I'm looking for a friend as anti-social as I am. Is this as unhealthy as I suspect?

[JohnPoe]

Every once in awhile I get in a melancholy, lonely mood. So help me, I just posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a friend, and in the process I think I've discovered I need to re-define what a good friend should be. Instead of re-hashing everything, I'll just post the gargantuan ad and ask: How should I change the way I look at friendship?

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Looking for a friend as anti-social as I am

As the title says, I'm looking for someone fairly antisocial who would like a new friend. Yes, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but, ah, bear with me here and I'll try to explain.

I'm a student at UT, twenty years old, I love being active but hate actually exercising, I like cooking but won't do it unless there's somebody around that I think will compliment me for it afterwards, I avoid studying like the plague and usually wind up getting a B+ in things because of my poor work ethic, and I love video games and fan-fiction but have never, ever, ever admitted that to anyone. Not family, previous girlfriends, strangers on the bus, no-one. Mainly because of vanity. The vanity that compels me to say that that I am a thin, but not emaciated man who practices great personal hygenie and who has no problem getting a date with a girl who is at least a conventional "7" given about a week of time even though I really like video games and fan-fiction. Now, I think that most of you won't believe me when I say this because, after all, I am posting on Craigslist, but I'm not very socially awkward at all. No, really - I just REALLY have trouble finding people that I (1) can actually be myself around and (2) that I want to hang out with for an extended period of time. This is mostly my fault. I'm a introverted guy - that is, I enjoy big groups and parties on occasion, but they really drain my energy. My "me" time is important to me, so I never really pursue anything other than a few close relationships. Also, I am lazy, and close relationships are a helluva lot of work, and thus, not worth it for me if I don't actually really enjoy being with the person in question. I'm also picky as hell, and if someone who I think I can be myself with doesn't have a good sense of humor or otherwise has a personality flaw that I really don't like, I don't pursue it.

Now... I realize that my "pickiness" is basically a combination of a judgmental nature, insecurity, and unrealistic expectations that I set myself up for after hanging out with the likable, nuanced characters of Half-Life 2 for far too long. All the same, I've been living in this fashion for quite a few years now, and am pretty happy on the whole. A lot of this is because I have a great relationship with my family and because I can get my "social fix" fulfilled pretty steadily by either casual conversation with classmates or the occasional short romance. I'll go ahead and be upfront, though... I haven't had what I would call a true friend since elementary school.

And I want to change that. I imagine getting married one day, but as things stand I'd have no groomsmen. If I want to go to a movie, I go with my roommates whom I dislike or I go alone. I don't have anybody that I can play Mario Kart with, or go camping with, or anybody who I would want with me when I'm facing a problem. I want somebody I can be completely honest with, and somebody whom I can actually care about in a real, deep, friendship. I realize that actually saying that out-loud sorta breaks the laws of meaningful friendship in movies and such, but screw it. I'm trying the good-old-fashioned way (joining a few clubs around campus and such), but I'm also trying here. Mainly because the anonymity allows me to throw out my big flaws and see if anybody is okay with that.

As for whom I'm looking for, nothing is really a deal breaker because everyone is different and labels are not going to be very helpful. That said, I'm about to use a helluva lot of labels here. I really don't get along with jock/frat boy types usually (mostly because I don't like beer or sports or feeling emasculated all that much), I don't get along with people who are super-social-butterflies usually (I don't like constantly being in a big group, or the feeling of "competing" for someone's attention), and I also don't really like republicans, religion, or evil in general.

Ideally you would be somebody who is as anti-social as I am, and for similar reasons. You'd be somebody I could watch an anime with, and somebody who doesn't talk about anime that much in public. A closet nerd, if you would. Yeah, that's what I'm looking for. A friends-with-embarrassing-video-game-benefits. Somebody who would go on a road trip to somewhere with me. A wingman. A smart guy with perhaps less than full self-esteem with a great sense of humor who...is... just...like me.

I am way too self absorbed. I think this has probably been a colossal waste of time because I probably need to fundamentally change what I think it takes to get a real friend. This has been cathartic, though. On the off chance that any of the above mess appeals to you at all, send me an e-mail and mention what you would want your super-power to be if you were granted one. It is a good insight into a person's personality, I think. I would save and load my life with ten save slots, by the way. Immortality, plus I would never get anything wrong because I'd be able to try and re-try until I got it right.

[AirbenderAang]

You're biggest problem stems from narciscism and it is certainly getting in the way of your social life. There are millions of guys who do not like beer, sports, or being emasculated. There are millions of guys who like to play video games, watch movies, watch anime, go camping, and read fan fiction. Yet with all of these millions of guys why haven't you had any friends? It sounds like you haven't had any friends because they haven't measured up to your arbitrary high standards.

You probably don't even realize how narciscistic you sound and how that interferes with your social relationships. Numerous times throughout your post you say how great you are, how picky you are, how you are entitled to be the center of attention.

"I am able to get a B+ without even studying. "
(In other words: I am so smart/I am so great)

"I like cooking but won't do it unless there's somebody around that I think will compliment me for it afterwards"
(In other words: I say I like cooking, but most likely I like the compliments more than the gift of giving).

"The vanity that compels me to say...
(more why I am so great)

"I'm also picky as hell, and if someone who I think I can be myself with doesn't have a good sense of humor or otherwise has a personality flaw that I really don't like, I don't pursue it."
(In other words: I have incredibly high standards that most people don't measure up)

(I don't like constantly being in a big group, or the feeling of "competing" for someone's attention),
(In other words, I should always have your undivided attention. I am that important.

"and I also don't really like evil in general."
(Gosh well who does?)

The thing is, if you really want to have a friendship, you need to tone down such talk way down. If you can change your thoughts about such things, great do it. Stop being so in love with yourself and feeling so entitled. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake, but damn man, your shit still stinks like the rest of us.

In conclusion it sounds like you could be diagnosed with Narcisitic Personality Disorder. Use that information as you will.

[MerryH]

Your whole ad makes you sound really unappealing. On the off-chance that someone responds, what type of person would it be? Someone just like you who possesses these unappealing traits? Why would you want to spend time with someone like that?

And yes, you need to change the way you look at friendship. If you keep discarding people because they aren't funny enough or have a flaw you don't like, or are social, religious, republican, etc you're going to continue being lonely. Don't be so judgmental. Just because someone isn't exactly like you shouldn't mean they have no value to you as a friend.

[JeyGant]

This thread solved the exact problem I have.
Thank you very much!!

[steviej]

Are you a closet arrogant person?