I get the impression he is belittling me

[BusyBee]

Hello everybody, I have a little issue I'd like to discuss. Now I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm 33, he is 44. We get ony really well, have similar interests and all, but I keep getting a funny feeling about some things. Like this morning, we were on the train to work and were discussing the fact that he still had a few problems with computers and all of the sudden, he was telling me how good his ex girlfriend was with graphics and doing designs and that she'd taken 1 year evening courses in it and that she was a real artists. Now, I have taken graphics as part of my masters so and my first reaction was to say hello are you saying that I'm crap. I even stopped myself from saying, get back to her and ininstead said, well I have studies it full-time and he said oh no it's not the same. She can paint as well.What is he doing with me then if she was that fantastic? I mean, I only work full time as a international event organiser, speak 7 languages fluently and am completely indepenant. No, Mrs. can paint.

What do you think?

[sweetkissesforu]

You have to learn to pick your battles when he says these things say oh how nice hun if he is trying to get a reaction lol not the one he would expect trust me this will work after awhile he wont bring it up

[girl68]

He's either not over her or you're looking too far into this and he's just telling you about his life. Though maybe a boundry talk is in order. Tell him you'd prefer to not hear about ex's.

[BusyBee]

Well, what I tried first is to avoid getting annoyed about it and say, yes painting is nice. But then he kept going on and on about it about how she was a great painter, how free she was and all. You know, what really does annoy me is that since I'm young I've had to work hard to get anywhere. My father left my mum when I was 6 with 3 children. To help my mum I took charge of the other two so she could go back to school. When I was older I helped her translating some of the documents as my mum only speaks French. We never had much money, we struggled at the end of months to get food. We got chucked out of our rented houses quite a few time and I swore to myself that I would get studies and a job so that would never happen to me.I worked nights full-time to pay for my studies, I was careful with every cent. And then I get told that some bloody daddy's girl who has never worked and still lives at home can paint. He said he admired her for being free. Easy to be free when you don't have to pay for bills, isn't it?

[reeba]

Geesh. Talk about the jealousy monster. Is this professional jealousy or is it 'the ex' jealousy? You need to take a step back, calm down, and reread these posts. You are not acting like a rational person.

Keep acting like this he wil be thinking his ex had a nicer demeanor AND she could paint. Time to leave and go back after her.

You are obviously a very competitive person professionally. So what if you can't paint. You don't need to paint to be a graphics artist. And you don't need to paint to be a good gf or to gain his admiration. You are blowing this way way out of proportion.

[vashti]

At first, I was going to say that maybe he still harbors some feelings for that woman, but then you posted again, and lost my sympathy. Do you somehow think he should only appreciate YOUR talents?

I also admire people who are free, but like you, I grew up poor, and with a disproportionate amount of responsibility. So what? Life is all about how gracefully you handle whatever challenges you've been given, and you don't seem to be rising to the occasion.

[BusyBee]

No, I don't think he should only appreciate my talents, you got that wrong. What I meant was, I admire him for example becos he play the organ and piano fantastically, he is loving and caring and he is fantastic with his son (which he had from his marriage).

What I was trying to say, and maybe I expressed myself the wrong way, is that I have never heard him say anything nice about me at all, I was trying to join in on what he was saying and he just dismissed me, which was hurtful.

I admire people who reach their goal in life and don't give up but I don't think i should be dimissed for having different goals, do you?

[BusyBee]

As for jealousy, I don't think it is, I have no problem with him talking to other women, but frankly, I'm not very keen on hearing constantly about how fantastic his ex was, what would you feel like.

I get a crisis each time, I speak to a work colleague and he sees me, last week we were invited to his sister-in-laws birthday and there was a French speaker there who didn't speak a word of English and as French is my mother tongue I went to talk to him, I got told I was flirting whereas I was imagining how awful it must feel if you don't speak the language and are left standing.

[Regnent]

He might well be belittling you a little. But seriously, it's not going to go any where but downhill when you engage him in such comments.
Tell him you don't appreciate the ex comments, then do your part and don't enable the situation by being defensive.

Hell, if you need to say something, say 'That's great, I hope she enjoys it.' Don't be snarly or hostile about it. But let it go after that.

If it's a harmless unfiltered comment (not appropriate to chat about ex's if your partner isn't comfortable), then it should end there.
If he's -trying- to belittle you, being possitive and non-defensive will make the effort pointless.
Belittling, controlling, manipulation are all forms of bullying, and nothing takes away the feeling of power like a positive response.

As to feeling appreciated, yes, he should, but appreciation should start with you. You don't need him to appreciate what you've done, or are doing to feel good about it.

He's in his 40's, and possibly feels the need to keep you in your place. If this is the case, don't bank on that changing.

[BusyBee]

Right, I think I got it, I leave comments like that alone, do like I don't notice them and leave it alone.

Not one of my qualities but I'll try. As for changing him, I know you're right, but I?m also not changing to become a impassive little grey thing.

Thank you all.