How do I work things out with my ex in this situation?

[Lando]

I'm sure everyone has at one point wanted to get a girl back, and hopefully I can get some good advice. Before I ask tho, let me explain the situation.

First, our relationship did not end on a sour note. It simply became a distance thing because I move away, and it simply became to hard on her emotionally so she ended it. At that point, I was equally unburdened by that feeling of constant longing so it seemed like it was for the best at that time. We did both let each other know that we still loved each other at that point and were both willing to try it again if he ever found ourselves closer together, but without any certainty when we could see each other again it was simply too much to deal with. After that, we still continued to talk to each other all the time, and that went on for months. Eventually however I realized that I was not moving on, and made an effort to speak to her less, which seems foolish looking back. Over the summer, we really drifted apart, as we were still in different places in the country, and hardly spoke to each other. I thought about her all the time however, as I couldn't help but regretting moving away in the first place. It was not essential that I did so in the first place. I soon, and rather unexpectedly found myself in the same town she lives in, as I was visiting some friends. She heard that I was coming and asked if I would like to be picked up at the airport. So of course I say yes, a little nervous about the whole thing.

So there she is at the airport, and we end up spending the day together before I meet up wit the friend I came to see. We all end up going out, having some drinks, and next thing you know the two of us are in bed together. (She was not really drunk or anything, so its not like I was taking advantage of her) My original plan was to take a trip just for a week to see some friends, but I am able to land a job out of the blue (thanks to her help actually) and I decide to stay around to see how things work out. So a few nights together later, I finally ask the question. "What do you want between us if I decide to say here?" She takes a deep breath and has a look of sadness on her face that I have not seen before, so I ask her if she had given it any thought. She says she has, but that she can't be in a relationship right now as she has to much to deal with, despite that she felt and that everything that we had together was great. I ask her to explain what she is dealing with and she goes onto explain that over the summer she was in a relationship that was very bad. Lots of lies, she was cheated on, abused and all around made to feel worthless. At this point she bursts into tears so I end up holding her in my arms as she cries for the next hour or so. I end up spending the night but not in a "spend the night" sort of way.

At this point, all I want to do is be there for her because she is obviously going through a hard time, and we continue to hang out for a while. Then it comes time for me to find a place to live, and this may have been my biggest mistake. There is very little vacancy in the city i am in, so the place I end up staying is just right around the corner from her. I needed a place however so I took it, as the other i looked at where holes in the wall. So it does nto take long after this that she starts to become more distant. I soon explain to her that I am sorry for not giving her enough space, and she says she understands, but its hard for her because she feels I am trying to get back with her and that she simply does not know how to deal with that at the moment.. I tell her that I still have feelings for her, and I would much prefer to work them out with her, even if it does not mean we get back together. She has not really elaborated on her feelings, she is simply turned off to the idea of a relationship in general, so it has been hard to gauge if it is me she is not into anymore, or that she needs time alone to get over her bad relationship. She has told be it is a matter of taking time to her self to get over the negative feelings she was subjected to from her ex. As time goes on I start to feel as if my efforts to see if there are any feelings between us are hurting her, so I kind of back away, and dont say much for quite a while, hoping she might begin to re-examine our past herself. Not much happens.

SO we are able to see each other once in a while. We are both very busy, and she is a student on top of that, so we have little time to really plan anything. I eventually talked to her about my desire to spend more time with her, and we have since been talking more, and planned a few more things to do together. I decide to talk to her more, ask her for more of her time, and make myself more attractive to spend time with by suggesting fun stuff to do. SO we will see how this goes

Now, she certainly has an idea of how I feel about this. So I am wondering if anyone has advice for a guy in a difficult situation. It kills me that some %^&*&* may have ruined my chance with this girl because he could not see what an amazing person she is and has turned her off of being with anyone. I am not asking for sure fire ways to get her back, as that is ultimately going to be her decision after she works out her problems. I certainly want to know what I may be able to do to help her with those issues, but I also want to know I should do to help remind her of how good a healthy relationship can be, like the one we had. And with any luck, maybe she would want to try it again. How do I do any of this without making it look like I am chasing her and being a pest. I really do want to help her with this but when I want to be with her at the same time how can I be in her life without being an inconvenience?

[steviej]

If you stand by her being supportive, helping her get over her issues, being a shoulder to cry on etc you run the risk of her losing attraction for you and you get friend zoned!

Personally i'd avoid doing that. Do the opposite, take her mind off things by having fun, going places etc but don't mention the future/rrelationships, feelings and stuff. Instead concentrate on the present. She needs her other friends to discuss and get over her issues, you need to be the fun and confident person that sets a spark going inside her. Otherwise all you're doing is helping to heal her for some scumbag to sweep her off her feet, trash her feelings and leave you to pick up the pieces.

[devonbrown]

Being her friend is not a bad thing, especially in this situation. Staying in her life as her friend shows her that you care for her and she can trust you. If you back away completely, it might make her seem that you are only interested in sex and not in her specifically.
At the same time, she has made it clear she is not ready for a relationship. Take her at her word on this. You can stay friends with her but do not neglect your own dating life. Do not put off other potential dating partners because you are waiting on her. And if she gets jealous of these other girls, it is the perfect avenue to discuss the issue in detail with her.

Good luck.

[Lando]

Can anyone else give me some advice? I am startign to make an effort to strike up conversations more, but it seems i am always the one who needs to start them. She says its becuase she is busy, but am i being too forward?