Long term relationship problems

[nagash]

Greetings!

I have been with my girl for almost 4 years, I'm 25 she's 33. She likes to go out for drinks a lot and as we all know your worst fears can come to life when your woman is drunk, that is without you being present. When she drinks she transforms into an extremely emotional person, with a complete lack of rational, logical thought. I don't like going out as much so she frequently goes out with mutual friends / girlfriends.

2 years ago I caught her lying to me about something very serious. She disagrees about the seriousness of the matter, of course, but that was when I stopped having complete blind trust in her and started questioning everything.

She came home drunk after midnight, laid in bed with me, her phone started ringing but she didn't pick up. They called again and after a few rings she finally picks up, gets out of the room and proceeds to talk for almost half an hour. When she comes back I ask her who it was, she says a girl from work she was out with. I sense bs and the next day I ask her for that girls number so I can confirm. She changes the story and says it was some guy that I know of but never met with whom they've been friends for years. I said ok, let me call him. 5 minutes of silence precede the truth that she was out having drinks with a guy she does work for (he's married and lives in another city but visits often). Swears nothing happened and that she didn't tell me so that I didn't get jealous for no reason. Well.... that plan failed miserably.... The guy is a brilliant scientist and apparently a very cool dude. She's had drinks with him a few times before and always talked about how amazing he is. After spending all evening together what was left to be said on the phone for so long? She says he called he to see if she got home OK. OK I say...

So after all this she swears she will forever be truthful blablabla and then a few months later the exact same thing happens, only this time she turns off her phone and tells me it was X, they were out together and she didn't feel like talking to them. Again I know she's lying, I wait for her to go to sleep and I look at the phone. Voila! Same guy. I can't remember her reaction but I will guess it was the same as before.

Did she have sex with him? I will probably never know. All I know is that he likes her and I had to push really hard to have her confirm that. She says he never tried to kiss her.

So that's how the glass broke. Everything was perfect up until then, I was madly in love and would do anything for her without asking for anything back. Her happiness made me happy. She was the woman of my dreams. I trusted her without second thought. Needless to say, it's not like that anymore. This has been my longest relationship and I see now that this thing people call "love" or "in love" or whatever you may call it is a mindgame with an expiration date. Everyday friction and routine inevitably leads to that passion fading away. Honestly, I really care about her and I love her, but not quite as much as I used to.

So today comes and we have another incident on which I would really want your opinions. We made a few new friends last year through mutual friends and one of them is this guy. He's a cool guy and I like him, or did, until I realized he's interested in my girl. Or is he?

Last week we are to go out someplace but she says "We have to stop by X bar for a little bit or "Guy" will kill me." Uh, ok, that sounds intense. Let's go. We get there and stay there. The whole place is filled with people we know. During the night they end up having a couple of long personal conversations and since I am a guy too, watching his mannerisms while talking to her and the way he looked at her I ""know"" that he likes her. I just do.

On the way home I mention it casually as a given fact. "So I see X kinda likes you huh?" She says she has no clue and that she never got that impression. Now that's weird, cause I'm a pretty good reader of human interactions and I would testify that he is sexually interested in her. The signs were just too many for it to be a coincidence. Now this is a guy she's spent much more time with than I have, been to his house to watch movies (allegedly with other people too), been out for drinks with him etc. So my question is, assuming that she's telling the truth, how could I, a much younger male pick up on it from just observing their interactions for a few minutes.... and she, a woman with much more dating experience under her belt than me, can't after spending so much time with the guy? This is a serious breach of logical sequence, and when this happens I have a strong feeling I'm being lied to... very poorly so.

You can see that I am solely using logic here and do my best to discard my emotions as to have a clearer picture.

The next day I am on my laptop which we share, I go on facebook and her account is logged in. I don't do this often, but when I'm pretty confident something's up, I do invade her privacy to confirm my fears. This is her message history with this guy. Note that this is just the tip of the iceberg, a fraction of their interactions, as they have spent many hours together in person. Also, I'm pretty sure that they switched over to txting and calling after they exchanged numbers. Even after confronted with this she still denies any knowledge that the guy likes her and swears that she doesn't like him at all. After all, he was dating her friend. And listen to this... He always tells her she's not his type. Funny, that's what I used to say to girls I was trying to pick up.

All she had to say was "yes I think he likes me" and it would be over. I have no problem with that. But when you lie I know something's up. And it looks like she is following her familiar procedure of "lie until proven a liar".. So please give me your feedback, let me know if I'm over reacting or if I have the right to be worried. Is this sexual interest or not?

ps. note the dates.
ps2. A couple of months ago we had a big fight which led to her crying on the phone and saying that "she wants to cheat on me". The next night, at around 3 am I get a drunken txt "I almost cheated on you tonight and it felt good" Any women care to explain what "almost cheated" means in your language? Much obliged.

July 24, 2010
Guy
o It was nice seeing you tonight
July 25, 2010
Girl
o me too, had fun! if i don't see you, have a great time in X!
July 25, 2010
Guy
o Thanks.. I'm leaving tomorrow eve and will be back on Friday..

July 28, 2010
Girl
o Have a safe trip, see you when u get back. How come X? Where u going?
July 28, 2010
Guy
o I am in X for work.. I work for X

October 31, 2010
Guy
Your cute.. How are you??
October 31, 2010
Guy
Wtf Why aren't you sexting me back
October 31, 2010
Guy
o No your lame ... Ha
November 1, 2010
Girl
o how could i not sext u back, thanks so much for tonight - kisses!
November 1, 2010
Guy
o Hopefully I will see you tomorrow. now go to bed x
November 1, 2010
Guy
o How do you feel today? Did you get enough rest?
November 1, 2010
Girl
o Couldn't sleep last night it was so bad.... I'm at X just got some food and heading home to get some sleep. How was your day?
November 1, 2010
Guy
o I couldnt sleep either.. I am going to X now for dinner so stop by if you like otherwise. Sleep tight
November 1, 2010
Girl
o Need to get home...
November 1, 2010
Guy
o Cant sleep can you?
November 2, 2010
Girl
o Feeling great, slept for hours. I so needed it... you?
November 2, 2010
Guy
o Me too I slept great. It must have been because I went to the gym
November 2, 2010
Guy
o Nice seeing you tonight I can't sleep now
o My number Is XXXX whats yours?
November 2, 2010
Girl
o XXXX, call me! Hope u had fun, but not too much with out us
November 2, 2010
Guy
o I told you to come.. We had a nice dinner and I came back home now I cant sleep and am bored. You should play hookey tomorrow
November 2, 2010
Girl
o Shhh, don't be a bad influence I just started my new job!

[smackie9]

Stop blaming the guy....he has nothing to do with your GF's behaviour. Dude you GF is a attention whore and that is how she is. You couldn't possibly ever do anything to change that. Sorry but you can't cage her up and throw away the key. If she was so IN LOVE with you she wouldn't give him the time of day. She is the one that is allowing contact, she allows him to flirt with her, she allows him to phone her, etc. It's your GF dude....time to say goodbye.

[smackie9]

The reason she has disconnected from your relationship is because there isn't enough compatibility and there are things lack like excitement, romance and attention from you. She is bored, feeling the need to be sexually desired....she doesn't get it from you so she gets it from someone else. She is having an emotional affair. He gives her what she needs. As for compatibility, it is a key component to relationship longevity. Without introducing new interests, hobbies, or activities that you both can be passion about and share.....the relationship is doomed. A relationship cannot survive on love alone.

[nagash]

Thank you for your reply.
First of all, I am not blaming the guy; I’ve been in his shoes before. While I am annoyed that he is being disrespectful I can’t really hate him. I’ve always thought that when a woman cheats it is her boyfriends fault for not giving her what she needs. Now I am that guy and I think that’s a bit too selfish on the woman’s part. There are many things I would like for her to do that she won’t but I’m not running around trying to get them from someone else.

While it may look like it, she is not an attention whore. She likes to socialize, it is her favorite hobby. She likes being around people, I don’t. Social interactions, especially ones over drinks, bore me to death with their emptiness and meaningfulness. It is very hard for me to find a person I can have an interesting conversation with. I would rather be left alone. She knows that yet she still often puts me in situations where I wish I could just disappear and go do my own thing.

You hit the nail on the head with your second post. We have talked about our incompatibility and came to the conclusion that despite our differences, there is more that brings us together. Excitement, romance and attention from me have all declined over time. She keeps saying she needs all that but I can’t do something that doesn’t come naturally to me. We both miss the old days and want to go back, but I wish it was that simple. There was a time when we didn’t even need words to understand each other. Now every little argument has the potential of turning into a fight, with me using only logic and her using only emotions, most arguments remain unresolved.

Another key component to a relationship is compromise. She doesn’t like to do that one very often. My father taught me to apologize to a woman even when I think she’s wrong as to avoid big fights and friction. That’s exactly what I’ve done but I’m getting sick and tired of it and that’s why we’ve been having more fights lately. Her stubbornness and inability to accept her wrongs and apologize is something that really bothers me. In 4 years, the times that she said the words “I’m sorry” is probably a single digit number.
We have talked about getting into an activity we both enjoy but we can’t seem to do that. What are we gonna do, take pottery classes? It is really hard for me to find an activity that I really like.

I know that she wants to be sexually desired, although she won’t admit she’s trying to get that elsewhere and says she only needs it from me. Lately our sexual life has been a rollercoaster ride. One day we are fine, another day an insignificant argument turns into a big fight that turns me off and pushes me away.
She gets a lot of attention from other men and that has made her overvalue her worth. She thinks she deserves the moon and the stars because men constantly drop on their knees for her. These guys see the wrapping and get mesmerized. I have seen the whole package, both the pretty and the ugly sides. To no avail I try to explain the mechanics behind all this. That if all those guys were with her as long as I have, most of them wouldn’t tolerate her bad side. She agrees and thanks me for being so “wonderful” but the next day she’s back at it again. I really feel like I can’t satisfy her overwhelming needs anymore and it makes me really sad to say so.

Don't get me wrong, I think she’s a wonderful creature. I crossed the Atlantic and moved to the states to be with her. She changed my whole life for the better and I am grateful, but now I feel lost. Is there hope for a rebirth of the relationship or is it over? I honestly don’t know. 2 years ago I would gladly marry her, now I can’t see myself doing that, not unless a major change happens.

To end this post, I get that you agree that there is indeed a sexual connotation in those messages. Is there a chance that she really is oblivious to it and isn’t trying to hide something much worse?

Thank you

[blv]

Wow, that is some post. You seem like a pretty logical and analytical type of person. Also a good writer. I agree with Smackie on most accounts. You also mentioned that she is more emotional and you more logical. I found these two types have a hard time working things out and getting on in the long run. Your whole lifestyles are totally different. She wants to go out and you want to be alone doing your own thing. Hard to make those two types work too. Also with her age is doubtful she'll change. Mistrust and doubt has creeped into the relationship and once its there, it's hard to remove it. It will always be there in the back of your mind. You're young and seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Time for you to make a choice for yourself. What do you want?

[smackie9]

Well this is the thing about relationships. When they start out, you are so sucked in with those euphoric feelings for each other....biologically it's a release of chemicals in the brain like serotonin and oxytocin. They call it the "Honeymoon Stage" which lasts between 6 months to a year and a half. During this stage the conflicting differences are ignored or over looked, but things do slow down after this and the differences start to surface. If you don't have compatibility things will slowly start to fall apart. Arguments will ensue, demands seem unfulfillable, desire drops off, mood swings arise and all that is left is frustration. Some people sit there and ask "What the hell happened?" and they wish for the way it was. Well the way it was will not come back, it's in the past.

Her behaviour is from your behaviour towards her. She is short tempered because she is frustrated with you. You turned out to be someone she shouldn't be with and now she is thinking about what she should do and it scares her. If she was with the right guy she wouldn't have a need to behave this way. So if you think her behavior she has with you will block her from finding someone to marry her you are just kidding yourself. Your ego is smashed because some guy is stealing her away from you and she is hot for him. So down playing her isn't going to convince me she isn't going to make someone else the happiest guy in the world.

Socializing is what she is passion about, and is a big part of who she is. You hate it and leave her alone and that is a huge mistake. Couples need compatibility to share their passions which creates a deeper connection which is so vital for a relationship to last for years. This dictates every aspect of how you treat each other, how you respond to each other, and how you respect each other. Basically you have hit a brick wall....it can't go any further. I feel you are being selfish because how a woman response is how you treat her. If you don't show affection outside the bedroom, tell her how hot she is in those jeans, share an interest in what she does....she's gonna go find it somewhere else. She told you what she needed and you think she was selfish with her requests. Shame on you. If you lack the interest in making this work, it's no wonder she has wondered off. And no she is not oblivious to his intentions, she is using him for the emotional attention.....she thinks it's ok because there is no sex involved, but it is cheating. She has emotionally left your relationship. As for the dude...a woman that is not engaged or married is free game to anyone.

Here's the deal. If you want to salvage this, you have to truly want to give her the attention and passion she wants. Women need to feel needed and appreciated, complimented, romanced. If this is too much trouble, you have already lost her. Give her the life she truly wants....break up with her so she can finally go pursue it.