Uncertain Future

[tmj99]

Hi all

Hope this is the right forum to seek some advice. I recently posted a thread in the Broken Hearts forum but I think this one is more appropriate here.

Some background – a much shorter version than in my other thread.* I’m about to turn 40, have been married for 14 years, two kids. Reasonably good job and after working hard for 15 years we now have a nice house with everything we wanted, we’ve only just finished some renovations to get it to the point we wanted.

However – I’m pretty unhappy. I have suffered from depression on and off over the years but I am currently on medication to control it. That isn’t the problem though – my marriage is. I married a girl I loved at the time who was very safe, very trustworthy. Previously I had a 4 year relationship when I was quite young which was passionate but tumultuous, and eventually ended in her betraying me.* That broke my heart and I think when I went looking next time I found someone who would never do that to me again.
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So the marriage went well for a while but my wife is not a passionate person, where as I am.* I love to touch and express my feelings physically – not just sex but just a lot of intimacy.* My wife however is the complete opposite, she doesn’t like to be touched, never participates in sex, doesn’t like to kiss, no intimacy at all.* It’s been that way right from the start.* Initially I thought she was just inexperienced and would “warm” to it over time.* As the years passed though I gradually learned that this was just her, she doesn’t want to change.* Its caused a lot of tension.* I buried my feelings for a long time, until eventually recently I had what most of you would call an affair … but my wife and I actually discussed it first and she was ok with me seeking some intimacy outside the marriage.* Problem was I fell in love with this other girl but it all ended recently as it just couldn’t work long term.
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Now however I am torn in my marriage.* After 14 years I was (briefly) with a woman who was totally passionate and it was wonderful.* I’ve used the analogy – its like being blind all your life, you don’t know what you are missing.* Then suddenly you can see the world in all its glory.* Then you lose it and become blind again and now its torture, because you know what you are missing.
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So it sounds obvious, leave and get a divorce, right?* Trouble is … its not that easy.* I’ve thought about it, and realised that the wife and I don’t have much in common any more … we don’t share many interests, when at home we basically do our own thing.* But we don’t fight and we get on fine as friends.* Strange as it sounds, if I left I think I would miss her.* Even though I am unhappy with no intimacy in my life she is still the rock that the household revolves around.* I’m scared if I left I’d be lonely – I don’t like to be alone.* I’ve never had casual relationships – while I’m not the ugliest guy on the face of the planet I’m not the type to pick up girls easily either.* It seems like such a gamble to leave, I might end up alone and lonely.
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Then there are the kids.* People have said that the kids would be happier if we did split but I don’t think so … my wife and I don’t fight at home and I’m sure the kids think all is well.* It would be a hell of a shock to them.* I’m not sure I can do it to them.
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Then there is the financial side … it would be ruinous to split, we’d have to sell the house and both of us would struggle financially if we had to maintain two separate households.* Plus after working so long to get the nice things we wanted it seems heartbreaking to lose it all.
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My wife seems quite happy just to continue on.* She has what she wants really – a home, a husband, a family.* She doesn’t want anything else.* Problem is from my point of view the marriage is just almost just habit.* I’d miss her, but all we are really doing is raising the kids.* There is no intimacy.* Don’t say this happens all the time the spark dies … there never was a spark in her.* I thought I could create one but now I know it can never exist.
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We’ve agreed to go to counselling in a few weeks.* I’m falling back into depression though because to me it seems like damned if I stay and damned if I go.* So uncertain, so unsure, what the right course of action is.* Would appreciate any advice from people who have faced these sort of decisions before and had to make the tough choices.

[tmj99]

Sorry for the asterisks in there, some weird formatting thing is going on.

[Ric]

You first need to get over your seeming fear for being alone. Don't see it as a gamble. See it as a singular event. You are unhappy, you don't connect at all on a sexual/intimate level, you don't get what you want and need out of your relationship.
Take finances out of the equation. I'm sure both of you can manage smaller places on your own. If you're not happy and there's no hope for change, you shouldn't be together out of convenience.

[bubabalo]

You are only with your wife because of fear of being alone.
If you find another person to be with, you are going to leave her, if you don't find another person you will be witn her because it's better than be alone.
You don't love your wife anymore and she probably knows that deep inside. The divorce it will be not only fair to you but really fair to your wife. You are using her until you don't find someone else. If you leave her she will hurt for a while but then she will be fine and free to start over again with someone that really loves her. If you wait to leave her when you find someone else she will know and she will be even more hurt cause she will know that she was being used.
I know it isn't easy to be alone. I can relate to you. But the best thing to do is work on ourselves and find our own happiness regardless others.

[Johnsmon]

You sound like me 15 years in the future...im stuck trying to decide if i should propose to someone like your wife

[tmj99]

Thanks for the replies. I can appreciate what you are saying about my wife's perspective, but I don't think you can use the typical point of view in this case. She really is mostly happy with her own company, she has no sex drive at all, no desire for intimacy. I have said to her on several occasions this needs to be what we both want. She really is happy just to exist as we do now. I'm not saying there's not regret and some hurt that things aren't working well right now. I think it is a case of we were incompatible from the start but we both wanted companionship and security. I always thought with time we would " meet in the middle" but I've finally realized this isn't going to happen. But it's been so long, even though I am missing intimacy in my life I know if I leave I will miss her too ... Or is this just so ingrained because we've been together 15 years? Either way seems such a gamble to me right now.

[tmj99]

You sound like me 15 years in the future...im stuck trying to decide if i should propose to someone like your wife

Be really sure you can live without it. Don't think you can change her ... I've tried. Ultimately my wife says she doesn't want to change. Would I do it again? Probably, because we have had good times and 2 wonderful kids. But be really, really sure you can live with your decision, because having to choose after a long time is hell.

[tmj99]

One more thing. Yes fear of being alone is a factor I won't deny it. A bigger factor though is the kids, I think it would have an enormous impact on them. But if I stay just for them, then leave when they are grown, I'll be 50, and that seems too late to start again.

[bubabalo]

I have to agree with you with that, this will be a enormous impact on your kids life. I have lots of friends with divorced parents and this is always hard for the children.

[Johnsmon]

I think it could impact younger kids more. Once they are old enough to understand the relationship a little bit more it could be a lot easier on them, but depending on their ages that may not be for a while like you say. I personally think my parents would be happier divorced and I would totally support it, but I doubt they will at this point because they are old themselves.

[bubabalo]

Every situation is different. I don't know how old are your kids and what are their gender but if you leave their mother and she gets hurt and have a hard time to cope your children will see that and they will suffer too.
Even today if my father decided to leave my mother and she was hurting it would be really hard for me. A broken family is never easy for anyone.

[tmj99]

Thanks. I have one of each, a son almost twelve and a daughter 7 and half. They are great kids. As I've mentioned though, I don't think externally we are showing that many signs ... there isnt any fighting in the house, we've just grown apart, as well as the intimacy issue of course which the children are completely unaware. So if the split happened I think it would come as a great shock to the kids rather than a relief.

I'm going through a maelstrom of emotions. I'm trying to picture what single life would be like, sometimes I think I would cope, even maybe grow to like parts of it. Then something will happen at home and I'll think how can I give all this up. I've tried weighing up pros and cons and I keep coming up with pretty even lists of both.

Bottom line - I crave intimacy, and I am certain now it wont happen in this marriage. We don't seem to have any likes in common anymore. We don't spend any time together at night we do our own thing. We sleep in the same bed but thats all it is - just sleeping. Yet I still care about her, she's been my partner for 15 years and the mother of my children. I know if I leave I'll be breaking up a stable household for financial and emotional instability.

I just don't know.