A bit about me

[Lostin]

First off, this is the first time I have been on a forum based on relationships, so I want to say thank you to the admins for one having this place and to the people that frequent this forum for advice.

I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will start from the beginning as this might seem a bit more like a blog, and I apologize if this seems a bit discombobulated or rambling at times.

Currently I am a 26 year old male (27 in a month) and might be going through a "quarter life crisis". I find myself to be very physically fit, active, and overall like to take care of myself and anyone within in "circle". I've always been that guy, that people can vent to and try to fix anything I can (mechanically or emotionally). I have never been afraid of women, but always have been very "picky" about who I date or "bring home to mom" (so to speak). This has always been my M-O through my years and still continues to this day. Currently I find myself in a dead end job, but got my Bachelors in a niche field at a very repituable university and am currently almost done with my MBA (December). I know my current career is not my long term path and am hopeful that I have many more good years ahead of me in something other than I am in currently.

Enough about me, as I feel there was too many "I's" starting off those previous sentences. That is obviously not that entirity of me, but at least will let you into a bit of who I am.

Onto the other half of me, my wife. I met my wife at our university (both alumni now) and started dating about 2 years into school. She was cute, but what really attracted me to her was mind, as she was an engineering student with a bright future ahead of her. I could talk to her about all my engineering and technical stuff and we were able to have an intelligent converstion. It helped she was cute, but it wasn't the "OMG, hubba hubba" reaction to her physically. We dated for awhile and after about 1-1.5 years she said the "L" word. It was not immediatly recripricated by myself, and being a 21-22 year old I thought..."maybe this is L". About a week and half later, we started to both say "we love each other". Our last year in school (5th year) we moved into a place together and about 6 months from graduating I proposed. We planned out after college together, as well as the wedding. About 3 months into the engagement she had a fight with her mom saying she needed to treat me better because I was a "great guy" of which the outcome was she gave me back the ring and was in tears. This is when I go into my "fix everything" mode, we talked about it and she took the ring back.

We planned our wedding about 2 years from our engagement (gave us time and money to save), but decided to secretly wed at a courthouse about 1 year from engagement (exact same day as our soon to be wedding date) for the "benefits". I feel that is should have been one of my major red flags, if not many more smaller ones before. Our wedding was great for the family, friends, etc... and was a great time.

Now for the not so great part, my rants or comments. When we were planning our lives after school we settled on her taking a great job with a great company and great pay! While I would take another job (current dead end career nothing to do with my degree or passion) that would help with bills, student loands etc...Never once have I regreted this as we both have jobs in this economy and are able to pay our bills on time. I am always a "glass half full" sort of mentality. After our wedding and the "honeymoon stage" we are running into issues. She has always had issues with weight even when dating and yo-yo's back and forth. She has lied to me about money and her spending (currently racked up $16k in debt on CC's) a lot of which without my spending, because she is a very number oriented person and I gave up the books to her.

I was raised in my family by one of my parents being a financial planner, and ever since I was young it was never spend more than you have. I have one CC in my name, just to have it and have always been good about planning out purchases and forgoing thing if needed to pay bills. Once I found out about the debt, in a tearful ommision by the spouse about how deep we currently are in due to a lot of frivilous spending, I instantly said no to any large (>$100) without eachothers consent. I should have seen this coming much sooner, but again kind of went on my merry way sort of thing. One day we got a delivery to the door (addressed to her), I didn't think much of it and never open her mail. It was large print phots she ordered of a couple's photo shoot we did several months before. When I asked "how much?" it was a sheepish look of "oh, about $200". I was miffed a bit, but ok $200 is not "That bad" but we still need to work towards this.

The next morning I get up at 5AM to go to the gym (only time I can go to free up my nights for school, life, and my business i'm starting). One the kitchen counter, out in the open was the receipt for the pictures. Never would I have snooped to find it, but since it was out in the open, I decided to glance. It was for $475! I bundled up the emotions I was expressing, and had a great workout BTW, and thought about how to say something to her the rest of the day. The next morning I mentioned seeing the receipt out in the open and exactly how much it was. Her reply was "Well, you don't need to know everything!". I was hurt. Not knowing how to respond I just shook my head and basically bottled it up. She knows this bothered me and never has revisited this topic. I figured this was something that WE were working on getting the debt down, and that WE would solve, but this kind of opened my eyes to this might not be a team effort.

Her family has a history of depression and I find that she has started to find herself going through depression since this summer. She has moments that can last for days that she essentially "shuts down" and is in a haze about it. She has admitted several times, early on, that she needs to see help. It has gone as far as her asking a friend (husband is a therapists) for names of drs and places to go to talk, etc... Nothing more has happened. I have brought it up several times and mentioned that I can not go through life like this, and that she needs to see someone or we might not "last". She says she has been "better" about the depression as of late, and she has a bit, but I find myself always stepping on eggshells not knowing what might set her off or send her to a deep, dark place.

I know she loves me, but I have never been 100% sure I love her (still to this day). I find myself kicking myself for not seeing the flags, or possibly not taking a step back and evaluating where I am and if this is the path I want to go down. She is not a bad person, but I started evaluating where I am in life and am I "happy" about a year ago"? I have never found an answer to that I am, but everything seems to point to the other option.

Last night, she asked me if she "turns me on still". I had difficulty answering this question truthfully, as I hate to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't think she ever truely "turned me on" and no with the "other issues" I find myself really not attracted to her. I know this is not the way I should be going through life, but value what marriage is and what it stands for. No one in my family has ever gotten a divorce (a couple called off engagments, but that is it) and I don't want to be the first for the shame and hurt it might bring my family.

I am not looking for a pitty party or a "you are a horrible person". I find that maybe writing this down might give me some release. I know there is a lot more to the story and I realize I have written an incredible amount, but perhaps I can find solace that other people might be able to relate to me and my story.

Thanks for your understand, and I might add more as it comes to me and re-read the possible "rambllings" I just spewed out.

Lostin (my head? Heart? both?)

[IncognitoSir]

If you're wondering why no one has responded to you, I'm about 95% certain its because of the small book of a post you made. You're gonna have to shorten it up or something. Cliff notes, something.