Hi all
Hope this is the right forum to seek some advice. I recently posted a thread in the Broken Hearts forum but I think this one is more appropriate here.
Some background – a much shorter version than in my other thread.* I’m about to turn 40, have been married for 14 years, two kids. Reasonably good job and after working hard for 15 years we now have a nice house with everything we wanted, we’ve only just finished some renovations to get it to the point we wanted.
However – I’m pretty unhappy. I have suffered from depression on and off over the years but I am currently on medication to control it. That isn’t the problem though – my marriage is. I married a girl I loved at the time who was very safe, very trustworthy. Previously I had a 4 year relationship when I was quite young which was passionate but tumultuous, and eventually ended in her betraying me.* That broke my heart and I think when I went looking next time I found someone who would never do that to me again.
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So the marriage went well for a while but my wife is not a passionate person, where as I am.* I love to touch and express my feelings physically – not just sex but just a lot of intimacy.* My wife however is the complete opposite, she doesn’t like to be touched, never participates in sex, doesn’t like to kiss, no intimacy at all.* It’s been that way right from the start.* Initially I thought she was just inexperienced and would “warm” to it over time.* As the years passed though I gradually learned that this was just her, she doesn’t want to change.* Its caused a lot of tension.* I buried my feelings for a long time, until eventually recently I had what most of you would call an affair … but my wife and I actually discussed it first and she was ok with me seeking some intimacy outside the marriage.* Problem was I fell in love with this other girl but it all ended recently as it just couldn’t work long term.
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Now however I am torn in my marriage.* After 14 years I was (briefly) with a woman who was totally passionate and it was wonderful.* I’ve used the analogy – its like being blind all your life, you don’t know what you are missing.* Then suddenly you can see the world in all its glory.* Then you lose it and become blind again and now its torture, because you know what you are missing.
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So it sounds obvious, leave and get a divorce, right?* Trouble is … its not that easy.* I’ve thought about it, and realised that the wife and I don’t have much in common any more … we don’t share many interests, when at home we basically do our own thing.* But we don’t fight and we get on fine as friends.* Strange as it sounds, if I left I think I would miss her.* Even though I am unhappy with no intimacy in my life she is still the rock that the household revolves around.* I’m scared if I left I’d be lonely – I don’t like to be alone.* I’ve never had casual relationships – while I’m not the ugliest guy on the face of the planet I’m not the type to pick up girls easily either.* It seems like such a gamble to leave, I might end up alone and lonely.
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Then there are the kids.* People have said that the kids would be happier if we did split but I don’t think so … my wife and I don’t fight at home and I’m sure the kids think all is well.* It would be a hell of a shock to them.* I’m not sure I can do it to them.
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Then there is the financial side … it would be ruinous to split, we’d have to sell the house and both of us would struggle financially if we had to maintain two separate households.* Plus after working so long to get the nice things we wanted it seems heartbreaking to lose it all.
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My wife seems quite happy just to continue on.* She has what she wants really – a home, a husband, a family.* She doesn’t want anything else.* Problem is from my point of view the marriage is just almost just habit.* I’d miss her, but all we are really doing is raising the kids.* There is no intimacy.* Don’t say this happens all the time the spark dies … there never was a spark in her.* I thought I could create one but now I know it can never exist.
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We’ve agreed to go to counselling in a few weeks.* I’m falling back into depression though because to me it seems like damned if I stay and damned if I go.* So uncertain, so unsure, what the right course of action is.* Would appreciate any advice from people who have faced these sort of decisions before and had to make the tough choices.