how to date with kids

**karl84** · 10-03-11, 10:26 PM

Just as the topic say i was wanting to know how to date when i have 3 kids 9yo 5yo 4yo.Im ready to move on in my life its been a year but i have 3 kids and dont want any mistakes with them.I still see them and spend time with them just how did some of you go about dating when you have kids and what you thought about it at first.

Karl

**vashti** · 10-03-11, 10:32 PM

I am finding it sort of difficult because I obviously won't date when my girl is with me, and since she lives with me, that is the case most of the time. Also, I personally won't bring any of my dates near my home. I am uninterested in exposing her to any casual dating on my part.

It sounds like you are the father of kids that live away. It shouldn't be too hard for you. I just want to warn you that a lot of women have difficulty with the kid situation, even though they may not admit it. "You shall have no other gods before me" or something like that. You have to be very careful. Women can be absurdly cruel to children. I wouldn't expose them to any new women unless you are pretty sure you have some sort of future with her.

**karl84** · 10-03-11, 10:43 PM

I understand what you are saying and yes they dont live with me.I just dont want my kids to think they failed me or there mom cause were not together.I dont plan to bring any home unless i know there is something with me and her and after that and before she meets my kids i think it owuld be right to let her talk to my ex just so she knows who the kids would be around"i have talked to my ex new boyfriend".Just kinda hard cause when im on a date and think of my kids i kinda want my family back.

**DoesntMatter** · 10-03-11, 10:45 PM

Keep these bitches away from your kids.

Your kids >>> some new skank.

There are tons of stories on here and tons I've heard in real life about step moms and step dads being total bitches or assholes. Don't let that happen!!

**vashti** · 10-03-11, 10:45 PM

How long have you been separated? Your last sentence makes me think you really aren't ready to date yet.... Have you tried to patch things up with their mom?

**DoesntMatter** · 10-03-11, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by vashti

I am finding it sort of difficult because I obviously won't date when my girl is with me, and since she lives with me, that is the case most of the time. Also, I personally won't bring any of my dates near my home. I am uninterested in exposing her to any casual dating on my part.

It sounds like you are the father of kids that live away. It shouldn't be too hard for you. I just want to warn you that a lot of women have difficulty with the kid situation, even though they may not admit it. "You shall have no other gods before me" or something like that. You have to be very careful. Women can be absurdly cruel to children. I wouldn't expose them to any new women unless you are pretty sure you have some sort of future with her.

Huh? Are you divorced?

**karl84** · 10-03-11, 10:52 PM

we been split a year i just miss the whole family vibe

**DoesntMatter** · 10-03-11, 10:52 PM

Your kids ARE your family!

**Take2** · 10-03-11, 11:19 PM

1. Don't date until you can say unequivocally to yourself that you are done with your ex. That if she came back and said "let's start over" you would say no, however much you might feel sad doing so. It is not fair to represent yourself as ready for a relationship when you haven't left the last one yet. Even if the other person left it long ago.

2. You don't need your ex to have a family that includes you and your kids. You need to build the life you want with them. The good news is that it is entirely in your control, because there is nobody to argue with you about what it can or should be. Do that, and be proud of your ability to do that.

3. Make some ground rules. I think dating only on weekends you don't have the kids is a good starting point, not introducing a woman to your kids until you feel there is probably a long-term future there is another good one. I mean, I am the custodial parent and my poor bf had to deal with meeting me in my driveway even after we'd been dating for a couple of months. The good news is that this also helps you to screen away people who aren't up for dating someone with kids.

4. Speaking of which, I suggest limiting your search to women who have kids. Parents have a different set of priorities. There are people. of course, who understand these priorities and can get on board even without having been married or had kids themselves, but it is much more common to find that understanding among mates who have kids of their own.

**karl84** · 10-03-11, 11:32 PM

No me and her are over she had been married the last few months and i deserve better then her cheating ass ( cause i worked to much).Thing im thinking about is what do i tell my kids when they start to ask about all this?

karl

**vashti** · 11-03-11, 12:35 AM

How old are they?

**Take2** · 11-03-11, 01:01 AM

Depends on what they ask. Remember that no matter how bad your ex was to you, she is their mother. They love her and they identify with her. No bad word from you about her will ever do anything but cause pain for them. It will feel like a personal insult to THEM, and it will hurt your relationship with them. Learn to see your ex as 2 people, the mother and the ex-wife. And only talk to the kids about the mother.

I have kids close in age to your 2 youngest. Someone gave me a story for them: A sea turtle and a land tortoise fell in love. They tried to be together, but over time they realized it wouldn't work. The sea turtle needed to live in the ocean and the land turtle needed to live on the land. They were different kinds of turtle, and even though they loved each other very much, they couldn't live together. Sometimes people are like that, and they realize they can't live together. It is 100% the grownups' fault and decision, has NOTHING to do with the kids and is not their fault at ALL. Parents don't love their kids any less when they divorce, and the kids have NO responsibility to make things OK or to feel any certain way. It does truly suck for the kids, and it is OK for them to be mad or sad. Someday, you may fall in love again. If you do, then you will be very careful to make sure you have met the right kind of turtle. Some day the kids will fall in love, and they should make sure they have found the right kind of turtle, too.

**Kaius** · 11-03-11, 03:10 AM

I'm going through the same thing. One thing I noticed, for me, it's really hard to start a new life when you have to pay alimony and child support. Also, you should find someone in the same relationship level as you are, meaning a woman with kids who understand the hardship of raising small children. It's tempting to go for the young hotties who like older mature men, but they are soooo bad for the kids. You must consider your kids first no matter what you do. It's a real challenge, but it is possible to find love again after divorce.

sadie_genie · 11-03-11, 04:42 AM

Originally Posted by DoesntMatter

Keep these bitches away from your kids.

Your kids >>> some new skank.

There are tons of stories on here and tons I've heard in real life about step moms and step dads being total bitches or assholes. Don't let that happen!!

awww. DM has family values.

**DoesntMatter** · 11-03-11, 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by sadie_genie

awww. DM has family values.

Of course. The people in my family are the only ones who I love or trust

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