My friend... uhh, "raped me". What now?

[Trishi]

Lo everyone =P I heard of this forum from a friend of mine, so I'll drop by and ask this question he told me you might be able to help me with.

So, I'm 21 years old. I have a friend I've known since i was 4. When I turned 19, I decided to leave home, and live on my own, but of course, that's hard when studying. So, when I heard my friend, who is 5 years older than me, wanted an apartment near my school, I contacted him, and asked if we should bunk together. He is probably the person I trust the most in the world.

Now, 2 years later, something odd happened. We have always been joking around each other, and we know each other very well. I love hentai, so yesterday when he got home from work (He works at a restaurant, awesome cook, but works till like 23:00 every night), he "caught" me reading a hentai on the PC. He took on the non-chalant attitude, and walked straight up beside the PC, and asked if he could join me. I just laughed at him, not really caring if he did. So I continued reading, when he suddenly jerked out his johnson. This time I went a bit "o.o" on him, and about it. Nothing besides that happened, other than him stroking his penis in front of his long-time friend, while reading an erotic manga.

The issue I can't come with an answer to myself, is what happened in the morning. I took a bath like always, when he suddenly decided to "join" me. He got in with me, naked, and touched me. It went a bit overboard, until he suddenly pushed me against the wall, and outright ****ed me. Not only that, he decided to take me in the ass, of all things.

I would have considered that rape, if he hadn't been so ****ing good at it, no pun intended.

I have been with, what, 7 guys? My friend have never heard a word about my lovelife, ever. That's a topic we have never ventured into. But god, I have never had any issues with anal, but his touch and actions made me cum, twice, before he finished up. When he did, he kissed me on the cheek, said he were going to work, and left me there. (Very satisfied, I might add)

So, i'm a tad confused right now. I had honestly never thought it would get this way, but I have slight issues rejecting it. This guy have pretty good looks even if I have never really considered it, he gets well paid, is an amazing cook, I trust him more than anyone, and he definitly doesn't lack in the sexual department either. I just can't quite place the way it all happened. I have never kissed the guy even once, the first cheek kiss ever, was straight after having ANAL-sex. I think I might fear us going in the wrong direction, as I would hate to break my friendship with him. I just can't point out any reasons he would suddenly get an interest in me, or do something like that. He always seemed a bit shy/laid back whenever he was around other girls, so experiencing him like that was quite surprising.

So what do? Ignore it ever happened, tell him off and say it wont ever happen again, call the cops, go friends-with-benefits on him, or let it evolve into a real relationship? Or none of the mentioned? I can't really cope with the "My best and most trusted friend raped me, but I still loved it" - case. It contradicts itself in so many ways I have issues even figuring out exactly what happened ._.

Or perhaps even - Is it my fault, for even bringing him into my apartment? Am I to blame from the very beginning? I might have been terribly blind, I don't know. I don't even know why I enjoyed it so much, to be honest. Sexually deprived maybe ._.

[girl68]

That's not rape. You did NOT say no, you didn't even attempt to. In that sense you "consented" don't even think about screaming rape on this one.

[sweetkissesforu]

dont blame yourself he took advantage of you which is wrong not rape since you did enjoy it

[vashti]

???

Are you freakin' kidding me?

This is NOT rape. Rape is an act of violence against an unwilling partner. You participated in this, and you enjoyed it. Honestly, if you brought this case to court and I were the judge, I would fine you heavily for filing a frivolous lawsuit, and I would encourage him to file a slander lawsuit.

[vashti]

just wanted to add that this thread disgusts me so much, I think your parents should be punished for bringing up such a foolish girl.

[Take2]

Wait, orgasm is not what defines rape. "Since you enjoyed it" is not the issue here. The issue is consent.

With consent, the issues here are tricky. He had permission to be in your home/room/etc. Last night he pulled out his dick and whacked off next to you and you didn't say anything at all? Since you were not incpacitated,it might be resonable for him to conclude you wouldn't be totally opposed to sexual contact. Where I am unclear is what happened when he came into the bathroom naked? What happened when he climbed on top of you? Did you make it clear or attempt to make it clear that you were NOT interested in sex?

If he forced you to have sex against your will, that is rape, even if you liked it. If he had rough sex with you and you are conflicted about how to go forward, that is not rape. Really, only you can decide that. And this story is in a very gray area, consent-wise. It sounds like even you are not sure if you consented. I think a guy SHOULD make sure that he has 100% certain consent before engaging in forceful sex, for exactly this reason.

It seems to me that a good course of action would be to discuss this with him. Tell him "we need to talk ab out last night." Ask him what his motives were, what made him decide to act that way. If you think you might like a relationship with him OR if you think you want a continued friendship, ask him what he wants to happen next. Tell him that you were shocked and felt violated because you guys didn't have a sexual relationship and you weren't even sure if you wanted to consent and it was already happening. His responses to that conversation will probably help you to make sense of all the questions and concerns and feelings you have. You might also think of visiting a counselor to work through this, as it is a complex emotional situation.

[vashti]

This story is bullshit, anyway. The story has inconsistencies. If you live in the same apartment, why at the end do you ask if it was your fault for bringing him into YOUR apartment?

[Take2]

This story is bullshit, anyway. The story has inconsistencies. If you live in the same apartment, why at the end do you ask if it was your fault for bringing him into YOUR apartment?

I think she meant for inviting him to live in her apartment, not for inviting him in that evening.

[DoesntMatter]

I smell troll

[Trishi]

This is why i questioned myself about this whole "rape" thing. I also didn't intend on calling any kinds or forms of authorities, unless things gets worse - I have known this guy for 16 years... best friend bar none. That is the oddity. I can't explain why he did it all of a sudden, and the surprise of it all made me unable to do anything. Would you approach a long-time friend, and try to **** her without doing anything before that? I agree, I have handled these events horrible... so I'm asking, hoping to get an idea of what to do when he gets home.

Uh, the reason I didn't explain what happened in the bathroom, is because I wasn't sure what the rules allows and disallows. He came in, naked to begin with, and climbed into the shower. He stayed pretty silent, only laughing a bit every now and then, when I tried to cover myself a bit, (turn around, whatever you are capable of inside a small shower cabin), and ask him, perhaps in a too jokingly way, what he was doing out there. I admit, i laughed. I still don't understand why, as nothing that was happening were even remotely humorous. He suddenly started to wash me, and suddenly, well... He just pushed himself in. I was half-stuck between him and a wall.

It may sound easy to resist. I mean, flail your arms a bit, yell at him, ect. ect., and looking back, I am still confused why I didn't. I think I'll try talk to him when he gets home... I have never been afraid of sexual contact, so that issue isn't really bothering me. As already stated, from my perspective, I can't point out even a single flaw he should have, so he is without a doubt boyfriend "material" if you will. I just can't understand why he would approach me like that, after so many years, without having said a word prior to it... From what I've heard, most people assume Anal-sex is painful and such, so why would he initiate that of all things?

[vashti]

I just can't understand why he would approach me like that, after so many years, without having said a word prior to it...

He didn't HAVE to say a word. You allowed him to masturbate right next to you. You left the door to the bathroom unlocked. You let him in the shower with you. You laughed when he touched you. You let him put his hands on your naked body, and you didn't attempt to stop him when he inserted his penis. This all amounts to consent. A girl who wasn't interested wouldn't have allowed him to masturbate in front of her, and probably wouldn't be watching pornographic material with him, either, and then the rest of those events would never have happened.

[sookie6]

a troll. A male troll based on this statement :

'I would have considered that rape, if he hadn't been so ****ing good at it, no pun intended'

[Trishi]

He didn't HAVE to say a word. You allowed him to masturbate right next to you. You left the door to the bathroom unlocked. You let him in the shower with you. You laughed when he touched you. You let him put his hands on your naked body, and you didn't attempt to stop him when he inserted his penis. This all amounts to consent. A girl who wasn't interested wouldn't have allowed him to masturbate in front of her, and probably wouldn't be watching pornographic material with him, either, and then the rest of those events would never have happened.

Ugh, bad... good lord how on earth did it come to this... *sigh* If he had to approach me, I would never have guessed it would have been like that... well, you learn with experience I suppose.... Guess all I can do is talk to him, ask what happened... and what he wants. I just don't want to lose the guy as a friend, so assumptions can be dangerous...

So a bit different approach: If you had made a move on a girl like this, what would your hope be? Love-relationship, Friends with benefits, something else? :/

[girl68]

He could have just been straight up horny and everything you did led him to believe come on down/ in.

[sweetkissesforu]

Ugh, bad... good lord how on earth did it come to this... *sigh* If he had to approach me, I would never have guessed it would have been like that... well, you learn with experience I suppose.... Guess all I can do is talk to him, ask what happened... and what he wants. I just don't want to lose the guy as a friend, so assumptions can be dangerous...

So a bit different approach: If you had made a move on a girl like this, what would your hope be? Love-relationship, Friends with benefits, something else? :/

Most decent men would not have used this approach
b/c you enjoyed it cannot be considered rape
it sounds like he has rape fantasies tho
which you need to understand if this relationship is going to change to bf or fwb
so you can say hold it im not comfortable with this no i dont like anal sex or whatever
b/c of his approach element of surpize maybe he knew you would not say no
do you understand what im am saying
most men would have seduced you in to bed
had foreplay let you know what he wants
i would have a talk with him
this does put a whole other dimension to your relationship