Advice needed regarding partner with wandering eye and more...

[nemale71]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together for 10 years, with 2 kids, 1 from a previous relationship, the other ours.

I've had problems dealign with her when she drinks... becomes morose, irritable, discontent with her life, job and kind of takes it out on me, that I should be doing something. There has been aggression and physical violence. After the last bout of violence I said I wanted us to split. We have to sell the house to do this properly. Over a few months I guess we both softened from the initial stand off. Decided to try to make things work. Truth be told, my main reason for not wanting to leave is the affect it may have on my daughter, emotionally. This was pre-Christmas 2010.

So, things have been pretty good. She doesn't drink very often but when she does she binges and has too much, becomes down etc... this happens almost every time she has a drink, so once, maybe twice a week, but still moans on, a lot recently about not having any 'her time' or time in general.

Just recently I've discovered she's been flirting on Facebook, not light flirting but pretty disgusting messages, pictures of herself to other men and pictures back. One bloke leaves locally and I think she has met up with him briefly while I was out. Lots of texts with no explanations, taking her phone with her to the bath etc

Help! What should I do? To be honest it makes me feel terrible, I try my best for her, she complains about how things aren't good enough and does this stuff behind my back. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Would it be unreasonable to leave her for 6 months, finish with her? The main draw on my heart strings would be my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

[girl68]

There is AA for one (sounds like she has a drinking problem)
Counselling? Nanny? Have you tried those avenues?

[Ric]

AA indeed sounds like a smart move. Get her some actual help. However, she needs to be willing for that and needs some proper support.

If she is unwilling, specially considering the inappropriate type of flirting she is doing, I'd say it might be best to leave her.
It's never a good idea to stay together just for the kids.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Leave her. Also, try to get those pictures she's been sending so you can use them in court against her, along with her drinking, and hopefully gain full custody of your daughter.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) You said it makes you feel terrible. Should you have to endure this type of treatment with a girl that "claims" she loves you?
(2) You made the mistake of marrying someone you didn't fully know...Happens all the time.
(3) You have unwittingly subjected your daughter to more potential negativity as she gets older even though you feel it might affect her worse by leaving.

I know exactly what you're going through. You made a piss poor decision to be with this woman and worse: she doesn't give a shit about YOU, nor your daughter.

So what to do?
When she is sober: you need to sit her down (without the child in the house) and talk to her like a calm, mature and loving husband.
You need to outline how it makes you feel when SHE _________________. (be specific)

Life is about change dude. Having a good life lies with your being able to account for variable change that WILL happen.
If she invalidates your feelings with deflection? She doesn't care/love/respect you in the way you deserve to be in a ****ing marriage of all things.
She swore an oath to you. Does she want to uphold it?

This unappreciative bitch needs to learn how lucky she is. OR?
She can see the door. OR?
You can be her door mat husband in the name of your daughter.

[devonbrown]

I agree with the comments above about her drinking. It sounds like there are major issues there that should be addressed.

Staying together only for your daughter is not the best situation. Your daughter will pick up on the tension in the house for one and that could be worse for her long term than if you two were separated. Also, if your wife is violent when she drinks, how long do you think it will be before your daughter could become the target of that aggression.

As for her flirting online and wanting some personal time, along with your other suspicions about her possibly cheating, you should confront the issue head on. Let her know that you think that she would like to be with other people and maybe even want to be out of the relationship. See what she says. Perhaps the direct approach will awaken her to what she is really doing to you and the kids. But be prepared for the worst and be prepared to leave if that is what you want. Don't go into the conversation without an understanding of what her answers could be.

Good luck!

[sweetkissesforu]

Vilence is far worse then the upset on your daughter
if she has not seen it she will feel the discord between you and your wife
i would tell your wife it would seem that you do not want to work on this relationship
im am leaving and i will not come back till you deal with your drinking
trust me she is an alcoholic until she admits this you can not help her
ive been there and one day it will get out hand with the violence and the authorities will get involved
they will either take the children or they will garantee that your wife gets help for her addiction
if you do not do this it will get worse she alone has to admit that she is an alcoholic

[HeartIsAching]

She uses the alcohol as an excuse. You don't do things when you're drunk that aren't in your heart, you do things that you want to do, but you're too inhibited to do without the drink.

She needs counseling for that, and the physical violence as well. That isn't going to just cure itself, and she's likely to start doing it to your daughter as well.

Emotionally, if your relationship is bad, it's worse for your daughter for you to stay with her than to leave - it's simply a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, as neither solution is good. It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

[vashti]

i commend you for not jumping for divorce. If you think your wife behaves badly NOW, with you there, just imagine how she will be when there are strange men coming in and out of the house, wanting to liquor her up and have sex, whether or not the kids are home. I am pretty sure things COULD be worse for your kids... a LOT worse. At least now, you are there to act as a buffer, and to take them out of the house if things are bad, and even your mere presence will put some limits to her behavior.

I would insist you get some therapy for her alcohol issues, and hope for the best, while gathering concrete, verifiable evidence of her unfit parenting. That way, if things progress (which is unfortunately likely), you may be able to sue for sole child custody. And every time you want to fight with her because of how she behaves, remind yourself that you are there to protect your children, and keep your mouth shut. You have a choice about whether or not to engage with her, and the kids don't deserve to be left alone with a violent drunk for a mom. I would consider it extremely irresponsible and selfish for you to abandon them to her in favor of your own freedom.

[nemale71]

Thanks for your replies. I know that drink causes the depressed mood and blaming me for her own short-comings with work etc. She only drinks once or twice a week, Friday, Saturday, maybe Wednesday, in the evening after the kids have gone to bed. A bottle of wine usually, if there is more in the house, she'll drink it, moaning on, rants to try and provoke me, until she can't stay awake. But it is only once or twice a week, I'm not sure if it is an alcoholic issue rather than a 'not knowing when to stop drinking' issue.

It's also the fact that I wanted out after she attacked me last August, that we decided to try again, I'm doing my best to help round the house (self employed and working from home), while she works 4 days a week. I'm focussed on us as a family yet she needs to contact other men, have a 'secret sordid life' and I think when she is drunk it annoys her that she has this 'secret life' and I'm in the way of her enjoying it there and then... like I'm in the way.

I became suspicious a few weeks ago and have KeyLogger Which is how I came across her Facebook chats. A can of worms that gets you obsessed and you go to bed at 12pm and find yourself lying awake at 3am thinking about what you've read. Most of her communication is by SMS with the mobile that follows her everywhere, not a Smartphone so I can't open that can of worms but I've seen some pictures from and to men that upsets. I know if I was doing this she'd be out the door

Any further thoughts or comments appreciated.

[vashti]

I'm not sure if it is an alcoholic issue rather than a 'not knowing when to stop drinking' issue.

Alcoholics don't know when to stop, either. They are one in the same.

[devonbrown]

She only drinks once or twice a week, Friday, Saturday, maybe Wednesday, in the evening after the kids have gone to bed. A bottle of wine usually, if there is more in the house, she'll drink it, moaning on, rants to try and provoke me, until she can't stay awake. But it is only once or twice a week, I'm not sure if it is an alcoholic issue rather than a 'not knowing when to stop drinking' issue.

She ONLY drinks a bottle of wine or more Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Wednesday? Red flags going off all over the place.

Why not ask her if she would be willing to stop drinking entirely for a couple weeks and see what her reaction is to that? That could be a good starting point to getting into the more difficult parts of the conversation with her.

Good luck.

[nemale71]

Hi All,

An update, Friday night she was drunk and threw a tantrum when I said I thought she was jealous of my mother/daughter after some comments she had made. Flew into a rage, slamming doors, shouting (1:30am). Came back down and hit me around the head, closed fist - I went for a long walk.

Next morning I confronted her with the FaceBook issue - detail moderated but it was all pretty sordid sexually explicit with several men. Prior to Friday she had recently met one of the men during the day in his lunch hour while I was out at work.

Explained I knew everything she had written on Facebook, texts, photos etc.

Her response was that she had met him to call it off. What else could she say? She volunteered to move out, 1 bed flat, pop round every from work till the kids go to bed then go to her flat! So, happy families but she sleeps somewhere else, no one need know! Can't believe it!

So... having sought legal advice and given my work situation (self-employed work full-time at home and at offices) I guess the solution is that she moves out and rents until I sell the house. I can't take the kids, the extra cost for food... she will gets benefits for housing etc. I have to tell her this today Its is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, because I don't want to hurt people, the kids.... keep reminding myself of the things she wrote to these men, the fact she has hit me round the head a few times now... wanting it to all get better but it isn't is it?

I hate this.