This is a white lie, but I needed to make a point

[Kaius]

Sorry for this lengthy post. I need to tell the back story, which is very relevant.

So my fiancee and I are to be married this November. I have been somewhat stretched thin financially, due to the divorce and my lower-paying job. I still bought her a $20,000 engagement ring (that's another story). I pay ex-wife $2,000 per month alimony and $3,000 per month child support (2 kids). I pay $400 a month for a cleaning lady to clean my fiance's house once a week.

Last year, when I lost my job, and my fiancee's deadbeat husband stopped paying support, I gave her $15,000 to carry her over until she can figure something out. She's not working because she has 2 small kids, and she takes classes. When she decided to sue her ex, I gave her $5,000 for legal fees.

That's the back story. She knows that what I make now, which is 35% less than before I lost my job, barely makes ends meet. I have to pay rent for my small 1-bedroom apartment, utilities and food. We took a nice Disney weekend during Christmas, plus all the kids' presents, I was out another $5,000. I was beginning to feel the pinch, but I figure I can always make more money. Happiness is priceless. I gave her my credit card so she can use it for necessities. I wanted her to reserve the cash I gave her for real emergencies.

Over the last several months, she has expressed how difficult her afternoons are, because her ex-husband no longer pays for afternoon daycare YMCA. Last night I bit the bullet and offered to pay for afternoon YMCA for her kids 3 times a week so she could have more time to herself. It would cost $580 a month for the 2 kids. She was reluctant to accept, but in the end said okay.

This morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I felt resentful again. I lost track of how much she charged on my credit card since January 2011. I took a calculator and added up line by line. $4,000 charged since January, $1,000 of which was for a facial. I was aware of it, but now I'm upset about it. We are not married yet. She is spending a lot. She is not aggressively pursuing her ex for alimony or child support. I feel as though I am being burdened during the hardest time of my life. I am not broke, but I am a bit strapped for cash, with all of my new financial obligations. My fiance is not a gold digger. She is just unaware, even though she assures me that she knows things are hard for me right now. So all this morning Ive been upset.... I feel as though no one really cares how much stress I am going through.

I don't know why, but I decided to make up a story as follow:

I called my fiancee and told her the credit card company has decided to lower my limit because of my lowered income. I told her the credit card is now at its limit, and it's no good any more. I also told her the company I am working for is going bankrupt, so they couldn't pay me today. I told her by the end of this month, after I pay alimony and child support, my bank account will have $100 left, which is reserved for the cleaning lady's weekly payment. I no longer have money, and the well is finally dried up. She went silent. She told me not to panic...and she will figure out something. Then she calls me back later and says she will start looking for a job, as she doesn't want our relationship to be affected by a financial crisis. She also offered to come over with her kids tonight so she could comfort me.

I feel bad that I had to lie, but at this rate I am skating on thin ice. I feel really stressed and drained, and I feel this is my only way to catch a breath. I feel angry, sad and happy at the same time. Some days I wake up in the morning, and just want to walk away from the engagement. I feel as though I dug my own grave. As I said, I am not broke, as I still have $250,000 buffer lying around somewhere. But I would hate to tap into that before it's absolutely necessary. I think the white lie was necessary.

[sweetkissesforu]

Why did you not tell her the truth because this lie will catch up to you

[thisisnewtome]

I agree with sweet if you are soon gonna be married you need to know the relationship is open to discuss things like that. You should sit there down and tell her that you need her to be more careful on how she spends your money, and she should if not get a job pursue the ex to at least contribute a little to the life you want together. There will probably be a lot more things like this in the future(things your afraid to tell her) and if you continue to have to lie about them even tho its a harmless lie it will get really twisted when she finds out.

[courtney90]

I agree with the people above me. I think you just need to tell her that you freaked out cuz you didn't know what else to do and then tell her how you really feel. You should never start a marriage off with a lie even if it is just a white lie. It will only cause more problems in the end.

[misombra]

i don't see anything white about that lie.

so this is the deal, you are about to marry a woman with whom you cannot be honest about money. do you know why most people get divorced? money. you can't even have a transparent conversation with her about it? you're going downhill, imo.

actually i remember you did talk to her about it before. she threatened to get a job then too, no? as i recall you're the guy with too much money.

are you afraid she'll leave you if you can't pay for her 1000 dollar facials?

[misombra]

...tell her you can give her a facial for free.

[vashti]

jeezus, Kaius! $1000 facials? I want to marry you, too.

To be honest, I find it difficult to believe she could be so dumb as to not be aware that this is inappropriate spending for an unemployed woman. I don't really care what you told her to get her to reduce her spending... I only care that you finally are willing to DO something about it.

[MerryH]

I think the white lie was necessary.

Yes, it was necessary because you lack the spine to say no to her or to request that she spend your money wisely. It wouldn't have been necessary if you had any courage at all. You are so weak. If I had it in me, I'd take you for all you were worth, too.

Congrats on your impending nuptials!

[Boisdevie]

Slow motion train wreck.

[Bo]

You shouldn't have lied, and she shouldn't be spending all your money.

And why is she spending money on facials when she can't even pay for her kids daycare??

[hello1]

This is your own fault! you should never given her money or helped her out till you were married at least.

[sookie6]

kaius...

Do you not find it scary that we all care more for you than she does?????

Here we are advising you, telling you to watch out for yourself, to protect your assets and your children's and you keep going at it!!!

Your threads are either about how your fiancee is ripping you off OR how good she is in bed....

I think we should all open a thread about how men become blinded by sex and women by money!

[Junket]

All this and you still haven't stuffed your hotdog in her buns?

[sookie6]

this is your own fault! You should never given her money or helped her out till you were married at least.

do not get married

[Junket]

Who here wants to bop Kaius over the head?