Meeting up with Ex GF for lunch/coffee this weekend. Need advice!

[Ollie76]

Hello Everyone,

So after a 4.5 years relationship my girlfriend dumped me over a small fight that triggered her emotions about our future. She said she doesn't see me taking this relationship in the direction she want us to.

There are still some unanswered question such as:

1. After 4.5 years, why couldn't we work things out? Why the panic?

2. What exactly brought her to make this drastic decision?

So, as you can tell, there still isn't any closure for me. I feel that this relationship can be repaired and I think she just panicked and jumped the gun. I want her back!


It's been 3 1/2 weeks since the break up and we pretty much had NC (we exchanged texts once) throughout this time. So, I finally called her up yesterday and ask her out for lunch this weekend. She accepted and asked why? I replied that I need to know what happened to us after all these years. She thought it was a good idea to meet in person.

My question is, I want her back, what is the best way to approach this situation? Should I just be honest and tell her how I feel and attempt to sweep her off her feet? What should I do?

[DarkHelmet82]

Just tell her how you feel... if you dont and it doenst turn out the way you want you will still want "closure." Be aware.. there is no such thing as closure..I think the fact that she is meeting up with you is a good thing

[Ollie76]

Well, my goal is to ultimately work things out. I guess I'll just listen to what she has to say then tell her exactly how I feel and want.

the thing the bugs me is that I think the break up was more of her listening to her just-out-of-a-relationship single friends telling her that I broke her heart and to move on. The reason being is that after the fight, we were both upset and full of pride that neither one of us contacted each other to apologize. It was 4 days from the night of the fight to the actual break up. So, I think that during those 4 days her "support group" told her all these negative things about our relationship and it was sign of things to come and to leave me ASAP.

So after I listen to her reasons, do I shower her with my true feelings and intentions? I really want her back in my life and I don't want to screw things up even more.

[ccjc]

I'd raise my guard up just incase she has a rebound nearby.

It is totally cool for two people to commiuncate, but careful with getting your hopes up. Her support group, if you're not familar with them, they will support her more than you because they're her friends.
So I would watch out.

Anything that comes out of her; good or bad, you will have to go by what she says. Regardless whether you still have feelings for her.

[Ollie76]

So, I had lunch with my ex today. I think we had a good time. I was upbeat, smiled a lot, etc. First of all, I listened to what she had to say, her reasons for the break up, etc. I let her talk and didn't interrupt her at all. These were her reasons:

1) After 4.5 years our relationship was not in the same stage she has envisioned it. Also, I never spoke about our future. She said it seemed I was taking this relationship day by day.

2) I was always her crutch. I helped her out through all of her challenges and she felt a lack of independence. She wants to know for herself that she can do things on her own. She's 26, and during the month we were apart she finally moved out of her parents house and got an apartment. BIG step for her. (I'm sad that I wasn't a part of this.)

That was basically it. There's no 3rd person involved although she mentioned one of her friends introduced her to some guy who she's been texting but she said it seemed more like a friend thing. I don't know, maybe this is a possible rebound for her? Who knows? She told me about her rough nights where she would cry herself to sleep and said there were many. All in all, she's happy about the apartment and felt that was a big accomplishment for her.

Now, after I listened to all of this without interrupting, I told her how I felt.
I was completely honest and told her that I loved her and that she is my best friend, etc. and hoped we can work through this. I didn't sound desperate, needy, nor did I beg for her back. I just put it out there. I made it a point to not expect her to give me an answer nor did I ask for one. BUT, she did say she wasn't ready for any type of reconciliation since she's still "trying to figure things out" and I'm okay with this. She also said that it was unfair for her to "keep me on ice".

So, I've decided to let her go. As bad as I would like her come back, I feel this is the best thing to do. She mentioned we would speak again but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going NC and moving on. What the future holds for her and I, I don't know. Again, I want her back so bad but I got to to do what I got to do.

I just want to thank you guys again for all of your help.

[Horseyguy]

Best of luck Ollie and I think you've made the right call

[Ollie76]

WTF?

Now she's texting me inviting her to her new apartment!! I'm ignoring her and she keeps on texting me!! NC to the fullest!!

[Horseyguy]

ok now I'm confused. I thought you wanted her back?

Maybe she just needed some time to work through how she was feeling, and now she's contacting you to try and get together you shut down and go NC.

Can't see how you are going to work it through that way

[Ollie76]

See, in our meeting she said she was not ready to get back together. Now, these texts that she sent me seem like I'm about to enter the friend zone. That's not where I want to be. The only way that I'm going to respond is if she tells me "let's talk about us", "let's get back together, etc. -things of that nature.

By not responding to her invite, do you think I was being a dick? I mean, I do want her back. Am I handling this all wrong?

[Anturo]

Dude she is an ex.....Leave it that way.

If you go over she will slam bam you. You will then be back together.

She will keep you around because you are good enough for now even though she has already expressed that you cannot provide the future she envisions.

She will one day find someone who can.

She will leave you for that someone.

You will be hurt because you will have at that point made the changes to "Make her future seem possible with you".

[Kaius]

Don't talk to her. Don't text her. Why would you want to go through the breakup again even if you got her back?

[Maple1714]

People can break-up and make-up and get back together. I have a close friend who got married when she was 18 because she was pregnant. They got married for the wrong reasons and were too young for that commitment on top of raising a child. They got divorced in the their mid 20's...spent years apart figuring themselves out. Then they got re-married and mended their relationship at age 30! They have been happily married now for 10 years and have a beautiful family. There are no rules out there...we are all just people. Always go with your gut feeling and be true to yourself and how you feel. Be honest and up-front. If you really love this girl and want to have a future with her...then just go see her.

Also, look you information on a thing called the "Saturn Return"...it's interesting.

[oldskool83]

where'd she wanna be married? after that amount of time id at least of given her somthing to show i want her in the future. just move on, every now and then i get a text from my ex, i dont respond unless i really somthing to stay quick and to the point.

[Ollie76]

Yeah, we talked about marriage and all that stuff we both weren't ready for it.

In all honesty I thing she wants to see if the "grass is greener on the other side". Screw it, I can do the same and will probably find greener grass. Do I still love her and want her back? HELL YEAH!! But I think I did enough trying to get back with her and now I just have to let it go. It's been a month since the BU and she hasn't put any effort into contacting me. All contact was initiated by me!

I think that says a lot about her stance on this relationship.

[Ollie76]

So after her last texts last week, she sent me two more last night. I ignored them. She basically said she heard some exciting news is going on with me (don't know where she heard that because I really don't have anything exciting going on at moment. LOL) and wanted to find out what the news was.

I ignored it because she didn't say what I want her to say. I need her to say that she made a mistake by leaving me and all that stuff. Then, after a half hour later she sent me a text that said "Forget it!"

7 days NC and still counting. Just venting...