Confused and Going Crazy!

[TheBigMan86]

Hello,

Firstly I am 25 and was with my Fiancé for 7 years. We got engaged last year (July) and bought a new house in the start of December last year.

At the end of January she started acting a bit strange to the point where it just felt like she didn’t want to be around me in a club on a night out..

I found out she had been sending messages to another man for a week and went a bit insane, she told me she didn’t love me anymore and just didn’t feel the same about me, despite nothing changing apart from getting a bigger house and starting to try for a family (both her ideas) and had came off her 'pill' for the first time in about 12 years!

I left the house at the start of February (wish I had not but my mind was in a mess..)

I still speak to her often, normally me initiating the conversation though, she says she still does not want to be with me but wants to be friends. She assures me there is nobody else and that the other person she was messaging was nothing.. :-S I do believe her but of course this could all be lies....

Its very confusing as I did not appear to have done anything wrong or changed at all, in fact I had stopped playing computer games and watching TV etc to try and spend more time with her and to do work on the house.
The house is still in pieces as I have stripped all of the walls taken off all the radiators and moved all the furniture out before this happened (literally a day before).

I am totally devastated and don’t know what’s going on where I went wrong.

I just want to make things right with her and get back on track but it seems nothing I do is working.. I’ve tried all the normal things, sending her love letters, presents, shout outs on the radio when she’s driving home. I have also tried all the other 'controversial' methods! i.e getting drunk and going around acting like a lunatic, crying uncontrollably, making insane accusations etc......

We have never really argued before this, we have never cheated on each other and spent basically all of our time together...

Its been over 5 weeks now and I still feel terrible, any ideas how I could get her back or what I should do next?

[smackie9]

Even tho it may seem horrible right now, I have to say that things happen for a reason. She was smacked with the reality of "forever" when you guys bought the house and started renos. It was going to happen sooner or later. Dude she is just not ready. She has some living to do before she commits to "forever". And that's a good thing. Better to find out now than say 5 years down the road when she leaves you with the kids and is out partying all hours not coming home. Sorry for your loss, but you just may have to start all over. The only thing you can do now if fix finish the house and sell. Give her her space. If she comes back to you, get couples counseling before you even commit to planning a life with her. You want to think with your head and make sure it's gonna a work before you spend all this time and money of getting a life with her started.

[smackie9]

I suspect, and I know this happens a lot, you guys started dating when you were teenagers and never had a chance to date other people as adults. It's not uncommon for them leave a relationship to enjoy experiences that they missed out on. Getting married would mean they would have skipped a part of life that should have been experienced. This is one reason divorce rates are so high. Marriage is no picnic......it's a life time of hard work so you better be damn sure it's really what you want.

[TheBigMan86]

Yeah we did, when we were 18, however I felt like I had my fun and I thought she did aswell. We still went out alot together and apart, I had 100% trust for her as she did for me and I never stopped her from doing anything she wanted to do... It wasnt our first house together, it was our 2nd purchase and we rented before that.. It does feel like things went quickly and maybe should not of commited so young it just feels like everything changed in an instant, she never spoke to me or anything about how she was feeling and feels like she is throwing both our lives away with very little thought for me or what she is going to do... I just dont understand how people can change so quickly... Women eh...

[smackie9]

Well if was instant she met someone......that is usually the culperate. There is no stopping that when it happens. People will get swept up in the moment....this guy makes her feel special. He tells her things like "you are so hot" "wow you are mind blowing". Girls miss that kind of intense attention when in a long term relationship. Things got too comfortable, almost routine, boring so to speak so when someone comes a long and gives them this kind of attention, they feel energy like it has been awakened within themselves. It's very addicting, like a drug....she gets a total rush, feels free and unchained.

[kj03]

I know how your feeling mate as I went through a similar situation myself, and as you know it aint nice ! She says she wants to be friends and she may want to but believe me it won't be good for you. I was friends with my wife for about 2 years after we split doing everything for her and basically being there for her all the time. It was a big mistake. Then she informed me she had got back with and ex-boyfriend who she lived with before she met me 8 years ago and I was gutted. This may seem harsh but the reason she wants to be friends in my opinion is either a) she feels sorry for you, or b) she wants you there untill she finds someone "better". Either way none of these is any good for you. Mate you've got to start taking control of the situation and start thinking about moving on and letting go. It'll be bloody hard but from my experience it's a lot better than hanging on and hoping one day she changes her mind . If someone does not want you anymore it's not worth prolonging the pain, No one can help how they feel, neither you or your fiance. I would seriously think of breaking your ties now. Make no mistake if you decide to do it it'll be one of the hardest things you've ever done but it WILL GET BETTER. No contact is the most important thing, no drunken texts, no emails and no phone calls in fact deleting her number might be the best thing. Hide the photos or things that remind you of her. Get out and do things with your mates, join a gym, meet new people etc, let her know your getting on with your life. When you feel low and you will often, talk to someone, cry, scream, shout anything to get it out. I know you probably don't want to here all this stuff now but I'm just being honest. In fact if you do this it may well make her think a bit more about the situation and who knows what might happen. If she don't then you'd have started on the road to recovery. I hope everything turns out Ok for you......Keep strong.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

[TheBigMan86]

Thanks for the advice guys, its just a difficult situation.

I am hoping if I give her a bit more space and stop contacting her she might change her mind, but im not banking on it.....

Just gota get on with it...

[TheBigMan86]

What do you guys think about me moving back into the house into a spare room until it gets sold.. I am tired of living on my parents couch and cannot afford my own place while I still have to pay mortgage payments on that place......

[smackie9]

You do whatever you have to do.......