She was a swinger

[misterlove3000]

I met a girl two months ago on a dating site and it has been going really well between us. I'm 30, she's 27. We now see each other very often and I'm developing very intense early feelings for her, however; she dropped a bomb on me the other day. I'm not sure how it came up, but I asked if she ever had a threesome. She said" well, actually, I used to go to a swingers club and I've had threesome's, foursome's, and moresomes." She said she was referred to as a "unicorn" because she was a single female at a swinger club and she got involved through a swinger couple that she befriended after a random wild night. I couldn't believe what i was hearing, that is not my lifestyle at all, I've had sex with about 20 people. That is also why, for the most part, I have sought out women with similar sexual pasts as my own, a fairly experienced past. I have also been invited to threesomes and group sex, but it's just not for me.

I want to be mature, and i like her, but being hard to digest, I had a lot of questions. A second conversation revealed that she did this about 2 and 1/2 years ago for three months mainly on weekends and she had been involved mostly with two couples at a time. She said there was one experience with three couples, but the most men she slept with in a night was two, not at the same time. In total, she said she has been with 15 partners in her life, give or take a couple, although she doesn't count the female partners. She gave one woman oral in that time and she said she was bicurious but not now bisexual. She "got it out of her system," she said, and is interested in being with one person, me.

Am I crazy to think that someone with this sort of past is capable of long-term monogamy now? I feel like she started fudging numbers and facts based on my open yet surprised and concerned response. Everyone tells white lies about sexual partners. The numbers aren't going to make or break the relationship. It could be 150 and I would be alright with it. But certain sexual activity that really goes beyond the norm I think might change the game. That dishonesty is not malicious, if her idea of what constitutes as sex does not apply to female partners, then how many partners have been left out because of her loose definition of WHAT constitutes AS a sexual partner?

This is not about a number and getting over the past. This is a question of character. She was a swinger in that she pursued this activity at swinging clubs and parties with couples. I believe in monogamy and this behavior complicates my trust of her boundaries, and maybe even her respect for relationships. Even if a man allowed his wife to me for a night, I wouldn't take it, because I simply don't believe that it has no negative impact on that relationship, regardless of their "open-mindedness." And if it exists the couples that would have no issue, then I feel there is a fundamental difference in values concerning monogamy. Although engaging with couples seems the best way to get nsa sex, I worry that there might be this difference in value which I think might also give us different definitions of monogamy and relationships. I don't think that this is something you can always lay down with conversation.

This also raises concerns for me about her ability to be sexually satisfied by one person...at a time. I want to be her stallion but I only have one cock, and it's not a python. And I don't have breasts, a vagina, and eight hands. Will I never be able to share with her, her most intense sexual moments? I think I understand, it's erotic to fantasize being so submissive that your mouth is full and you're being penetrated and you're being rubbed. It's exhibitionism too. I understand the fantasy, but now that it's not a fantasy anymore, will she ever enjoy one on one sex quite as much?

So please respond to either of the issues, do you think there is a fundamental difference in values concerning relationships, sex and monogamy?
and can someone with not just a promiscuous past, but one of group sex be satisfied with a single sexual partner?


Thank you, Mister

[MerryH]

Am I crazy to think that someone with this sort of past is capable of long-term monogamy now?

Yeah, a little. Just because she experimented with a certain lifestyle for three short months doesn't make her incapable of long-term monogamy. She's not tainted because of it. She told you it's out of her system and that she only wants to be with you. Why don't you believe her? You don't trust her? Why?

Maybe she did fudge the numbers, but you really have no business knowing every detail of her past. Anyway, let's just trust what she said, that she's had 15 partners. That's less than you! Why is what she did worse than what you've done?

If you can't get over it, you should definitely move on. But since you really like her, it would be a real shame to end it over this.

[Zabrinah]

I completely agree with MerryH. So true!!

[vashti]

She was just short of mentally challenged for even THINKING of telling you. Now that it's out, I doubt you will ever be able to forget it.

[MerryH]

She was just short of mentally challenged for even THINKING of telling you.

Agreed, but I'm getting the impression that OP pressed her for details, which was his mistake. Hey OP, next time you get with a lady, don't ask her for the specifics of her sexual history.

[Charlie Boy II]

I highly doubt she has slept with 15 guys. I think she left off a zero on that figure. Given she's lied about that, I think it's likely she's not being frank about the extent of her swinging. I can't say I really blame her though.

But, it's up to you whether stay with her. The swinging doesn't make her a bad person. I also doubt it would make her more likely to cheat. It's just a matter if you can get past the stomach churning feeling of knowning your girlfriend's past and move on. I couldn't, but hopefully you're a bigger person than I am.

[reeba]

Obviously your gf's past bothers the beegeebees out of you, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. But lets be blunt about this, her past would bother most normal people. The problem is that this woman still sees her past as being 'normal', otherwise she wouldn't be telling you so nonchalantly about it. Nothing like lazing about in bed with your significant other, and have them tell you about their sexual exploits. Talk about inappropriate.

If (by some really far fetched chance) she was telling you so you wouldn't find about it later if your relationship went serious, then she picked a really really poor way of doing it. But she appears to have a history of really really poor choices.

And no I don't think asking questions was wrong. All of us would ask out of pure curiousity. Lets face it, we are all intregued on why she would do this swining and what she all did. It is your own little personal freak show. But do you really want to be calling that freak show your gf?

[Regnent]

She doesn't have to see it as 'normal' to be comfortable with it. Maybe she's just not embarrassed about it.

Regardless, either deal with it, or more on. You're not going to change her past, so sitting on it isn't going to do you any good.

[Kira]

reeba,
He asked her first.... so he is the one who opened up the can of worms to hear a response, if you don't want to know, do not ask! And she sounds like a very open-minded individual, those people are to be praised for not letting insecurities and jealously cloud their judgments, she is not a freak show, simply comfortable, nothing wrong with that. I believe its best to get everything out in the open early on in a relationship, why wait a year, and be like HEY by the way - then it doesn't work out because of it. Saves everytime time and heartache to do it early.

Mister,
My boyfriend went through the same concerns as you. For my xbf, the one I dated before him, we were together for a year and we were swingers. When I first started dating my swinger boyfriend, I have always been in a monogamous relationship, six months into the relationship he springs it on me and says he hasen't been happy with me - why? Because he was holding back his true personality - wanting to be in an open relationship. I agreed with it, did not hurt to try it out and I really did love him. During the time we were "open" I had slept with three men (on my own at his request) and both of us messed around with one girl (no sex). We later broke up because of the drama it caused. Now I have been with my current boyfriend four months and he truly believed I would cheat on him because I was use to being in an open relationship. I had to explain to him, before I even slept with a guy, it was at my boyfriends request, I had no desire to do it on my own, only the desire to please my partner. So if to please my partner is to be monogamous, that is what I will do. I actually prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, swinger life styles are rarely free of drama.

And the reality is, she wasen't really a "swinger." A real swinger is when you are with a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend) and you hook up with other partners (or invite just one person). She was single, and went to these parties for fun and something to try. It is the same as if a guy goes to a bar and picks up a chick, or even two chicks at the same time - every guys dream. Or the same as someone casually dating multiple people before getting into a serious relationship and choose oen. So why is she being talked down upon for doing something sexual? And automatically a whore who lies about how many people she has slept with? Being a swinger doesn't make you have extra notches. My boyfriend has slept with over a hundred women, and he has never been a swinger. I was a swinger for six months and only slept with 30 in my life time. More in my partying phase, not my swinging phase. So I told him, I should be more worried about him running off because he use to be a player. At least I am open to what I have done, and see nothing wrong with the life style, but doesn't mean I am going behind someone's back to do it. That life style is something SHARED. If it is not shared, its called cheating. And a swinger doesn't cheat, they want to tell you about it and have you join in. If she hasen't said anything about that, then it means she wants to be monogamous. So you should believe her. A real hard core swinger will not change her life style for you, if she wants to continue to swing, she will find a guy to swing with her. Plain and simple.

I always have the problem where women thought I was trying to steal their boyfriend, I was a whore, I lied about how many people I slept with, all because I was a swinger/was a swinger. But no one ever realizes, because they refuse to do research on it and rather blow up, being ignorant. If they knew that swingers HAD rules, where if you want a couple, both have to agree to be with you - often times friends, acquantaces are kept out of the mix and only other known swinger couples are asked/hooked up with. If you want a single individual, you made sure they were really single. Never cheating. Always communicating.

Long story short. If she is to cheat, its because of her morals, not because she use to be a swinger. Anyone can cheat.

If her past sexual relations bother you, you are insecure and need to get over it. It's the same as, "oh my god, you actually slept with someone before me? you should be a virgin!" Everyone has had multiple partners. Get over it.

[girl68]

Of course she's capable of long term monogamous relationships! She was single at the time and was having fun. This isn't cheating, now if she has a history of cheating on her bf's or has never had one... THAT is alarming.

[devonbrown]

Past is past. Future is future. The only thing that you need to concern yourself with is the present. And you said you like her and like spending time with her, etc. Then you should continue to do that. However, if your knowledge about her past has made you not enjoy being around her in the present, then you should end things. Remember though, she is the same person who you enjoyed being around before those conversations. The only thing that has changed is that you have more knowledge now. But nothing "real" has changed.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

Agreed, but I'm getting the impression that OP pressed her for details, which was his mistake. Hey OP, next time you get with a lady, don't ask her for the specifics of her sexual history.

It's not always your choice though. My wife told me of her past without my asking. She was aware of my um... checkered past, so it wasn't because she was fishing for information.