Love Triangle, who to choose?

[Kira]

This is my dillema.

I was with my boyfriend (lets call him 1) for a year and we lived together for half of that. I am 28 and he is 40, he is a buisnuess man and makes 100k a year. First few months was great, then it became a little rocky because he was hiding what he truly wanted in a relationship. Turns out he was into doing D (drugs) recreationally and had swinger tendacies. I tried to please him to what he wanted, it didn't work out and we had a rough break up. He kicked me out and I had to stuggle really hard to get back onto my feet, to which I climbed back to the top beautifully.

We've been broken up for four months now and he wants to get back together, but during the months I have been gone I hooked up with someone else, to whom I am currently dating (lets call him 2), and is the same age as I and is a teacher and does fitness on the side. I still have feelings for 1 and he said he has improved his life style and wishes to change for himself, to make his life better, but it will take time, but he wishes for me to be in it, and may do D a few times and will "try" to hold back the swinger tendacies. But if I really loved him I would be supportive and he will be the best partner I will ever have. I really do love him and feel comfortable around him, we've accepted the darkness in one another and I feel I won't be able to replace that with anyone else. But I feel he will fall back into many old habits, and I will most likely go through much more hardship, but don't know if it's worth it. I love everything about him, just those two main problems which is a part of his personality. I can't expect a change.

But with 2, he dosn't do D, he doesn't even drink, straight edge. He wants to live with me and fully supports me and improves my life, keeps me happy and my head on straight. I do love him as well, but I haven't reached the same comfort level as 1. I have been given an ultimatium to pick one or the other (they both know of each other). And I really don't want to hurt either of them but know I will if I don't choose.

1 doesn't want to live with me again right away (so may be a year), until he states I better myself financially and become more stable, while 2 wants to help me with my finances and live with me to help cut back my bills and be with me every day. But I am unsure if I can live with either. 2 is very motivated, in his eating and work out habits, while I am more of a home body and like my snacks (haha, I am only 120 pounds) and like to go out to the bars from time to time - he hates the bars. 1 is lazy and likes to drink at home, not go out, but we both like to go to the gun rage. My friends dislike 2 because he doesn't drink socially and is extreme in his fitness, while they like 1 because he parties but also dislike him for what he did to me during the break out, so seeking advice from them is a dead end.

Being with 1 means I take the risk of crashing hard and being destructive, who knows what it would be like to start a family. Being with 2, would mean he would help fix my finances but we are so different, he is kinda controlling in how I lead my life - eat right, go to bed early, almost like a father figure.

What I want to know is, would 1 really change his ways? Should I stick with 2 because he is financially and emotionally a sure thing? Or should I risk going back to 1 to see if he changes and either regret or be happy I stuck with him?

In a way I feel its unfair, 1 says if I truly loved him I would stick with him, and 2 states he doesn't want to see me go back down the destructive path with 1 whether or not were together. I really don't know what to do. In the end, I know I have to be selfish to look out for what I want and my own well being, but one moment I want to be with 1 and the other 2. I tried to take a step back and take a break from both, but I still can't make a decision. It's frustrating. I don't know what steps to take in order to come to a decision. Any advice?

[BlackViscountes]

hmmm... *knocking the table.. thinking...... a really tough one.. but.. if I am you.. I would chose 2... 2 is the non-leaving type... no matter what happened to you, no matter what you become... he is the one who will always stand by your side.. never leave..never say goodbye... BUT.. this is your life.. you have to make the best decision for yourself.. and after that.. no turning back and regrets.. regards...

[devonbrown]

You say that 2 is the father figure, but 1 is the one who is 12 years older than you... In my opinion, the relationship with 1 ran its course already. The feelings you have for him are just left over memories of good times, but that doesn't change the reasons why you broke up. And those reasons just become more apparent the second time around, trust me. As for 2, he sounds like he cares for you genuinely, and while his lifestyle may not always suit yours, he sounds like he is looking towards a future and a family with his choices. 1 doesn't seem to be looking for that at all. And at 40 years old, you have to wonder if he will ever look towards that.
It really depends on what you want out of a relationship. My advice though, is to cut 1 loose and stay living on your own while dating 2. That way, you still have your life for snacks and partying without feeling the pressure to change as it sounds like you do with 2.

Good luck.

[steviej]

You don't deserve 2. Let him find someone who will truly appreciate the kind of person he is rather than just using him for emotional and financial support. You clearly aren't that into him.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, 2 sounds like a good guy, but you aren't ready for a good guy yet, you're still wasting your time on bad boys. Even older bad boys.

Cut contact with both of these guys and start fresh with 3, who will probably be another bad boy type.

[Ric]

I'd say 2 is a much better choice. Though it seems like you actually want a guy in between.

[Kira]

Thank you for the responses.

I believe you are right devon, 1 basically started late and he said by hitting 40 it made him realize he needed changes and wants to settle down, and that I am the only person that he can see himself with, but doesn't mean he will, he blows all his money friviously on partying, etc and hasen't made many savings because he can get 10grand in one month as a bonus if he chooses, so he thinks its easy to come by and can spend whenever he feels. He states he wants to buy a house at the end of the year since he knows he won't be moving anymore, and is here permanently (he use to move 2-5 years for his job), and if by then we got a long wants me to move in with him, that he wants to get married some day and start a family - which is what I want. But considering his life style choices I am unsure if that is best. 2 has better moral choices.

I am not using anyone for anything - I have turned down living with 2 and even turned down money to help with finances over and over again. The reason I am financially unstable is because 1 kicked me out (had to get out that day) which left me struggling to start over, caught off guard, I was even living in my car for a week while I sought to get a new place. Why I got kicked? I had a friend for five years (not anymore though pfft), well, she was a horrible friend and wanted him all to herself and he believed her lies, shortly after he realized he was wrong. It was my fault for bringing her around.

If I was out for finances, 1 is the one who makes all the money. I am fine on my own (just took a bit to catch up) and don't need anyone emotionally or financially (been at a good job for four years now and I live with my girlfriend), I simple stated what each had to offer. 1 and 2 both help me in both regards, but that's not the only reasons I care for them.

It was hard to forgive what 1 did to me, and I always give people second chances - then again it has never worked out. I guess I have a hard time letting go because 1 has been so nice to me and has been doing everything and anything to win me back, which makes it all more difficult. While 2 is showing he is a knight.

I chose to live on my own and just date, just hard to chose which one I should continue to date. I am into both of them, but like you say, it may be I am living on the memories of the 1st and did not give myself time to let go of him before starting to date 2 (which 2 is the one who persued me, I wasen't even thinking of dating him originally, but he won me over).

Both know what is going on, as I tell them, I don't hide anything and even told them I feel I shouldn't date either because it would be unfair to chose one and still care for the other. That's why I had to work it out and that they can even walk away at any time. But they both choose to stick around.