Help! I'm Clueless

[RobW]

Hi, this is my first post on this board, and I've been lurking for quite a while now. Nice place you have here.

Ok, to the point.
I have been with my Fiance/exwife for 6 years going now and we get a long great these days. We rushed to marrage to early and after our daughter was born (now 2 years old) she ran back to her mom and dad for support. Her parents' said that if she were to come back then she's have to divorce...Ok now that's out of the way lets get back to my story.

We are now doing things what we feel is right and healthy, and I knew she felt overwhelmed with the baby and all, and I know she did what was right for her. I know that I'm loyal, and I know I'm there for the long haul.

We don't have sex very often now with the baby around, and that's perfectly fine for me. It's just now that we get the chance to have sex after the divorce, she opts out. Now I thought it might be depression, and or she might feel self concious about her body....

I ask her about it and all she says is "It's not you, it's me, and leaves it at that". Since I have roomates, I can't take here to my place, and since she lives with her parents she can't have me over, so we sometimes try the motels.

My fiance is an advid christian and goes to church at least 3 times a week.
I however left the church long before we met, and I choose to support her in everyway I can, even going to church with her, but I am not Christian.

I feel that she fears that she might be having premarital sex, and be sinning...
When ever we ever get into it, and it gets pretty hot and heavy. As soon as I try to take it to the next level she goes with it, and then as soon as she thinks about it for a sec she changes her mind, and is very noticably nervous and apprehensive. Before the baby and before she found God, she was a mad women in the sack.

Now I know that there is some depression here, and she does take an antidepressant anyhow, and I know she doesn't feel well about her body, although her body is better than ever, and I just don't say that because she's my girl. She won't even go out with out a long sleave shirt, when she would always wear short sleave when ever she could. My friends say that she may feel that she may be sinning in the eyes of God (on the sex issue), and she has also become more conservative, and I know that's the mother in her. But she's gone from one spectrum to an other. My fiance's mother is extreamly conservative, as well as her father.....

I tell her that she is so beautiful everyday, and it took forever for her to even feel comfortable to take her clothes off. I just want her to feel comfortable, and not to feel any preasure. I will take what ever time needed to take care of her in every way, it's just when I ask her she just seems not to understand why she feels the way she feels. That sometimes frustrates me.

I talked with her about therapy, but she wants to talk to her Pastor instead of a licenced social worker. That bothers me to a point. I have a pretty good idea what he may say already.

I just wants what is best for her, I just wish she would tell me, and I would just do it. I am not going anywhere, and I will do what ever it takes, no matter what, except leave her.

I'm just clueless on what to do next?

Any advice would prove helpful.

Thanx

[Junsui]

Wow, interesting situation. I am curious though, why did her parents say she would have to get a divorce if she wanted to come home? Also how old are you two?

[shh!]

Oy, I don't get conservative religionists at all, but if you love her, I suggest you try to marry her again, ASAP. If she is a true believer, no sex - no matter how enjoyable - would make going to Hell worthwhile. Re-marriage would probably also be good for your little girl, assuming you are not a drug addict, wife beater or a philanderer.

Why did she divorce you?

[Junsui]

I thought it was weird that she got a divorce because strict Christians don't generally think too highly of divorce. Though I don't know if she's catholic, baptist, etc.

[shh!]

They allow for it under certain (fairly extreme) circumstances. Or maybe it was a civil divorce. I was under the impression her religious practice increased after going home to mama...

[Junsui]

Oh ok, maybe it did increase once she went home. I think he said her parents told her she had to get divorced and if they were real religious that wouldn't make sense. I can't remember what the circumstances were for divorce, it's been awhile since I was at a Catholic school.

[TAVS]

We need more insite from Rob darn it. Interesting stuff here...

[Tone]

Yeah, Rob you sound like a good guy. Answer the ladies questions so we can get some more info!

[RobW]

Wow, interesting situation. I am curious though, why did her parents say she would have to get a divorce if she wanted to come home? Also how old are you two?

I'm 28, she's 24.
What I forgot to mention is her parents are "Isolationists" and live very sheltered lives. When I met her, her parents imediatelty saw me as a threat to there way of (Sheltered) life.

So for her to come back meant that she's had to at least give them the idea that she abandoned me. She did what she could, she tries so, so hard to make everyone happy, but forgets to add herself.

Edit: Her parents are religious, however since I am not one of them.....Divorce was no big deal to them.

Edit#2: Her choice of religion is much different from my Irish Catholic upbringing, she worships in a place called "The Prayer Furnace" Aka "The International House of Prayer" in chicago. They have a full band, singers oviously, and an artist who paints pictures of Jesus while inspired by the Holy Spririt. Pretty nice stuff if your into that kind of thing, the people are not judgmental as I once thought though. But I'm the outsider there and there is much to prove. I feel to win over her fellow church goers, I might have to bite the bullet and go church every Friday and Sunday when she goes with out her parent...

She mentioned getting the engagement rings about 2-3 times, and like the idiot I am, I said not right now, I need some time...Ackkkk.

I just saw her today, to talk about this, and she's just so stressed out, as well as I. How can you please everyone? We talk about marrage here and there, but I am not so finacially independant as I'd like to be, and her father had been a retail manager owner for about 20 years now, and has much more cash than I. I am just a free lance PC tech, and I barely have a job.

We went out for some time today, and it was pretty hard for me, not to mention her. I am doing all that I can, I just wish she was a better communicator. She doesn't seem to be in tuned to what's really going on. She's just to stressed out as am I. I wasn't an easy person to deal with today....

Edit#3: Another thing was, I was out of town when Flower was born (Her nickname) so I wasn't present at her birth, and since I wasn't Kat's father was, and my name was never placed upon the birth certificate. I am working that out as we speak.

More later..
thanx

[Junsui]

I don't think I'm knowledgeable enough about any of that to give any advice that might be useful.

[RobW]

I'm sorry that I came off confused and all, I have a way of rambling at the mouth and I see I ramble at the keyboard as well.

To recap in short with out the nessary stuff. Her parents really hate me for how I treated her early on in the relationship, I treated her real bad. My fiance had a way of only mentioning the negetive for attention years before. She told her mom and pop every detail. They never liked me from day one anyhow. With all the stress she's under I don't know what she wants out of the relationship, I'm stuck. She doesn't know how to communicate her needs. I just want to know what she wants from me and expects from me. She just tells me that she loves me and leave it at that.

I know she's immature in some ways, but then again blows me away in others. Early on in the relationship she seemed easy to please because she has never done anything about anything before. She just went nuts when I showed her the door. For example, I introduced her to alcohol and then she drank so out of control that she almost got alcohol poisoning, she just took so much to exess. Now that she's matured, and she has really come a long way, and she has been intrumental in my self development. Over the course of 4 years she was so out of control in so many ways, and her parents of course blame me for that, and perhaps I do deserve it to an extent, but I see that she had to do something with her life.

She's stuck right now, and I just don't know what to do. We are just like friends with benifits, and as of late she just stopped out right with sex, and she has given me no reason. She's loyal to me in ways that no one has ever, but I starve for affection and I like to kiss, cuddle, and perhaps a little foreplay if I can get away with it. Perhaps I try a little to much. Perhaps this is just a growing pain, I dunno. Her body language seems just all off, or perhaps it's just me.

Edit: In ways I don't believe why she wants me in her life, she supports me in every way and right now somewhat finacially, and and I try to do the same but I don't think it's enough. We're just stuck and we both want to work this issue out, but it's like we both don't know what to do? I would just like to know what it is she sees it me after all this time. I practically worship the ground she walks on, and is a sure far cry from the early days in the first 2 years and she stuck by me no matter what crap I did and always seemed to understand at what ever point.

I think I might of got to the root of my own problem.....
But I am open to out side suggestion.

[RobW]

One other thing, when I'm feeling depressed like this not only do I talk alot but I make almost no sense at all....

I'm just venting I suppose and I feel better, but I am just clueless. I have never been in a situation like this before.

I am used to knowing what was going to happen next, and planing ahead. But I'm just stuck....I'm afraid if I wait and see what unfolds next I might over look something that may be staring me in the face.

[Tone]

Then pick yourself up, and do everything you can to move on so you don't miss a new opportunity.