to leave him, and tell him you don't deserve to be treated in the way he does you...

You have us to talk to, God is NOT (I repeat) NOT going to:
-save you from this man
-give you the courage to stand up to this man...

^^^This all comes from YOU, not God.

First, you need to get your personal items out of the house.
Then you need to tell him you want to meet: (public place where people are) not alone!

Last, you tell him the truth....I find that since you don't want to be with him: I don't
think you need to tell him you cheated...but I still would (cause that's me) and I know that
sooner or later he will find out: and take it out on you.

You need to tell him his decisions to treat you bad have changed your decision to be with him...Period.
Even if you need to go to a woman's shelter, or a friends house: don't make ANY more excuses to stay.

If you do: you are no better than this man.

Truth: let's say you got a restraining order against him...
And after you serve him: you meet up with him....

Then he hits you again: The judge would laugh at you because you CHOSE to basically invalidate
the order all on your own (I know, been there, done that)

We have your support, BUT write out what you want, what he does to you, and what you cannot put up with...
Then tell him. Not in an angry way, but in an assertive, concerned way. You want out: GET out.

No excuses.

[xxazurexx]

You know, one thing I would \never' tolerate is an abusive man and because I grew up in a household where I witnessed my dad beat my mum a lot and unlike my mum I would never tolerate that shit from a guy. Swear to God, if a man every lifted a finger to me I'd have to pound something over his head....lol
Lucky for me, I grew up normal and despite what I saw.

My dad was a bit of a smoothie when younger, was also a womaniser and he also possessed the gift of the gob, a smooth tongue and he'd buy my mum expensive crap all the time, like rings, clothes, etc, etc. I guess he did that and to make up for the other shit he put her through. Took my mum 14 years to leave.

Why the hell women tolerate this type of man I don't know. All I can say is that some people must just enjoy being used as 'punchbags'.

When I will ask my mum why she stayed so long, she says that she had no place else to go with us 4 kids...

[sweetkissesforu]

You know, one thing I would \never' tolerate is an abusive man and because I grew up in a household where I witnessed my dad beat my mum a lot and unlike my mum I would never tolerate that shit from a guy. Swear to God, if a man every lifted a finger to me I'd have to pound something over his head....lol
Lucky for me, I grew up normal and despite what I saw.

My dad was a bit of a smoothie when younger, was also a womaniser and he also possessed the gift of the gob, a smooth tongue and he'd buy my mum expensive crap all the time, like rings, clothes, etc, etc. I guess he did that and to make up for the other shit he put her through. Took my mum 14 years to leave.

Why the hell women tolerate this type of man I don't know. All I can say is that some people must just enjoy being used as 'punchbags'.

When I will ask my mum why she stayed so long, she says that she had no place else to go with us 4 kids...

I also was raised in a abusive home and i ended up in relationships that were abusive it has to do with these peoples self esteem i say people b/c there are men out there that get abused also which it is harder for them

[xxazurexx]

I also was raised in a abusive home and i ended up in relationships that were abusive it has to do with these peoples self esteem i say people b/c there are men out there that get abused also which it is harder for them

Thing is, it can take some time also and for an abuser to reveal his true colours. I dare say my mum would have never married my dad, had he laid a finger on here before they married. Like I said, my dad was a pretty smooth talker and he is a sociable guy, great sense of humour, very ambitious and he's really well liked with lots of friends. He wooed my mum with gifts, etc, etc. Course, my mum fell for him and they married pretty quickly. It was after they were married his true colours were revealed.
Or maybe there was 'red flags', but she failed to take notice...

Oddlly enough though, my mum also grew up in a household where my grandad was very very strict and she witnessed a lot of abuse.

Me though, I turned out different and I've never been in a relationship with an abusive man. Most of my partners were all 'teddy bears'....lol

[HeartIsAching]

I also was raised in a abusive home and i ended up in relationships that were abusive it has to do with these peoples self esteem i say people b/c there are men out there that get abused also which it is harder for them

Me too, though it was my mom, not my dad. She wasn't physically abusive with my dad, but she is very emotionally and mentally abusive with him and us, and physically abusive with us. I know where I get it from, and I am actively trying to eradicate it, but it's basically going to be an ongoing process for the rest of my life. My wife knows about it and understands, and knows that sometimes I'm going to say something that's ****ed up and then 5 minutes later I'm going to say "know what, babe? I owe you an apology".

[SelflessnHumble]

I think we've all endured some kind of abuse whether it was due to environment or via our parents.
I don't think anyone is *ready* to be a parent and these people can only base what they do NOW on what they endured THEN...

A mother/father who never affirmed their for their child in ways a child (I feel needs) like touch: can
create a bad environment for their children so they grow up feeling neglected/abandoned on top of abuse can
yield some pretty awful traits we as children can learn from and develop while putting our own flair to it.

I find that at one point: we all have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, "Now that I am an adult...am I going to allow
what was done to me...and how I chose to react: to dictate the rest of my life?" <-------This is what damaged people need to realize.

[xxazurexx]

Me too, though it was my mom, not my dad. She wasn't physically abusive with my dad, but she is very emotionally and mentally abusive with him and us, and physically abusive with us. I know where I get it from, and I am actively trying to eradicate it, but it's basically going to be an ongoing process for the rest of my life. My wife knows about it and understands, and knows that sometimes I'm going to say something that's ****ed up and then 5 minutes later I'm going to say "know what, babe? I owe you an apology".

I have to admit that I do possess a bit of a short fuse. And sometimes I will say stuff and then 5 minutes later I 'm feeling a right bitch and I apologise. I'm the type who can argiue one minute, then forget it ever happened the next. Is that fcked up?? lol