Going nowhere slowly

[Dubular]

This story starts six years ago....
In eighth grade, a girl whom I will refer to as Bobo, asked me out. We had always been good friends, but I was not a popular guy, so I thought she was just joking. I also had a crush on another girl, so even when I found out she wasn't joking, I never pursued anything.

Fast forward six months, we're still good friends, and I develop feelings back. I'm not that confident a guy today, and was exponentially worse back then. I didn't know how to go about it.

Fast forward two years, she's had two different boyfriends that didn't last, it's junior year and prom is coming around. I want to ask her, but again I'm too shy, and another guy does. She says yes to him. I later find out that he asked her three times, and she originally said no because she was waiting on me.

Fast forward another six months, Bobo starts talking to a guy, who is, in simplest terms, not a good guy. I'll refer to him as Cole. He was heavily into drugs, dropped out of school, etc. They end up dating for a long time, all the while Bobo and I stayed good friends.

College comes, and we go separate ways. Before we leave for college though, she makes me promise we'll still stay in touch. I agree. A few months later, her boyfriend cheats on her, and they break up. We didn't talk a whole lot till the summer, when we worked together back home. However, her ex starts working there, and they get back together. For the summer they date again, until in the fall he leaves for a job three states over. They break up again, and I assumed she had moved on. I never really talked to her about it.

Then this past October she invited me down for Halloween. We ended up drinking a lot, and the whole night we walked around holding hands. I was somewhat surprised but delighted, and at the last party we went to, we kissed. When we got back to her apartment, I just assumed I would sleep on the couch, but as I started walking towards it, she told me to come upstairs and sleep in her bed. I was very drunk by this point and my mind is racing. When we crawl into bed however, Cole calls her. When she tells him I'm laying beside her, he gets upset and tells her she is destroying her life. I have to laugh because here I am, in college with a great scholarship, and a high school dropout is saying this. Anyways, he continues to yell at her, and eventually she passes out on the phone. I try to sleep, but he continues sending texts berating her. Eventually though, I do get to sleep.

The next morning, she wakes up early, and is upset when her friend tells her that we kissed. I was surprised but I didn't really know what to say. We spend the next hour or so watching tv, until the rest of my friends I came with make it back to the apartment and I leave. She barely acknowledges me when I leave.

A few days later on facebook, she tells me that she can't trust me not to take advantage of her when she's drunk. I'm completely taken aback by this, and we get into an arguement, and she eventually admits its not my fault.

We didn't really talk again until Christmas break. When I did finally see her, the first thing she says is "Do you want to kiss me?" I knew it was a test, so I said no.We talked for a little while, and then the party moved. At the second party, we've both been drinking for awhile, I dare her to ask any single guy there if they want to kiss her, and see if any say no. At first we were having fun with it, but when guys kept saying yes, I could tell she was a bit upset. She avoided me the rest of the night, and I didn't see her for the rest of break.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. I had been planning to visit another friend that goes to the same college she does, but as I was on the way, he tells me that he won't be able to hang out till later. So I call her up and tell her I'm on the way. She seems excited, and says she'll be there. However, when I get to her apartment she is gone and isn't answering her phone. I end up walking to my other friend's apartment (I had locked my keys in my car). I partied with him, and in the morning he dropped me off at her apartment. As I'm about to call AAA, she walks out with some friends, and invites me to breakfast, so I go. I'm hung over, so I was out of it most of the morning. We get back to her apartment, and I call AAA and get my car unlocked. She asks if I have to go right away, and if I wanna stay and watch a movie with her. The movie turns out to be a romantic comedy. As she goes to sit on the couch, I walk over and sit down, and she immediately turns and sits in the chair. After the movie we sit and talk for awhile, and as I get up to leave, I make an offhand comment about my phone charger in my car not working. She thinks her roomate has a charger that will work, if I can stay a little longer. So I say sure, and at this point she is laying on the floor. I extend a hand to help her up, and I saw her hand twitch for a second, but then she just said "No" and pushed herself up.

The charger fits, and as I'm waiting, she tells me about the roses I had seen earlier on the table. Cole had sent them, 3 dozen to be exact, along with a card saying how he loves her. She says she likes them, but that she hates them, and rips one apart. I leave, but not before noticing a coloring book page that says "Cole+Bobo" (but real names) on it, hanging on the wall.

So here I am, still confused as to where our relationship stands. Obviously she still has feelings for Cole, though I know she's not happy about it, and I know that he still calls her from time to time. I also feel like she has feelings for me, but she is for some reason holding back. I'm guessing because of Cole. But what can I do? The guy lives three states away and even though she broke up with him, his actions prevent her from moving on. Even putting aside my feelings, I hate to see a friend in this situation. Any advice? Thanks to whoever takes the time to read all this, I realize I tend to write a lot.

[milocher]

Cole isn't preventing Bobo from moving on because of his actions. Bobo is preventing Bobo from moving on. My advice? Keep your distance, reeeeally keep your distance. The two of you have gone months without talking if I understand that right, so what's the problem? You seem like a level heading guy, so trust what your heads been telling you for the most part, don't get involved. Her choosing to be with this Cole character says more than enough about her if you ask me. Put your energy elsewhere mate. Everything going back years and years is meaningless by the way, despite our tendencies to hold onto things like that, it's pointless and means nothing today.

You're asking the wrong question by the way, it doesn't matter 'why' she's treating you the way she is, she just is. Look at the situation TODAY. Girl obviously has some issues, and is playing with you for 'whatever' reason. That's honestly all you need to know, move on! Keeping her in your life and at arms length isn't too difficult to do either. Let me know if you need help with any specifics and I hope my reply shed some light.

-M

[Dubular]

A few things to note, I found out Saturday she had lost her phone, thats why she didn't answer. Also, I bring up all the history between us to show that she isn't just some random girl I met at a party.

We don't usually go months without talking. The time between Halloween and Christmas this last year was probably the longest, since we had gotten into that argument. We actually started talking more than usual over the last month, and I won't pretend it didn't factor into my decision to visit my other friend at her college.

I understand what you are saying, and I realize she is holding on. But I also see her resenting him more and more for it. I'm hoping in the next few months things get better, and I'm planning on asking her if she wants to be my date for my brother's wedding this summer, but I'm really not sure how that would go over....