was it just for sex?

[jemmashemma]

Hi Guys I really need some help, I feel so so down



Heres the back story. I am a English girl, 25 living in Australia. Last year in july I was travelling back to the UK to see my family when I had a couple of hours wait in perth airport. I was usuing the internet booth and the guy in the one next to me was tom, the reason why I am writing this. Somehow we started chatting, he was with his brother and friend, I was alone. Anyway, the flight from there was to phuket as a stop over, i didn’t sit next to them on the plane but whilst waiting in the terminal for the next flight onto Kuala lumpar they came and chatted to me again, and tom even came to find me in the smokers lounge to tell me the next flight was boarding which was nice of him. Again, we were sat separately, but once we arrived at kualar lumpar we all had a big 7 hour wait till our next flight and turned out they were catching the same one as they were contiki’ng around Europe so they asked if i wanted to get a drink with them and some Chinese food. It was great, I got on with tom really well, to the point where when we were boarding the last big flight I felt quite sad to say goodbye, but then guess what, turns out our seats were next to each other! We couldn’t believe it, we spent the whole time watching films together and chatting about life. (talking about this makes me smile so much its ridiculous)



Anyway, once we reached London we said our goodbyes, swapped names for facebook and said when we are both back in oz we should meet for a drink, and that was it. From time to time id get a silly drunken facebook comment, or he would come on facebook chat and we’d joke about having this date



The months rolled on, and then in jan of this year i happened to be going to his home town (perth) from mine (broome) which is a 3 hour flight away, and he randomly popped up on facebook chat just before my trip, we talked about having a date but then he realised we would miss eachother as since being back from his trip he is working as an electrician on the mines 3 weeks on 1 week off. He gave me his new mobile number and said to keep in touch and we would sort something out as I was going to be down end of feb again for a mates birthday, and boy did we keep in touch! We ended up from about jan 9th to now (about 7 weeks) talking EVERY day, about 5 phonecalls, 30 texts, 10 pic/video messages, and video chatting at night. The attraction was definitely still there big time. Sounds ridiculous but we talked about kids names and all that nonsense! It felt like we were falling in love he said he wanted a future with me. He remembered to a T exactly what I was wearing at the airport when we met and still have a video on his camera he made of me at the time. At first I was reserved as I knew he had been a bit of a player in the past never wanting to settle down etc, but he said he was over it all and wants something special with someone, and wants me. He made me feel like the most special person in the world. We both felt like we were falling, and very nearly said the 3 words to one another but we agreed we owe what we have more than that and wanted to wait til we were in person to make it specia



SO..... last Thursday (24th feb) I took the flight down to perth from broome, butterflies were going off in my tummy and you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I arrived at his house and his mum was there waiting for me as he was at an appointment, she was so lovely. Then I heard him coming through the door, i was shaking, I saw him, he came straight over and gave me a kiss, and it felt so right. That night we had sex and i was lying in his arms and I made the HUGE mistake of turning round and saying “its crazy but i love you” and his response was “im falling for you too” my heart sank, i felt so embarrassed i wanted to cry. He reassured me that he cares, its just not come as quick as he thought it would. We both agreed we had put way too much pressure on us for it to be this amazing, falling in love moment, when really it was that we liked eachother and there was something there. I knew this was the realistic approach but i hated the change that had suddenly happened



Regardless, we had a great 5 days together, he introduced me to all his family at a meal for his grandmas birthday, however when asked by a cousin, “is that your girlfriend” he responded “no” and I felt shattered. I knew we couldn’t really label ourselves as anything at that point cas of the distance and stuff, but I am moving down in 5 months (yes a long time i know) and we decided that until I move down we remain in touch but not be an item because of the worry that would go with it all. I asked if he definitely wanted to keep in touch and he looked at me straight and said “of course I do, I care about you Jem"



The day came when i left, he took me for lunch and then drove me to the airport, he put my hand on the gear stick and put his on top, i was trying not to be down and mopey but inside i was heartbroken, when we got to the airport he got out and gave me a big hug and kiss and said “have a safe flight and we’ll talk later yeah”. Once sat on the plane I think I cried for the whole 3 hours back to broome. A few texts were exchanged once I was back... they were as follows (this was yesterday)



Me: thanks for a great week was so nice to see you x

Him: i had a blast was so happy when i saw you, cant believe you left your dora explora towel here for you to remember me by

Me: me too, i got pretty upset on the plane back. I left my dora towel?!? NOOO!

Him: you left it for me you mean. When your down for your work conference next month I will bring it to you. Yeah craze (his dog) was crying on the way home too. We will both miss you

Me: aw was she?! See the women are always the wimps! Honestly I didn’t stop crying til I got off the plane it was ridiculous. feelin a bit lost I guess

Him: yeah its still like, wow, ok, what happens now as didn’t go to plan

Me: ?

Him: as we agreed yesterday it would be too hard long distance

Me: yeah sucks, worst feeling ever knowing its the only option really, do you reckon we should stop texting and stuff?

Him: no I would never want that

Me: this is so f*cking hard tom

Him: i know why aren’t you here

Me: u have no idea how much I wish I was

Him; but we know not for like 5 months

Me; could be less

Him: i know but its still a massive amount of time

Me: I don’t want you hangin round waitin for me to be there cas your a great bloke who deserves to be happy and wouldn’t want you to put everything on hold. Even though its so hard i know i have to let it go

Him: i know what you mean as i want you to have fun and live life

Me: i even miss you poking me all the time!

Him: knew it

Me: it would have never worked anyway, you don’t like mushrooms, pfft!

Him: learn to love peas then come back

Me: if you cant love me for the pea hater I am then we are better off apart

Him; fine haha! Night babe

Me: night



And that was it, its now 1pm the next day, haven’t heard anything from him. Usually wake up with a text from him, and would of had 46752765 calls and texts, but nothing! . I am heartbroken, I feel like ive gone from having someone who wants the world with me, to nothing of importance, im a mess, i cant concentrate at work. I don’t know what to do or say. I feel unwanted , rejected, confused, put out, alone, let down. I don’t wanna chase him, i just don’t wanna let it go, I am trying to do everything to sort my move to perth quicker cas he has said once im down there we can start dating properly. I am lost, please someone give me some advice



Thank you in advance

[jemmashemma]

thanks for your reply, you are a wise man/woman! I have an update on the situation.... so it got to like 3pm today, still hadnt heard anything, called him to blurt out how I feel but bottled it... he was all cheery on the phone which made it worse, like AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES!!! anyway, i told him they have granted my residency, he said it made his day and that was that. I then got off the phone and felt mortified he was getting on with his life so great while mine felt like it was falling apart I stupidly sent this:

ME: i actually rang to talk to you about something but I bottled it so gunna write it in a message.i feek really gutted cus it feels like i've gone from being this person you claimed you wanted everything with to just nothing. i almost feel like ive been played like you've had me so now im just some other girl on the pile. being totally honest when I said we should leave it and just be friends cas long distance is too hard i was just trying to protect myself from either getting hurt or looking like an idiot, of course it wasnt what i wanted and even with the distance i would of made sure it worked. i feel stupid now cus i told my close friends and family about this amazing guy who wants to be with me and now they are asking questions and i just look like a fool. i dont know who im angry at more, me for making the decision to not go long distance or you because i know u would of never really continued it. ive never been this churned up over anyone and im just upset and frustrated and confused.

HIM: Jem its not like that. im serious i do want those things, it was just different when you were here. and i agreed to what you said so that i wouldnt hurt you as you deserve the best. but with me at this time i dont know where i am.i know what i want and when i can sort of have that with someone like you i dont know what happens to me or why i back off

ME: well maybe in future you should think about what you say to people and work out if its what you want before you mess with thier feelings

HIM: it is what i want but didnt know what happened jem, serious

ME: you and me both. cya


I then left it for a couple of hours, rang him, he was at footy training but answered anyway, I basically said, look sorry for being shitty, had a crap day at work, was wound up, i know there was a lot of pressure on us from ourselves, i dont want you to feel pressured, its cool, i understand you dont know what u want right now, i want to remain friends tho cas i think your a great guy

and he responded with, jem we will always be friends, you have no need to apologise, lets just take it easy and see what happens when you move down here, go have a wine and celebrate your residency.


im still confused lol

im a mess guys

[Charlie Boy II]

You are completely blowing it. You are smothering the guy. The two of you have about six days contact in total. It is much, much, much, to early to be saying "I love you", to tell him you sobbed the whole plane trip home, to freak out that he didn't call you by 3pm, to call back one hour later and apologise for freaking out. It's all way, way too much. He is doing better than I would.

Sorry to be blunt, but it seems very clear to me where you're going wrong. Just relax, and back off the emotion. If you can't do that, at least be sure to give off the appearance to him you're easing off.

[jemmashemma]

hey charlieboy,

thanks for the advice. I know i have become this psycho bunny boiler right?!! ridiculous, if it was one of my girlfriends id be like, seriously CHILL OUT!!!!! its just hard when your all wrapped up in it you dont think straight. I have left it at that phone call, and will not hound him now. will just back off, if he texts me ill maybe wait a lil while so its seems like I actually have a life (which im pretty sure I do! lol) and the send something short sweet and uncomplicated. thanks for the great advice you have no idea how much a 'slap in the face' helps sometimes

[Fairy Cakes]

Hey there
I like your story cause im an english girl who just got back from oz ( about 3 days ago )
Not oo disimilar situation. I know how easy it is to get freaked out, being a girl, I also understand it's emotional, that's just who we are and what we do.
It wasnt just sex, I mean, come on.. you can see that right. This thing you 2 have, obviously has to go slow.
Have a bit more confidence in yourself. Dont panick, you'll live! Like yourself for who you are, go and have that wine, and have a good time, cause right now, nothing is gonna change overnight. The best things always take time. One of the best quotes.. 'If History teaches us anything, it Evolution, not Revolution, that creats a lasting, working environment'. Remember that, and even if it doesnt work, learn how to chill enough to appreciate yourself.. you dont have to worry. If he hasn't text and it bothers you, Hide your phone. If he hasnt emailed, dont check till the morning, ect. Im a strong believer that we meet the people in life that we are meant to meet. You 2 have met, and what's more, all the time, and both your lives seem to be coming togther pretty well, seeing as you actually come from the other side of the world to him.
Enjoy your residency, and be happy that you are over in the sunshine, and not in this horrible cold weather that I've just had to come back to
take care x