Ladies, i have this woman that's driving me crazy. Please help me!

[thechosenone0]

For the last almost three months now there's been this girl in my life. I met her at work. She was recently hired on and she happens to be the Grandaughter of the owner of the company i work at. We both became interested in each other right away. But things are stuck and they don't progress out of this strange cycle we're stuck in. We go out, we have a great time with each other. We kiss but usually nothing past that. Then the next day she'll get rather cold and pull back. Then she warms up, i decide to take her out again or she suggests going out and we have a good time and then she gets cold again.

We had one night where she spent the night at my house and it was just short of sex but very heavy otherwise. Then she pulled back again as usual afterward. I took her out prior to Valentines day (Because she claimed she didn't want to celebrate valentine's day) and told her it was a Niki appreciation day. She said i could be good for her. We kissed. She pulled back again the next day. I got frustrated one day and went out with some friends to a strip club and happened to mention that to her the next day. She became very jealous and got close to me for a few days and then pulled away again.

I know she came back from Florida prior to me meeting her in August. She got out of a relationship with a person who was suffering from drug issues. She was chased through her house by this guy and locked herself in the bathroom to stay safe. It was bad from what i hear. I'm not like that, she knows that. I don't smoke, no drugs and no more than two drinks when we're out.

I'm lost gentlemen and i just need some advise if you could.

Some basic Info: I'm 28 and Niki is 26. Live in Chicago suburbs. Both full time workers. Don't believe there are any drugs involved on her part and certainly none on mine. No abuse on anyone's end that i know about. She has suffered from anxiety and was previously on meds for it that she doesn't take now.

[jerybaby18]

Ok, the problem is, she has been through something quite rough with someone else. I am assuming she may still be in love with this guy, even though she knows he is not good for her. It is hard to break away from someone who has had your heart. I am not saying she doesn't have feelings for you, but at the same time she needs to get passed this other guy. Do yourself a favor. Be patient. And don't smother her. Give her time to heal. She is pulling back for a few reasons I'm sure. because she is still not completely over this other guy, she is scared of getting into something serious cuz she has had a bad experience, and she wants to start things off slowly because of that.
Now the other issue you guys have is that she is the granddaughter of your boss. Which, in itself, is a bad idea. That fact alone can really get you screwed in the long run. But that is a whole other issue. Anyhow, good luck.

[thechosenone0]

Thanks jerybabe18

I know this girl is hurting. I see it in her all the time. Any advice you all have on how to live this situation would be good.

[jerybaby18]

In my opinion you have 2 options.. Stick by her but with some space OR let her be for now. I suggest sticking by her without any pressure and without expecting too much from her right now. Have you tried discussing it with her?

[thechosenone0]

its come up before. Its basically what i said, different everytime. Its been that she isn't ready for a relationship. One time she said she doesn't think of me "that" way despite everything we've done so far. One time she said she wans to work on fixing herself.

What i know about her is that she has some big self esteem issues. She hates on herself all the time and try and point out when she's doing it and to cut it out. She says all the time she can't understand why i like her. If i start naming reasons she refutes them or says that i don't know the real her.

I went out with her today. Didn't do move for any kissing, Just hung out at the hookha bar and went to a movie. It was chill, relaxed and no pressure. It seemed to go well.

[jerybaby18]

Good, sounds like a perfect night. And you are doing the right thing by not pressuring her. If and when she is ready, you will know. This guy in her past has really done a number on her. Be there if she needs to talk. Or just as a good friend. That is what she needs right now. As for her self esteem, the only one who can change that is her. You can talk till you are blue in the face and it will make no difference. You want to help her with that, a small compliment like.. you look great... is huge. If she comes back with... nah i don't, or whatever she does to refute your compliment, just say well, to me, you do. And leave it at that. Be subtle.
I at times, feel like I'm being lied to when the guy I'm seeing says I look so sexy or whatever. Especially on days I feel the opposite. But I say thanks and leave it at that usually. I know it's difficult to hear someone you care about talk negatively about themselves. It's frustrating. But she needs to start to love herself before she can love anyone else. So do what you are doing, and just be as supportive as you can.

[thechosenone0]

Thanks jerybaby, you've been giving some good advice.

I really would do just about anything for this girl. I want her to see how great she is and of course i want her to let me in too.

You have any advice on how to proceed though. Anything i should look for or be doing to both let her know i'm safe to be with but still desire her. (Which i think she knows, she caught me checking her out last night )

Basically, what should i be doing to be the guy that gets this amazing girl. Patience i'm sure but is there anything i'm missing or suggestions anyone has?

[jerybaby18]

honestly continue doing what you're doing. she knows how u feel about her. just treat her with patience and respect. it is really all you can do. if you try to push the fact that you are into her (which she already knows) than it may be too much pressure. you need to tread very lightly with her. this is a really rough time for her, and it seems you are helping her through it in the right way. her letting you in is going to take time. you seem like a great guy, i think she will come around when she feels the time is right.

[thechosenone0]

thanks Jerybaby18, i like to think i'm a pretty great guy.

Can i ask, since it came up earlier in this thread and others, but she may not be over the guy that wrecked her. Is that possible and how is that sort of thing possible? I mean, she literally had to lock herself in a bathroom cause he was trying to hurt her, so how could he still be in her head if he is at all?

Otherwise i'm still just being with her, not pressuring her and waiting.

[jerybaby18]

There is a reason she was with him, that aside (which is major, don't get me wrong) they may have had some decent times together. There is a reason she loved him. Even though you know a guy isn't good for you, that doesn't mean you stop loving them. In your mind you keep thinking, but we were so good together otherwise. I know it seems silly, but unfortunately that is how it works. Being abused by someone changes you also. It is very hard to overcome. And most people need professional help with that. It scars you emotionally. It makes it very hard to trust others.

[thechosenone0]

I still working on it Jery. I think we're going to go out tomorrow just to see a movie. I'm trying to be no pressure. She's an amazing girl and its frustrating how hard i have to work. She's worth it because when things are good it makes me feel so amazing. I just wish it was easier to get through to this girl.

[jerybaby18]

I understand completely. I have been seeing a guy for over a year and I am still sticking it out. Situation is different, but he has some passed issues that hold him back also. Also some current things. And somehow I can't walk away from it. Just doing what my heart feels is right, without letting it stop me from living. It's a difficult situation. Whether it works out in the end or not, is yet to be seen. But such is life and love...

[thechosenone0]

So just an update

Last friday i was at work in our kitchen testing some pastas (We work in a catering office) and she was taking her break in there. Don't remember how it came up but she started talking about us. She said that she knows its more then just basic friends between us. She says she feels bad when she's out and talks to other guys because of me. Early in the day she invited me to a restaurant's test opening the first week week of April with her mom.

I texted her after work because i wanted to talk to her. She said no at first but i said i was just going to wait at this special spot we usually go to sometimes. She showed up and was mad saying to the effect "She has too many people telling her what to do and hated me telling her she had to come talk to me."

She was extremely upset and i calmed her a bit and started to explain some things too her. She kept refuting the usual things i said. I did kiss her which she didn't pull away but afterward she got upset again. I told her that i legitimately wanted to date her, just for a month, and if it didn't work out then i'd leave her alone. She was still upset and left without answering. She complained that she would just end up breaking my heart. She then left.

I wouldn't have even started this conversation if not for her coming to me in the kitchen. She gave me the silent treatment over the weekend but now we're talking again. I had an emergency this monday morning. A sick family member that i was worried about and she was very comforting toward me, bought me a few things she knows i like. She was very kind.

So...... yeah. I'm not really sure what happened here. I can say that i feel so different and so good that i put out there how i feel about her. It was just a huge weight lifted off me. I really felt so good. Obviously i'd of felt better if she'd just let her defenses down and seen things my way, but i feel great either way. Just not sure where i am now in this situation.

[jerybaby18]

I think her flippin on you at your spot, really didn't have much to do with you. I think something else upset her and unfortunately you felt the brunt of it. Cuz it doesn't make sense that she freaked out about it, she didn't have to go.
As for what happened in the kitchen, she apparently has feelings for you, and was letting you know that those feelings are there but she isn't completely ready. Do I think you should have told her everything you did? No. You pressured her when she wasn't ready. I think if she was, she would have told you when you were both talking in the kitchen. But it is what it is now. Hopefully she will come around somewhat soon. Seems to me she really has a thing for you. It was nice she was there when you needed her. I think she showed you right there, how she feels. Hope all works out. Keep us posted