Please Help! I'm A Confused MESS!

[JustInTime]

My boyfriend of a year and I just moved in together last month. We were so happy, and then it all came crashing down and I can't even focus on my new job or anything and am a complete disaster at the moment. Any insight or advice would be so helpful.

Here's the situation:

In the past month my boyfriend's new, hot female boss has been blatantly hitting on him in front of me. I'm a secure person, but he has a history of being promiscuous and a bad past relationship track record (not a cheater though IMO), so... As this friendship between he and his boss progressed we talked about it. He agreed she comes on to him but claimed to be just going along with it to fit into a new place and get the good shifts. We laughed about this, it went on for a while longer. One day after she was particularly all over him something snapped inside of me and I snooped through his stuff. I found out some stuff he had blatantly lied to me about from before we started officially dating.

Anyway, we fought for weeks after that. Secrets came flying out of the closet, it was heated, and got ugly. I didn't think it was anything to break up over, just that we needed to get it all out and reach a new level of trust and friendship. I wanted to work through it so we could put it behind us and be happy again, and was often the one to initiate the talks in hopes that one would be productive enough, while he shut off emotionally and just got angry. He finally broke up with me.

Right before this happened HE was planning our wedding and future. Now he says he "needs space", "loves me but is no longer in love with me", "needs some time to be on his own", and every other cliche in the book.

The worst part is we have to live together for financial reasons for at least 3 more weeks. And NOW he is backsliding. NOW he's saying maybe he was just angry and overreacted, and that maybe we just need separate apartments but to remain a couple, and that he doesn't know if he wants to throw everything away for this but can't be sure if he'll feel the same way again. All that sort of second guessing stuff.

What would you do? Maybe an outside perspective would help a lot. Thanks!

[AirbenderAang]

How old are you two? It sounds like you are both kind of young.

Here is one big question. Why did he want to marry you? "Being in love" is not a reason to get married. You need that feeling of love, but you also need something more that will serve as a bond when you aren't feeling good about the other partner.

If I were you, I would ask him why he wanted to marry you. Then you hope that he says a lot more than just "I love you or I was in love with you." I wouldn't pressure him because the goal is not to try to one up him. The goal is to try to activate the positive non lovey dovey crap that is the real reason that people stay together. I would see what he says because marriage is a pretty big deal.

Also, it sounds like you have a pretty big communication problem. It is a bad sign when only one partner initiates "discussions". He seems conflict avoidant, meanwhile you are emotionally volatile.It is like oil and water. Your styles do not naturally mix. Yet it is so common for oil and water to try to mix. Often we are unconsciously attracted to people who are exactly the type of personality that will cause us the most trouble/hurt.