Help for the clueless girl :(

[Looq]

1) he's my best friend's ex

Then you need to speak the your ex and see how they feel about the possibility. While you at it, if they are okay with things, you can ask them for advice.

2) he's not very good with managing money,

My gf is the same, but we get by all right. This shouldn't be a factor, unless you think he will end up with a loan shark or something. =P

3) his grades are not that good at all,

While his grades are not important, his intelligence is. If your looking for a good and honest relationship then equal intelligence is fairly important (but it doesn't have be exact, just the same ball park). Remember academic smarts aren't the only kind of smarts.

4) he takes relationships way too seriously way too fast.

If that's a problem for you then you need to say so and let him know what your after, in both the short and long term.

p.s.We are already best friends.

Make sure you are certain about this then, don't ruin your friendship on an impulse.

i don't see myself as young anymore......

Tough luck, your are young. Presumably this guy is the same age as you, so he is also young. You want a young guy, then you have be young too; because your too young to be a cougar. =P

i guess i'm just a very scientific minded girl. everything must be planned out and needs to make sense. if something screws with the equation, them i become hesitant. ...... how would i test it out without hurting him? what if it doesnt work out? and then there's the fact that he's my best friend's ex-boyfriend. wouldn't that just be super awkward?

That's life. Love and dating is not a science, it's an art. There is no definitive method or reliable outcome. You either go for it or you don't. Then you see what happens. If you put effort in, you should get something out of it but it's not certain. That just how things work. You just need to figure out if you want to take the leap or not. It's as simple as that.

[JadenMia]

That's the problem. You view yourself as having to live with his income. Why couldn't he live with your income? The traditional view of a man being the provider should be a thing of the past. Women are equally capable of sharing the role. But yet women are so ingrain in this mentality that they can't accept the role reversal. For a successful women, a man has to make equal or more money than them. If the man makes less, it can't be much less. It's so silly when I hear women talk about men in this manner like his character is determine by the thickness of his wallet.

No, no.. It may sound like i mean id just 'put up' with his income, but i meant in my position, judging by the money i make now we would live in a shack if i was the bread winner. lol
I'd be, and have been more than happy to be the one with the income. Iv tried both ways, been a stay at home mother and gone out to work living with my income with my ex staying home with our daughter and i enjoyed living on my wage much more. I dont think people understand how hard it is been a full time mom!
In fact, wouldnt you say this is more the mans mentality? In my experience men feel like they HAVE to go out and provide for their families otherwise they have not succeeded in been a partner/father etc.. I know my ex was extremely depressed while staying home while i worked.. He said it didnt feel 'right' and felt like a loser.. Whereas i didnt think any less of him as a man that i made the money not him. As long as my daughter had what she needed, why would i care?
Maybe im missing your point, but as a woman i really dont care who makes the money.

[Kitty_Azura]

well, i'm willing to make the leap myself if it was just me and him we're talking about. heck, even my best friend has said that if i like him, i should date him cuz she thinks i'm more compatible for him then her.I dont even mind that we are going to school at the opposite ends of the US north and south wise. but i also have to deal with my parents. As you guys say, i'm young, which means my living conditions as well as everything else is still dictated by my parents. My parents met him as "my friend's boyfriend" and now knows him as "the ex-boyfriend". that's not a good view of a person -.-

[Regnent]

but, but... how would i test it out without hurting him? what if it doesnt work out? and then there's the fact that he's my best friend's ex-boyfriend. wouldn't that just be super awkward?

Then do nothing, and never know.

You're going to lead a mighty lonely life if you're not willing to risk some emotions.

[~Aetherius~]

ok, i'm new here, and new at all things romantic. heck i didn't even believe in love until recently.

anyways, there's this guy i kinda like that's almost perfect personality-wise and look-wise. i think i'm falling for him, but there are a few problems:
1) he's my best friend's ex,
2) he's not very good with managing money,
3) his grades are not that good at all,
4) he takes relationships way too seriously way too fast.
I’m a practical girl that searches for a guy that will provide stability to family life in the future. If it is only casual dating, that wouldn’t be a problem, but he is way too sensitive about break ups and I care about him too much to break his heart. He is so nice all the time though, and he really knows how to please a lady in all meanings of the word.
Now I’m caught in the dilemma: should I just let myself fall for him and suffer the possibly horrible future, or keep my emotional distance?

p.s.We are already best friends.

1.) Talk to your best friend about it and see how she feels. If she's okay with it, then you're good to go! If not, then you have to weigh the importance of this guy against the importance of your relationship with your best friend.

2.) This could be an issue in the future, if the two of you are ever in a situation to share funds. For now it shouldn't effect you much. You can help him in this department if it's important to you, maybe help him create and manage his own budget?

3.) Why are his grades important? I don't understand why people put so much emphasis on intelligence. It's nice to be with someone who you know has common sense and isn't going to make any horribly stupid decisions, but isn't the way he treats you and how well you get along so much more important than whether or not he's a brainiac?

4.) You can easily slow this down. Tell him you want to start slow, and make sure he obliges. Start off with seeing him only a limited number of times a week, for a limited amount of time each time. If he pushes for more, politely decline him. If he respects your limits in taking it slow, then that's great! But if he doesn't respect your limits then he doesn't respect you, and it's not a good situation to be in.

So you can let yourself fall for him, but be careful about it. Don't let your feelings get out of control before you know the relationship is ready for it, and make sure you're sensitive to everyone's emotions involved.

Hope this helps you out :-)

[Kitty_Azura]

1.) Talk to your best friend about it and see how she feels. If she's okay with it, then you're good to go! If not, then you have to weigh the importance of this guy against the importance of your relationship with your best friend.

2.) This could be an issue in the future, if the two of you are ever in a situation to share funds. For now it shouldn't effect you much. You can help him in this department if it's important to you, maybe help him create and manage his own budget?

3.) Why are his grades important? I don't understand why people put so much emphasis on intelligence. It's nice to be with someone who you know has common sense and isn't going to make any horribly stupid decisions, but isn't the way he treats you and how well you get along so much more important than whether or not he's a brainiac?

4.) You can easily slow this down. Tell him you want to start slow, and make sure he obliges. Start off with seeing him only a limited number of times a week, for a limited amount of time each time. If he pushes for more, politely decline him. If he respects your limits in taking it slow, then that's great! But if he doesn't respect your limits then he doesn't respect you, and it's not a good situation to be in.

So you can let yourself fall for him, but be careful about it. Don't let your feelings get out of control before you know the relationship is ready for it, and make sure you're sensitive to everyone's emotions involved.

Hope this helps you out :-)

well, my friend from the get-go said if i wanted to, i can date him back when i was asking them what happened. i wasn't very interested back then. ok maybe that's a lie. He and I have been talking and i thought he was solid gold material back then too. it'll still be awkward tho when i wanna hang out with both of them. his grades being bad might affect his career in the future. i want my future family to have as little financial trouble as possible. and i can't barely even see him a few times a year because we go to different colleges. we have same breaks only for the most part.

[~Aetherius~]

well, my friend from the get-go said if i wanted to, i can date him back when i was asking them what happened. i wasn't very interested back then. ok maybe that's a lie. He and I have been talking and i thought he was solid gold material back then too. it'll still be awkward tho when i wanna hang out with both of them. his grades being bad might affect his career in the future. i want my future family to have as little financial trouble as possible. and i can't barely even see him a few times a year because we go to different colleges. we have same breaks only for the most part.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. Once you hang out with both of them a few times, you'll all get used to it and it won't be a problem. Or you could just avoid hanging out with both of them at the same time until they get used to the idea of seeing each other socially again.

Don't think too far into the future by judging his grades now. First of all, there's lots of high-paying jobs out there that are mostly physical and don't involve a whole lot of education (carpentry, laborers unions, ect...) Secondly, who says you can't pay bills? You're going to college, you'll be qualified for a decent job at some point... before my boyfriend and I started living together, I took care of my baby and myself AND his deadbeat father, paid all of our bills, and had more than enough for everything we needed on 1200 a month. And this is Washington state, it's a little more expensive here compared to most other places in the US, we were technically under the poverty line. You just gotta learn to budget so you don't overspend on stuff you don't really need. When it comes to love, luxury isn't important, being together is what's important!

If you can see yourself truly, honestly being happy with him in the future, and you know that if you don't at least try you'll regret it, then go for it. But if you think he might just be a crush, and it's not that important to you to give it a shot, then forget about it. You don't want to take a big emotional risk if it's not absolutely worth it.

[Kitty_Azura]

well, how do i know if it's love or infatuation? i mean, we only seen each other while he was single twice. the other times was with my best friend at her parties and prom. keep in mind i've never been in love or anything before. first time for me to even feel remotely into a guy. I didnt even have many guy friends until now. i just feel very uncertain about this. oh, and i have a knack of making EVERYTHING awkward. i think it's my personality....

[Bonfire]

keep in mind i've never been in love or anything before...

That explains why you approach this situation like an accountant.

[Kitty_Azura]

XD lol nice way of putting it. enlighten me on the "correct" way of doing it then? excuse me if i'm not an emotion driven beast.

[Bonfire]

enlighten me on the "correct" way of doing it then?

Just follow your heart. If it doesn't feel it, it doesn't feel it. When you experience love, you will have no doubt because it will consume you.

[Kitty_Azura]

i dont really like the idea of just following instinct like that. that's why i keep to listening to my rational mind. love and satisfaction is important, but i need to think about my future and what consequences come with my choices.

[Bonfire]

i dont really like the idea of just following instinct like that. that's why i keep to listening to my rational mind. love and satisfaction is important, but i need to think about my future and what consequences come with my choices.

Now we are going in circles. Refer to my previous reply, 2 replies back (#24).

[Kitty_Azura]

>.< i'm just not very good at taking risks, ok?! tho the primary issue besides my own inhibitions is my parents. they dont want me to pick a boy that can't support me in the future. and the fact that they were introduced to him as "my best friend's boyfriend" and then later "my best friend's ex-boyfriend" does not help the matter.

[Bonfire]

>.< i'm just not very good at taking risks, ok?! tho the primary issue besides my own inhibitions is my parents. they dont want me to pick a boy that can't support me in the future. and the fact that they were introduced to him as "my best friend's boyfriend" and then later "my best friend's ex-boyfriend" does not help the matter.

I wish we were real life friends, I would poke fun of you non-stop until you work enough courage to live for yourself. One of these days you will realize no matter how much you plan for your future, it won't play out the way you imagine.